Interracial Relationships Support Group

i really dont know what to tell you my best friend in Paki and she faces the same thing all the time. i would only say if your mother wants a hindi speaking son in law teach your boyfriend hindi. maybe it will prove to her how dedicated he is to your relationship. would he be willing to study your religion? just like the movie my big fat greek wedding. good luck i cant imagine the stress you must be under having your heart torn.

thats a hard one.. my husband's family dont talk to him since he got married.. only because i wasnt born a muslim..

I don't know how I can help you but I can sort of relate. My guy is Indian- Canadian, (I usually call immigrants from India and people with Indian ancestry East-Indian) he has an arranged marriage and his parents if they did free him from that probably wouldn't want him to marry me because I am not East-Indian. I have no problem with what people think of us because even though I look all white I am part Native American and therefore biracial myself, but I do have a problem with making him chose me over his parents. I don't want him to lose them.

I am in a relationship with and Indian woman.....I can understand to a degree you circumstance....we are both however female....her parents have told her not to trust white people...yet they have raised her in a predominantly white environment...and as much as I have supported and been by her side through every imaginable thing they still do not think that I am good enough as a person for her...this is very frustrating.
We are getting married and I never want her to sever her familial relationship however if she was ever hesitant to sever our relationship because of her parents disapproval then I would know that she was not the one that I am meant to be with. Make yourself happy be with the person you want to be with....its all symantics and life is too short....live love thrive be happy.

hi. i am caucasian and my hubby is SE Asian. His family had a problem with me for a while because of my age and my habits . i kept doing everything wrong according to local custom. my parent's came to SE Asia for my wedding and made lots of "mistakes" too. but the inlaws were very gracious in spite of it all.

I found that my family got to know my hubby 1st, then the family, this helped them all have something to talk about. I talked to my family about similar interests between our families and tried to get them to have some idea before they met.

Different customs and languages can be learned or at least recognized and appreciated. Knowing customs is a sign of respect. would your BF be willing to learn Hindi? even just a few phrases at first? I have several cousin- in-laws who learned Mandarin just to talk to the parents who don't speak english. The Mom-in-laws ADORED that kind of effort.

Respect in Humility is the biggest lessons i learned by marrying into an Asian family. (and living in SE Asia)

the biggest gift you can give yourself and your family is patience. take it slow. give all parties a chance to get to know each other on their own terms. if he is the one for you, he is worth the time.
Everything doesn't have to be solved in 1 day.

Best wishes to you in 2009

also,
the "oil and water don't mix" thing...

in SE Asia we have this thing called Rojak (pasembor)
where the joy of the dish is the mix of ingredients.
just like people. the joy comes from the variety.
My family is a Rojak family.

I'm also an Indian-American girl (barely out of college) and I've been dating my boyfriend who happens to be black for a year and a half now. My parents don't know that I've ever been in a relationship, much less this one.

I was raised, just like you, to be open-minded, strong-willed. and independent. Seems to be the standard stock phrase of most Indian parents when they describe what they want their daughters to be. And indeed what we'd like to be ourselves.

But in these situations, those desires seem to break down... my parents would reject anyone who is not of our orthodox faith, and of our community. They also give me the rigmarole about setting an example for my cousins and my sister, etc. etc. Every possible guilt trip/threat was deployed. And my father has made it clear that he will totally reject and disown me if I am not a part of the religion or the community, or marry outside of it. We have a wholly devastated relationship - growing up he gave the silent treatment consistently, and in college he spent over two years not speaking to me. And now again we have no contact, and there looks to be no end in sight to the silence.

I want to be open with my parents about who I am and the man I am in love with. I don't want to burn bridges with my parents, even though my dad is completely willing to do so with me. I love them, and I want to have them in my life. But I cannot and will not turn my back on my boyfriend either.

I think in your case first you should find out your parents' limits. If they can still have a relationship with you no matter who you're married to, then perhaps you can be more open with them about the person you are interested in. And then of course you should figure out more about your relationship to your man - how open he is to dealing with the limitations of culture and religion, for as long as those issues will be present. It does not seem to be about race, though I think that issue lurks in the background too. Are you willing to talk to you parents about him? Have you mentioned him, but just not the fact that he's black?

I agree that it is bullshit about the financial independence enabling you to be free to do what you think is right. I have the same problem with getting advice from my white friends. Success/money isn't everything, and money will never buy you a new relationship with your parents, especially if they value it less like my parents do (even though they themselves are materially successful, and have sacrificed and worked to be so).

Thanks for all of your feedback.

To angray:

I told my parents about him, but not that he's black. That would have been too many variables at once. We had a horrible confrontation about it, and they listened to my arguments calmly, and then calmly told me, I understand how you feel.... but we're doing this for your sake. Funny thing is, the only arguments they had for "my sake" included "your parents won't understand him, your cousins need a good example, and why can't you just make everyone happy and stop being selfish". The thing that kills me is that although they refuse to say it, the entire reason why they want me to marry an Indian is because of how it affects other people. Every single reason is about how other people will be hurt, and thus, it will hurt me. That's true-- it hurts me that my actions hurt other people. But isn't this something I deserve to be selfish about? Who I am in a relationship with?

I think you put it best when you said that success and money don't buy you a new relationship with your parents.

I'm only 20 years old... and I am not planning on getting married for at least 6 or 7 years. Is this guy the one? I don't know. I just wish I had the chance to find out without feeling like I'm lying the whole time.

I had to promise to my parents I wouldn't date him anymore.

My decision, now that I am back at school, has been a "don't ask, don't tell" kind of policy, taking our relationship one day at a time. In terms of telling my parents in the future, I suppose if this relationship gets serious enough for the "big" commitment, I'll tell them. But I'll cross that bridge when I get to it.

Ah, that just hurts to read. You're absolutely right that it's about everyone, and everyone else. But I have to question... how much does it really hurt other people? How much do others really care? It seems to me that mostly it's a matter of saving face, for our parents. But really, what do others care? Won't this just be gossip-fodder for years and years... but who's feelings are truly and sincerely going to get hurt?
I can understand the guilt trip about setting an example for others. That is perhaps to be expected because of their cultural/religious background... but you have to ask them, and ask yourself, whether anyone's fundamental happiness will EVER truly hinge on the life decisions of another person. I am trying to figure this out myself. Experience shows me that it does not, but what people believe and desire is an equally powerful force. I have to run right now but I will share my thoughts when I get a chance. In the meantime, bless you girl. I'm glad to know there's someone else out there who can appreciate this situation from the inside...

I can completely relate to the idea of being told I have to set an example for all of my younger cousins...

I've been dating my Muslim bf for over 9 years and we know we are going to get married...but it kills me to hurt my parents. I should mention, though, that I really don't have much of a relationship with them - For as long as I can remember, I've been psychologically and emotionally tortured by my father, and my mother has added to it by making me feel guilty for anything I say or do that they don't agree wiht or approve of.

My parents are trying to take me to India in the next TWO WEEKS! They've kept me home from work...first it was for a day and then I could go back...but last week I was home for 3 days (I was actually off for one but I had to call in sick for the following 2 days)...I was told to stay away from any phones and any computers in the house...and not allowed to leave without supervision.

I haven't told my parents a thing about my relationship...but they have their suspicions...it's tough not being able to open up and talk to my parents...especially my mother, who should be my best friend (right?)...

My family is extremely strict...I mean, it's not like I can't go out at all...but if I am going out...it's like an interrogation and I better be home asap or I'll have more trouble (meanwhile my younger brother can go out and be home at 4am if he wants to)

My advice is that if you are willing to give up your parents and family relationships, then continue seeing your bf...I never encourage leaving someone who truely makes you happy and will without a doubt take care of you in the future.

I know how hard it is now that I"m in this situation...we were 15 when we met and have been dating since we were 16...I can't let go of someone who has put up with so much from my parents...not seeing your gf for weeks at a time can get pretty tough for a guy...but he's stuck by me and I know he'll continue to do so.

It really all depends on your relationship with your parents and how much you're willing to sacrifice for them.

I have sacrificed a lot in my life...basically my childhood...for them -- but I don't see myself marrying a stranger from a foreign country who I'll never relate to just so my parents and relatives can be happy about it.