Jealousy Support Group

Ive come to the conclusion that jealous pple have amazing imaginations! As my mind never seems to stop thinking about what to be jealous over next. If only i had been good at english at school, i could put my imagination to good use and write a book!

Yeah I get the same thought when my boyfriend gets a phone call or text I right away think its a girl!

I'm not sure I have advice but I do know what you feel like to some level. Jealousy can be horrible. Have you talked to him about it? That's always the first thing I'd try - but one thing I'd point out is that in some cases you could get all the details you ever wanted and not come out with the desired result (to get rid of the jealousy/ thoughts). Part of it is discussing with him, the other part is about you, and why you have these feelings and learning how to trust.

I haven't quite figured it out either, but as far as I can see that's what we've gotta find a way to do =) Good luck

I do the same thing! Um I'm always thinking hes flirting or seeing girls when he's not around. I always look at the txt or call he gets. He gets so mad at me for that too.

JoJo,
I'm the EXACT SAME WAY!!! My heart rate literally goes through the ROOF when his phone vibrates. I used to check it all the time, now not so much. And ya know what the retarded thing is? It's always the same people - his ex (they have a kid together, can't stand her), his business partner, or something to do with work. I don't know why I imagine him on the phone with chicks, or texting back and forth. Miss Green is right..jealousy sends our imaginations completely wild. It drives me nuts and it's literally taken over my life. I have been doing SO WELL (12 days and counting..gay, right) but today I feel like crap, so I can already feel the assumptions and crazy ideas creeping into my brain. It's INSANE, and I wish wish wish it would stop.

Whenever he asks me anything, I'm totally accusing first too, like you were with the computer, and than I feel so dumb when I find out the real reason behind the question/action/etc. It's awful. And it's not like he has ever done anything to betray my trust.

Dealing with his ex is the hardest. She's a bitch, and it's not like she'll ever go away, because they have a daughter together. But we've been together 2 years now..I think it's time I got over it, right? Logically, yes, but are we EVER logical? Damn..its so hard sometimes

Anyways, sorry for the long rant, but all that to say that I COMPLETELY understand what you mean JoJo, and I am absolutely the same way.

So does anyone have any ideas on how to cope?

Years ago, I'd walk down the street with my then boyfriend and if I saw a pretty woman, I would feel insanely jealous, imagining that he fancied her and not me. I'd brood on it and make myself totally miserable. I would not recognise anything positive about myself at all, not even realising that there was anything positive.

Seems to me that the major theme that runs through this discussion is "I'm not good enough / I am lacking, therefore, others are better than me". It then seems like each person interprets events that trigger off this feeling in conjunction with this. "This person has nicer clothes/hair/nails than me /likes same things as him, which i don't etc, etc therefore I will be abandoned for this 'better' person".

I'm wondering if it would be helpful to work backwards and try to establish what it was that caused you not to feel good enough. Then, write down some positive things about yourself - not just things you are good at, but personal qualities, like kindness, honest, etc, etc. Seems like this is one of the most debilitating types of insecurity.

My 'not good enough / others are better' came from my parents treatment of me. If people liked me, I thought they were pretending and I was suspicious of them. When I was a teenager, if a boy asked me out, I'd say no, because I thought he was joking and that if I said yes, he would say '' do you think I'm serious? Who'd want to go out with you?" In other words, I made sense of other people's intentions towards me through the filter of how I felt about myself - not believing in myself caused these 'self-fulfilling prophecies. I appeared aloof, but really, I was longing for acceptance and love. However, I adopted aloofness (without even knowing that I was behaving this way) as a form of self-defence against rejection for being found lacking /not good enough.

I didn't like myself, therefore, I believed that others didn't really like me either. Took me years to work that one out.

Good luck with everything. I really hope that through self-reflection, therapy, or talking things through (but owning the problem rather than blaming) will help you get through this.

Desertflo,
HOw did you get past it? What helped you to get through it. Sounds like you hit the nail on the head for all of us...

I read on another board about a women who was having sort of the same problem.. you know with jealousy and not feeling good enough. She said she would pretend to be confident. When her and her boyfriend were out and she say a pretty lady, she would say something about the girl, like wow she's pretty, or something about the feature that made her pretty. You know, like she was confident enough in herself that she could appreciate the fact that the other lady was pretty as well. AND she said her boyfriend usually found something wrong with the girl she'd compliment. Like if the girl would say she had great legs, the boyfriend would say, yeah, but look at her _____ and point out something he didn't like about the girl. I've heard over and over again that confidence is sexy, and men appreciate that, so maybe we just need to try really hard to pretend... and who knows maybe we might start to believe it!

Hi IK1980,

I'm replying to your question. For me, the way forward was to work out why I felt inadequate. There were lots of reasons. I tried to work them out myself and I also had therapy. I'm a therapist myself now and being in training also helped me. Most of the time I feel ok about myself, but there are some occasions when those inadequacies are triggered off. At these times, I just work though them and recognise that I have to go through this process to over come what has been triggered. This working through process can take anything from a couple of days to a couple of weeks. However, as time goes on, the feelings that are triggered are less and less overwhelming.

Therapy is very useful, as is keeping a journal and/or writing on boards like this. The important thing is to become AWARE of what is what your triggers are. When you are triggered, try to work out exactly what is going on for you. I find it helpful to write/type a journal note, just for me, about exactly what happened, how I felt, then, as I read back the words, I type out what I'm feeling next, etc, etc. There are times when I've worked on a journal note over and over for a couple of weeks, because sometimes, I can't always work out how I feel and need some time to 'process'. Then I return to the journal, until I have thrashed everything through. Sometimes stuff comes up about childhood or teenage years and I can usually link a trigger back to those times.

Hope this has been helpful. For me, getting over this did not happen over night. It was a long process. It's worth the hard work though.

Good luck :)

Forgot to say that as my perceptions changed about self-worth, so did the way I saw things. At first, the depth of insecurity and jealousy diminished. I talked myself though it until I noticed that it wasn't an issue any more. That is not to say that I'm completely over 'my stuff'. I think it's always there as part of me, but the difference is, my perceptions have changed, which has altered the way I feel, think and, therefore, behave with regard to this.

All the best :)