Interracial Relationships Support Group

I'm not married, but I do think you're right that those things do matter. And yes you should be able to talk to your spouse about anything you want without getting disrespected. If that's not there, then you can't work through the differences at all. Communication is key.

Me and my bf are from different races/religions but the only way we've worked is our dedication to communicating with each other about ourselves, and about the relationship. It's the only way we've been able to come back together after difficult discussions/arguments/misunderstandings.

I definitely don't think kids are an option until things have been properly sorted out between you two in the areas that you brought up. He first has to deal with his anger and drinking before you can have a real conversation though... those are his coping mechanisms and frankly they won't be up to the challenge when it comes to really addressing these issues. They'll really, really get in the way.

If you avoid these important issues now they will only surface in a much more prevalent manner when you eventually have children.
Its not necesary to agree on all issues, it is important to agree how any children will be raised, methods of parenting and discipline. Regarding all the other issues it is important to know what the others belief is and try to have respect for eachs opinions.

Marriage is hard work sometimes but it shouldnt be hard all the time, the good times should be enough to get you through the tough ones.
The big question is are you in love? If your not then all the other issues are totally irrelevant.

Hi,
I am a married woman I am white and my husband is black, we have 2 children. And we constantly argue about everything disciplining our kids the roles of a wife practically everything.First I have dated other races this is my 2nd marriage the 1st was to a white man and he turned out to be a drug user,and I will say that if you have any color man that always finds his self in competition with everything you think then it will not likely work especially if your a strong woman. I have been in constant battle because I stand up for what I believe in and it has mentally and physically tore me down I feel like I've lost myself and I am to the point of just wanting out. Now only do I have to worry about my children in this racist society but any future relationship I may have.Best wishes
Mae

I think the last thing that should matter in a marriage is which color you are but those other things you brought up are important and can cause problems.
My husband is my best friend, I can trust him with my life and all those secrets I could never tell anyone else. We do not agree on everything but most things and definately on the things that are important when you consider how you want to raise your children. Believe me if you do have kids all those things that cause problems now will become much larger and more important. I could not imagine not being able to talk to him when I had problems or felt bad.

I think you already know in your heart that you two are not a good match. Its not only the fact that you cannot talk about certain things, but when it comes down to possible issues with having children, you really need to reconsider. The fact that he has anger issues and is disrespectful, white, black, or indifferent, is a whole other issue. follow your head on this one... i think you know... traci

Im curious as to why u married this man without knowing ahead of time his political views and religious beliefs and make sure you are both compatible? I mean my husband is blk and im white and we met online also!
We put out there what we wanted execpted and needed from a relationship immediatley I didnt care weather I scared him off or not. And funny enough he was 19 and I was 33 and we both wanted the same things. Yea I know he was young and I had to find out he was for real and really was sincere before we dated or even married. We both have married now for 5 yrs and we married after 4 months. We are totally happy and when things come up that we dont agree we just agree to disagree beacause we feel that nothing is stronger then that connection we have together and binds us. Im really worried for yall because it seems u married maybe for the wrong reasons and now your both stuck because the love is there but yall are letting the things that drive people apart do exactly that and are you both strong enough to hold on tight and get thru this learning experience together because since u didnt do this before u got married u have the pleasure of learning one another now !
I wish u the best and hope that you both can pull thru this !

I am sorry about what you are going threw, but it seems to me like you are in a very troubled relations. You said in your posting that you've had problems with this relationship since the beginning, i don't understand why you married him. It doesn't sound like you two get along much, not only to do disagree on very important issues, he also has a drinking and anger problem. you said the drinking and anger issues were on the way to changing, what is he doing to change? I am also in an interracial marriage and have one child. It is very hard racing children when you do get along imaging when you don't get along. I would reconsider bringing children into this marriage. Biracial kids have a hard enough time dealing with the rest of world, they last thing they need is to also deal with these issues at home too. Good luck!

i have been married for almost five years to my husband who is white (i'm from india). we have been rather lucky that neither of us have had any serious issuses bout our race... but i do have a friend who is the same as us but are very different than us... they are having a lot of issuses with their differences... after dating for a few years she realized that it was not ment to be... they could not find the middle ground on a lot of their issuses the biggest being kids... she wanted to raise them as indian as possible and he wanted to raise them as american as possible...

so i say you might want to rethink everything before getting even more serious... once you bring children in the world they will be the ones who will suffer if you and your husband do not find the middle ground...

good luck to you and i hope it all works out for the best :)

I tend to agree. If he has ever used a racial slur then he isnt the right person. You may have political differences but If there are arguments about race that dont sound like a guy who gets the whole picture. Im sorry to say I have found alot of white men totally ingorant to the true values of a woman. Especially black women. They only see them as sex objects and not whats truly inside.

I dont know about other white men but i sure didnt pick black women solely because I think they are sexy. That plays a part but there is something else. Its all the subtle things wich make a black woman who she is. Its not that I think those parts are any better or worse than a white womans. It has nothing to with that. It has nothing to do with race at all except that with black women I feel like thats where I belong. i have had white girlfriends and I have many white women as very close and good friends but they dont have what it takes. Its not that I think any less of them. Its just thats not what Im cut out for.

In my opinion when two people get married, they are bringing together two worlds whether it is interracial or not.

When my husband and I married I was suprised that we had so many differences. I tried to live by logic back then. We had talked about so many things so I could make sure we would have a good marriage.

That's good to do, but guess what people change throughout the marriage too. Many of my political views have changed since I married my husband almost 15 years ago.

I think it hard for two people from two different families to come together anyway. Whether it's said aloud or not, each person is probably saying or thinking that is not the way we did it.

I definately wouldn't bring children into the mix until you all aren't arguing as much.

There will always be topics that people feel differently and strongly about. My husband and I had to agree to disagree on several items. You can't do that for everything, but politics can definately be put aside. I know of many couples that have fallen in love with someone who has totally different view than they do.

The questions are:

Do you love each other?
or
Are you willing to put politics aside and work on loving each other again?

The fact of the matter is you all are more than just black and white. You have differences that are deeply rooted in the whole North/South thing too.

I wouldn't worry about everything political. Maybe later if you don't argue you can have debates about topics that end with lets agree to disargree.

The beliefs you need to get straight are the ones that involve having children. I asked all the big questions before we got married, but you run into the little ones as they appear.

You will always have issues that come up.

Are you all capable of coming to some form of an agreement so you can be a united front when raising your children?

Are you able to agree to disagree without resentment on issues that aren't directly affecting you at the moment.

For example, Pro-Choice had never come up as something that directly affected us. We have both changed our views on it while in the marriage. A good portion of the marriage we completely disagreed. It eventually came up and we had to decide on how to handle the situation without our marriage falling apart. Neither one of us one, we just agreed on how we would handle it.

If it does arise could you all come to an agreement? If one of your friends needed money for the abortion and you gave it to her, would that be a deal breaker for the marriage?

Please don't rush kids. If I hadn't ,I would probably would have left my hubby a long time ago. But we do have two children and life has worked out to where we are together-must stay together-so we make it work and are usually happy or at least content.

Good luck!
Flower