I am nearly finished with the book, Overcoming Jealousy and Possessiveness, and I have learned some things I find helpful so want to pass it on:

When I start feeling jealous, I have to catch myself immediately and stop the obsessive thinking. The book suggests saying "stop", either in your mind or out loud, and then replacing the thought with something that brings me peace and happiness. The author says it's a good idea to think of several happy thoughts you can use so you don't get bored because there will be days when you have to do this many times in a day.

I have to not put my lover on a pedestal; no one is a god, but we tend to make them that, so we are terrified that they will leave us. Where will we ever find another god?! So the author suggests that we look at our partner realistically and note their flaws, realize that they are human and that if the relationship ends, there are plenty of other humans out there.

Self-esteem is vital. When we behave badly, we tend to tell ourselves that we are bad people. So we have to separate our behavior from our worth as a person. We can look at it like grades in school; you get a D or an F and you know that you aren't good at math, but it doesn't mean you're a bad person, it just draws attention to what you need to work on.

Realize that relationships, even marriage, are partnerships like business ones and there is no guarantee that they will last forever and that needs to be OK. You wouldn't expect a person to stay at a job that they had come to find distasteful and you have to think the same of the relationship. This is my own thought, but it also occurs to me that I feel I deserve better than a half-hearted lover, so letting a person go that really doesn't want to be there frees me up to find something that is actually better for me. Also, a person who knows they are free is a lot more likely to want to stay than one who feels trapped.

We have to allow our partner to be who they really are, with their faults or whatever behavior of theirs bothers us. If they flirt on the phone, stare at attractive people in public, whatever. It's scary because we think if we allow these kinds of things it might develop into a love affair and they will leave us, but the truth is almost always we are wrong about what we think our partner intends towards others and feeling stifled makes them much more likely to leave us than an innocent conversation with someone.

Practicing and learning to let our partners be free to be themselves increases our self-esteem. The author says that a lot of people think that feeling jealous is something they don't have control of and will always have to live with, but he has seen many people recover. Not just learn to not show it, but to really feel confident.

Sorry for the long post; I wanted to sum things up for people who are feeling desperately in need of help, as I have so often felt. Good morning everybody, and may the force be with you!