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Family/boyfriend help!
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Hello everyone!
My parents have recently found out about my relationship with my long-term Caucasian boyfriend (let's call him Mark). I am Asian-Indian (1st generation). We have been dating for a long time and have decided that we want to get married. I am not engaged but plan on getting asked! My parents are unwilling to even accept him at this point. My mother is extremely hurt and is not speaking to me at all. Instead, she is getting all her relatives to call me and tell me to ditch Mark! My dad has recently jumped on the band wagon and told me to come home and date Indian guys - basically lie to Mark/put him "on hold." I do not agree with their viewpoint AT ALL! They outwardly admit their racist views. They have met him and liked him (before we started going out). But now that we are together, they think he is too white. My dad's family seem to be more open to the situation. They want to discuss the situation further. As a result, Mark and I will be visiting them. I am worried that this is some sort of intervention as my parents know about the gathering. If they know about it, they must think that my dad's family will try to talk me out of it - if not they would not have agreed to this. I am really worried that 1) they will also tell me to ditch Mark and 2) they will try to hold me captive (not as uncommon as you think!). On the flip side - if they are ok with it, how can they convince my parents that this is ok? Has anyone gone through this? I really feel alone! My boyfriend is here helping me get through this but I feel that the light at the end of the tunnel is become dimmer. I seem to be lost and unable to rationalize the situation. Thanks for reading/replying. It is greatly appreciated! Posted on 01/19/09, 06:01 am |
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Sorry no one has gotten in touch with you. I hate to see people left hanging.
I think I'm still trying to work on the whole parents enmeshed with personal relationships/sexuality thing. I mean I understand how it all comes about; but at some point, for personal health's sake, one has to draw a line in the sand and say, even to our elders, this is not the place for you. And I do mean for personal health's sake: healthy boundaries, self awareness, being present in one's own life, to name a few. I don't think it's disrespect; but when one refers to people in their lives on matters for decisions s/he has to make and live with...advice is one thing but that one person has to live with the decision(s), not the people around. 
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Great response 1234. I agree 110%. Its amazing how our family will try to make life decisions for us and yet they aren't the ones who has to live with the out come. They have a way of not looking at will this decisions make ___happy. Its all about them. What they want and what makes them happy. You need to do what makes you happy. Make all your decisions on your heart not theres. I know it is hard living in the culture you live in but if you don't who will. You have to stand up for yourself.
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i was in the exact same boat as you timeisright... except i married my guy... the main thing with my parents was not so much that he was not indian but rather he was from an "adverage" family and not a wealthy family like us... but the thing is i could not be any happier... yes there are times where i wonder why didnt i marry an indian but i came to realize that if it really is true love then you will find a way... and your family will come to love him over time...
my parents are not happy with who i choose to marry but they love what has come from that union, their first grandchild... and that has changed everything... they may not always like my husband but they are crazy about their grandchild... the other thing is my parents tried that whole ditch your future husband and what not... but the thing is YOUR the one who has to live YOUR life... they should only be there to support you and wish you well along the journey of your life... and yes i know being indian, how indian parents are... it is hard for them to accept that fact that their child is not doing what other children they know are... don't let them boss you around and make your life miserable just because you are not following the indian standard... they will come around as i have seen my parents do and many other families do too... but do make sure of one thing... make sure that you and mark are really ready for whatever your parents and life throw at you... will he be able to handle it? will he support your choice whatever it may be? i had to ask myself the same stuff.. and my husband proved it when he said that if he wanted to marry an american girl he would have but i had shown him a different kind of life that he just couldn't pass up... good luck to you on whatever choices you do make... it is not always easy to make those hard choices in life but it is nice to know that others have been through what you are going through :)
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