Infidelity Support Group

yeah no, we can call them cheaters just the same.

Hello PLAW
An affair IS NOT A MISTAKE, it is INTENTIONAL.

"The mistake only becomes a choice when one has no remorse."

Plaw, I don't get this. Maybe I didn't have enough coffee or something, but I don't get this.

Cheating is never a slight mistake. It's always a huge choice that someone makes - to say, 'forget it, I am going to do this and right now, I don't really care how this will play out, I just want what I want right now...consequences and pain to whoever be damned.'

It doesn't matter if someone is so shallow or self involved that they feel no remorse for cheating. If they don't, it just means they are lower than the lowest ever. Pond scum, if you will.

It doesn't matter if they don't call themselves cheaters. If they were in a committed relationship with you and cheated, then they are cheaters. No sugar coating it. They may not call themselves that, but it's what they are.

Denial is not just a river in Egypt, my friend.

Just my two cents. Sending support, L~

L, that was one good laugh I had with your "denial". I love it.

Plaw, sorry, but cheating is cheating before, during, and after it happens. There's no mistake about it. A mistake is accidently leaving your keys in the car. A mistake is quoting a job to be $10,000 when it really costs $12,000. A mistake is taking left when you should've taken a right. Cheating is a conscience decision at the time. A choice is made with the choser already knowing the outcome; already knowing what's the right thing to do and what's the wrong thing to do.

I think the more appropriate term to use is "regret".

-TheRule

Thanks TheRule. Glad to have given you a giggle this morning.

A mistake is without intention, being misinformed. It's the HOLY OOPS!

Making a choice is being decisive and knowing those consequences...and not caring.

Am I to understand that your wife is saying she was no longer in love with you at the time of the cheating, so that makes this UNcheating? 'Oops, sorry, but I forgot to tell you that I didn't love you anymore so that makes this really nothing...???' If that is the case, she should have told, left you, fought for you, but never, ever cheated on.

Coffee is kicking in, people...Lord help me...

L~

HA HA. Keep that coffee coming, L!

Yeah, I think we need to call a spade a spade. If someone goes outside of their marriage or relationship for sex, emotional connections, whatever... it's cheating. And people who cheat are by definition cheaters. I don't think we should sugar coat it.

And my H thinks "I made a mistake" makes it better. In my mind, that doesn't cover the countless EAs over our 5 yr relationship. Nope, it was a bunch of choices he made!

Yes, L it makes them scum sucking bottom feeders. No one is so mindless that they don't know cheating is wrong. The ex would call it doing "dumb shit". He was in denial too but not enough to keep his pants zipped when he was at work.

I tried once explaining that when you make those choices there are consequences that have to be dealt with. He just didn't get it or didn't want to. As I dropped him off at the airport I told him one of the consequences of his "dumb shit" was that he had lost me.

Deg, yeah...a mistake hasn't the intention. If I am tripping over my feet and slam into you on my way to the floor? That deserves being called a mistake.

If I curl up my fist and slug you, knowing it will hurt you and not really giving a shit right now because damn, I just HAVE to do it, that is a choice.

And don't forgive my ass after if I did it intentionally. Why should you? I don't deserve it from you. You should not sacrifice yourself and your dignity to forgive me either.

Trisha, like your last, parting shot. You rock. We all have the option to forgive or not, but sometimes I think they know what we're going to do. Hell, they know us and our thoughts, opinions, stances, political views, favorite sex positions...but they act all shocked when we tell them they have gone too far? Be real!

Call it what it is. It's cheating. Have the balls to name it what it is. Why should we call it anything different? To spare someone's feelings? To make them feel better for rocking our world? Frankly, I don't think we owe them that.

Do you?

Wow, this is great coffee. French Roast. Amazing stuff.

Lotsa love, L~

The "Oops, my penis/va-jayjay just happened to slip into thier's" theory just has never worked for me...It's a choice, like every other decision in life. (Ummmmmmmm...like getting married perhaps). If I had stolen something and had been caught, I'd have been labeled a thief...No? It's a conscious CHOICE when they chose to do 'the deed.'

I believe one time crossing the line, if it goes beyond flirting then it's not a mistake.