Jealousy Support Group

Hi. I'm 34 years old and have been in a long term relationship for the past 2.5 years, and we have been engaged for 2 of those years. I have always been resistant to the idea of marriage and family for myself, for reasons that I could never explain, but when I met my fiance I found someone that made me feel safe enough to love. I always thought that I was a relatively healthy and well-adjusted person, but since I have been in this relationship, I have turned into a jealous, crazy monster. I expect my fiance to be okay with anything that I want to do, and he is, but I go mad with jealousy over anything he wants to do. My stomach knots up and I can't think rationally when I think about his past realationships, his current friendships, his partcipation in internet forums and social networks, or the possibility of him forming new friendships--regardless of whether or not the person is a man or a woman. I have been taken completely by surprise at the how deep, pervasive and intense these feelings are. I have had twinges of this in other relationships, but I always made sure that those relationships were with people that I didn't feel fully invested in, so there was no danger of getting truly hurt. Unfortunately, I made a mistake with this one, and took up with a man who is fantastic. He has never given me a reason to suspect him (except for the concealment of some of his social plans, though this was only after more than a year of me freaking out everytime he told me about them, so I can't blame him for that), but I am so terrified of losing him and being humiliated by that loss that I am finding it difficult to function in a "normal" way. I have finally realized a lot of anger I was having towards him about silly things are all related to this horrible jealousy. Together we ae trying to work on this, but I am so afraid that I will never overcome the anxiety and that he will tire of dealing me. I have resorted to breaking into his e-mail and social networking accounts, and checking his phone for texts and suspicious calls, becoming the kind of posessive woman I never wanted to be. He is aware of my snooping, and is thankfully very tolerant (I always confess after a round of spying), but I want to be as respectful of his privacy as he is of mine. I am sure that I need to seek some kind of therapy, but funds are limited right now, so that will have to wait until after the holidays.

I have read some of the posts on this forum, and felt much relieved after hearing the stories of people who feel like I do and who realize that it's not completely rational. Unfortunately, the majority of my friends (who have jeaousy issues themselves) encourage my behavior by telling me that my instincts must be telling me to watch out, but I know that in this case my instincts have nothing to do with my feelings--I am suffering from low self-esteem and other issues that have nothing to do with how my fiance behaves. I hate feeling this way, and again, the suddeness and intensity is overwhelming. I am posting here, not because I want lots of answers (unless anyone has found the magic cure ;) ) but because I really need to hear from people who understand what I'm feeling, and can support me when I'm freaking out. Hopefully this will become a place I can come to when I feel hopeless.

Thanks so much for hearing me--most of my posts will not be this long!
Posted on 11/06/09, 12:11 am