What is Infidelity
Adultery is generally defined as consensual sexual intercourse by a married person with someone other than his or her lawful spouse. In many jurisdictions, an unmarried person who ...
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Hey everyone!
I made a post here at the end of August, so it has been a while but I have made such great, spportive friends here. I would like to update and I also need some advice. I know many of you here are not the cheater, but In my case, I am. In July I cheated on my boyfriend of 5 years, after a night of binge drinking. I felt so guilty and I know it was wrong, but I had to do the right thing and come clean, and I did. The first few days were rough, for 5 days we stayed locked in seperate rooms and didnt speak a word to each other. The following month was also very difficult. MY bf and I moved in with family so we did not get much privacy. We had a talk about everything, and moved into our own place in October. During our talks and the first few weeks my BF said he wanted to give this 6 months, so we could both get on our feet (we are very codependent) He also said he may not be able to be faithful to me and he would not be intimate with me in any way shape or form. The talks we did have took place in August. A few weeks later, things seemed to get back to normal. We have been intimate, and he nor I have spoken of the affair since. I know I still feel terrible over what I have done, so I know he must feel even worse. I do not want to bring up the affair and upset him. He hasnt brought it up at all. I do not know if he has forgiven me. He has been faithful, we have been intimate, and we are making lifestyle changes. However since August we have not spoken about it, I do not know if he wants to remain with me or if his plan is to seperate in 6 mos. I am just very confused. We have been communicating much more and been intimate several times a week. Bringing the affair up is something I have not done, because I do not want to upset him and bring back what I know he is trying to forget. BUT I do want some answers about our future. I just do not know how to approach this. I know he still loves me very much and it will take him time to forgive. It will also take him time to trust me again, but I am ready to show him I can be. I cannot picture my life without him. I believe that because he does not mention the affair that it is his way of coping with it or "forgetting" but I do know he will never forget, but he can forgive. Any advice? Posted on 11/06/09, 05:11 am |
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Not talking about it at all is like sweeping it under the rug. Or that proverbial elephant in the room. It's there. YOu are just ignoring it and playing around it.
Sure, you are together and planning a future, talking about everything else under the sun, being intimate, but not truly communicating, are you? If it's on your mind and bothering you, if you plan to be with him and have him in your life, you have to be able to ask him. You have to be able to know you can bring it up and talk to him. Just my two cents here, but if you have this life together now but feel like you can't talk to him about problems, there is a bit of a communication issue. A communication problem. Sure, this may be HIS way of dealing with it but it's obviously not YOUR way of dealing with it. Otherwise, you would not be asking for this advice here. You need to improve the communication between you. You need to bring it up, ask him how he is feeling about your future and what his plans are. Calm setting. Just the two of you. When everyone is doing alright. Sure, you can live with someone forever and have sex with them a few times a week, but if the communication breaks down, your ability to address problems, for the rest of your life, your relationship is not really solid. Not at all. Take some time. Sit down and do this. Can't ignore it anymore. The best of luck to you. Sending support, L~ 
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Maybe you could say something like ...I know this is painful for you to talk about, but I want you to know that I've been trying to do everything in my power to earn your trust and forgiveness, I just want to know if there is anything else I can do to prove to you that I am dedicated to my commitment to you.
Some of the good points to bring up would be " I go to counseling, I don't and will not drink alcohol anymore, I try to spend all my free time with you..." things like that - soild facts to prove that your intentions are backed up with behaviors. Lstecker is right - not talking about it is not going to solve anything.
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Once in awhile just give him a nice hug out of the blue, fand say "i'm sorry".
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TY for all of your responses. I said we have been having sex, but he doesnt kiss or hug me.
There is definately a communication issue and always has been, as well as codependency. It is hard to break old habits but I am trying. I have also been doing much more then making promises, I have quit drinking, I have been sober for over 90 days. He has offered me a drink (I believe he was testing me) and I refused. I have also been seeking out counseling, but it is something that is not affordable for us at this time. I am just taking it day by day, but I am very thankful for every new day we share together. I don't know why but I have always found it hard to communicate. He has said I can talk to him about anything, but that doesnt make it any easier. TY for al of your responses and I will def bring it up when the time is right. I can't live in a state of "what if", and neither can he.
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I had a long talk with my BF tonight. He said he wants to take things slow and has no intention of seperating but he cannot predict the future. He wants to try to work things out and we have been thru alot together. It is unaffordable right now but we would both like to go to counseling as individuals and as a couple. We do not have health insurance so it can be a bit rough. TY for ur replies.
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