Interracial Relationships Support Group

I'm a 25 year old female from a small town and a college grad. I have been very close to all my family from day one but my grandparents have always been my heros. They have always been the people that I have grown up wanting to be like. They have lived out their dreams through me and have treated me like their favorite even though they have 5 other grandchildren. As mentioned before, we are from a small town where they are considered "high" in the community. They have a family reputation that goes back for years (or so I have been told). I have tried to do my best to please them while trying to live my life the way I see best. That task has always seemed so easy to balance but has recently became impossible.
Early last year I met a wonderful man. We had so much in common and we became fast friends. It must be noted, however, that although we were alot alike we had important differences... He was eight years older than me, recently divorced, and had 4 yr old twins. I have never been married and do not have children. None of these details seemed to bother me because he was so special. He was funny, charming, humble, held an important job in the community, a great father, and treated me with the most respect I had ever received. After a while, he began talking about taking our relationship to the next level and I wasn't sure. I had very strong feelings for this man but the one major difference that made me hesitate was that he was of a different race. My family had raised me that you should stay with "your own kind" and that God didn't want different races to mix. They never made distasteful remarks about other races but they did indirectly force their prejudices on me. I struggled with this for weeks. The only person I discussed my concerns with was the guy wanting the relationship. Even then, I did not let on how hard of a decision this was and how torn I was. Finally, I came to the conclusion that race shouldn't be an issue. If this man made me happy and treated me good, then why not date him? We began quietly dating and moving slowly in our relationship. We both agreed that for the time being we should keep a low profile and not tell my family. This plan worked for a while. Then, understandably, he got tired of hiding. I wasn't showing any affection in public for fear of someone in my family finding out and I was making excuses to stay behind closed doors. He began gently pressing me to go out with him more. As if that wasn't hard enough, my family was questioning and pressuring me about where I was spending my nights and who I was spending all my time with. They had always been so involved in my life that it made me feel guilty about hiding him from them. I felt as though I was leading a double life.
Then, a week before this past Christmas my guy and I did a charity event for children together (along with about 100 others)for his work. To protect me and our relationship from my family, he and I agreed that I would show up as a "volunteer." The newspaper decided to do a story on my guy and the event. This would have been great but the next morning I was attacked by phone calls from family members. On the front page of our newspaper was a picture of me and my guy. Within the article it claimed that we were dating. I was shocked and hadn't expected anything like this. My mom yelled, cried, and was upset. She blamed me for "looks" she was getting at work and told me that I was going against God's plan. My grandmother called and hatefully threatened to disown me saying that I shouldn't be with someone that is not my "like kind" and that I would ruin the family reputation. They acted as if I had committed murder. It was then that I realized that these people that I looked up to, admired, and loved were people that I didn't want to be anything like. I had been so close to them for over 25 yrs and now they were like strangers to me. It made me sick to think that, up until then, I wanted to be just like them. These were people who were supposed to love me uncondtionally and instead they were threatening to disown me over a man that they refused to even meet because of his race! I couldn't believe it. I was mad, hurt, and confused all at once. I called my guy and he left work for a while to be with me. He did his best to be supportive but was also angry that my family could be so judgemental. I had warned him in the beginning but neither of us realized that it would be that awful. I was scared, upset, and felt trapped. I still live with my mom and rely on her for a few various things. I don't have the money yet to move out. I would love to be on my own but can't afford it with school loans and just starting a new position. Also, the car that I drive is in her name. I was scared that the roof over my head would be taken away along with my transportation. I explained all that to my guy but that did little to subside his anger. At the beginning of our relationship my guy and I decided that we did not want to ever get married
or have children. Since we both wanted to stay legally unattached, we decided that the only solution to our current issue was to lie to my family and tell them that the papers were wrong. That we were just friends and spent time together. After explaining this to my mom and grandparents, nothing changed. They were still angry that I would associate in public with someone of a different race and just couldn't see what I would have in common with him. They were more concerned that their reputation had been tarnished. I offered for them to meet him to see that he was a good person but they refused. Meanwhile, my guy wasn't happy that he had to be hidden once again. The whole thing seemed hopeless. I felt trapped AGAIN. I couldn't make anyone happy.
Christmas was strained and I felt uncomfortable around my family. Usually, I would hang around all night play cards and sing songs while my grandpa played guitar. That never happened this year. They kept telling me that they "would be praying for me" as if I had some disease.
I feel that today I'm back where I started. My guy and I go out a little more but we are still hiding. A part of me feels like a real failure for not standing up and telling my family the whole truth about our relationship. I feel that I have done my guy an injustice. He has stood by me and has been as patient as could ever be expected from someone in his position. He has continued to show me nothing but love and respect and try and help with our situation. I would hate to lose this guy but I don't know that it could ever work with my family. I can't talk to anyone about this and I feel very alone. I'm hoping to seek any advice that anyone could offer. I'm reaching out to try and seek information that can help me make the right choices. Give in to my family prejudice and continue letting them have the last say in my life? Stand up to them and risk losing the only family I have? Stay with a man who truly loves me yet keep hurting him for something he can never change and shouldn't have to change? Let him go to find someone that can love him without having to hide him? It would break my heart and his but should I give him up so he could be with someone who won't have to hide him? He claims he doesn't want anyone else and we'll work through this together but how much can one person take? I'm just so torn. Could someone/anyone please help?!
Posted on 01/11/08, 05:01 pm