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Inter Cultural Relationship
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I have been dating my fiance for four years. We have a healthy, strong relationship. The problem is when his parents come to visit from their country which is in the middle east. They have been open and very accepting that I am american. They have opened their arms to me and want to get to know me as best as they can. The problem is when they visit they show up unexpectantly and we never know when they'll leave...my finace feels if he askes them then they will feel unwelcome because by asking that will mean to them he wants them to go home. They stay with him and there are no boundaries. It really takes a toll on our relationship. I know they eventually will leave but its so hard while they are here. So far this time its been three months. They will eventally get their own place here so they will split up their time. I am trying to practice acceptance but it is so hard. I will never leave him because of this but I don't know how to deal with them. My time with my him is few and far between because he doesn't want to have any regrets by not spending enough time with his aging parents. He came here for college and never went back so he feels alot of guilt. Even though they accept me that have asked him what their role will be many times when we get married. They don't want to be pushed out of his life which is what they fear....they fear he won't love them as much which to me as crazy. I think much of the time they spend together is unhealthy and abnormal. In these few months he hasn't even seen his friends often. I know things will change when they go back home but I worry about our future. Even though I tell him its abnormal he says its abnormal to me who's grown up in the U.S but for them the closeness of the family is normal. How can I continue to practice acceptnace and deal with these people who will be my inlaws? I love him so much.
Posted on 09/28/09, 01:09 pm |
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I agree with your fiancee, their relationship is normal for people who grow up in cultures with very close family bonds.. There was a time in this country when we had closer bonds but that has fadded tremendously over the last half of the 20th centuary and more so as we move into this new one and people must move to find work.
My advice is be glad they live across the world from you most of the year, I do know families that are this close here in the states and they tend to enter the lives of their children much more frequently and more aggresively. Instead of feeling put out why don't you try to learn as much about them as you can...someday you do plan to marry this man don't you? and have his children? If his parents are indeed getting older then it would make him and them feel so much better if they knew you were learning all you could so your children would have a sense of them and thier history when they finaly come along. Also, his friends will be here when his parents are gone, gone back to their home and gone as in dead...he can get friends back he can't get them back once they have died so don't begrudge him what time he has with them now. 
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My boyfriend is indian. We've been dating for 2 years and will be getting married when I finish college (then I'll have zero time to work on my next degree but I'll have to make it work) and his parents totally would prefer that we were already married a year ago. Or at least engaged because culturally it's not savvy for me to be around family events (even though the family has seen me in brief periods) or in community events. so...once you get used to the cultural differences it becomes a lot less frustrating. its just hard to adjust to a cultural view aside from your own sometimes.
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i agree. if u havent been exposed to a certain culture, make sure u learn it. my bf is puerto rican and i love the culture i can see myself being in it. there are other cultures id like to experience too. it can hard to see on their point of view in life. what they believe is different than what we believe.
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