Infidelity Support Group

I'm SO sorry you are going through this. Talk about adding insult to injury! Here are my thoughts and a few examples I've seen.

My H's best friend (I'll call him Bill) was married to a women who it turned out was addicted to pain killers and alcohol. She became erratic in their marriage, went to rehab, all that. They ended up getting divorced. Bill was the more stable person. Bill's ex didn't want to take care of their son. She wanted to be free to date and do whatever and often would call Bill on her days with their son to come get him because she had a migraine (a frequent excuse). So Bill has to be the main stable caregiver. Sucks!

Another example. My H's sister (we'll call her Lisa) cheated on her husband of 8 or so years right after she had their son! It was like she decided she really didn't want to me married or a mom! She got caught and begged for forgiveness and supposedly worked on it. In less than a year she started cheating again with the same guy. She got divorced, moved in with her parents and her son. And she is out partying so many nights a week and her son is basically cared for by the grandparents. Thank God, they offer him a stable environment.

I think sometimes when women want out of a marriage, they go through a stage where they want to party and be "free" from their responsibilities. But it will bite them in the end when their children are hurt and don't want to be with them. I think if you can be a strong dad for your son, you will help offset this behavior from your W.

As for lying... I think that is part of the cheater's MO. It's embarrassing to tell their friends, even mutual friends, the truth. That THEY were the ones who f**ked up! That they are the cheater. So they'll make things up to make themselves seem better, like the victim.

I have no doubt if my H and I split that he will lie to friends to make me out to be the bad guy. He's already lied to friends about why were are having problems. He is good at re-writing his personal history and believing it!! He makes his own truth!

I feel for you! hang in there! I know it's hard to know that she's lying and you are the one who didn't do anything. Your solace is that you are a great dad for your son! You are honest and faithful! You aren't what she is making you out to be. You have to find peace in that because you cannot change what she is going to do unfortunately. Hugs and support!

A cheater telling everyone who will listen lies about their betrayed partner is COMMON. So common it is sickening. It is true they cannot face what they have done. It is also true that if you tell such wildly bad stories about the betrayed the Cheater's family and friends will never ask the Betrayed their side of the story. They will hate you, think you are horrible and want nothing to do with you. You were so awful to them that they HAD to cheat so why talk to you?
Myself I always question stories people tell me. It is my nature to want the complete story and all sides possible before I make any decision for myself. Seems there are many who don't really care about that though which is a sad statement on society really.
Your ex is going to lie. Expect it. Your ex is going to exagerate things that did happen and slant it to make you look bad and them to look victimized. Expect it. Your ex is going to twist truths and leave out key pieces of stories again to slant it to make you look bad. They need people to feel sorry for them. They need people to "understand" they had no choice as their life was so horrible because of you. They have to because they cannot face what they did for no real reason at all.
They also get angry at you because you didn't fail like they did. They feel like they are less than and in true selfish fashion they cannot lift themselves up without pushing somebody else down. This is common as I mentioned. Incredibly common unfortunately.
Also consider that anyone who would beleive such stories without question and without all sides is really not worth your time or effort either. I myself don't want such close-minded people in my life. I know the truth. I know who is to blame and I refuse to own the choices my ex made. He made them completely alone.
Don't make yourself crazy over it. Consider the source.

Although it's hurtful that your spouse will bad-mouth you it's clear to me it is because they dont want to be viewed as the bad guy here. Which clearly means she has yet to take responsibility for her actions. It may anger and frustrate you what other people hear and think but if they look at the situation they can clearly see that it is her that walked out, and you that is raising your son. They can put the pieces together. And if not, they're not worth your time.

My children are my world and I just cant understand how a mother would walk away from her only child. She really must either be confused, or seriouly caught up in this fantasy world of feeling single and sexy. There isnt anything you can do about that but love your son for two.

My other concern is for your sons safety. If she cant be bothered with him do you think she would ever hurt him? Are you filing for sole custody? I'd stop and think about these things and be sure you put his safety first.

Ahhh, you are to the point of the 'rewriting of the facts...' It's what happens so that you will look bad to anyone and everyone with facts that are just not true.

My EX did this all the time. Good thing people knew me better than that. If they didn't? I figured they would figure it out in time. They did.

THey do it because we hurt them, probably by NOT forgiving them and looking the other way ever. (We can be mean like that.)

I have no idea how you will handle this. I decided to just ignore it and keep moving forward while I focused on my kids. If he needed to cheat on me, beg me to forgive him with my declining that whole bullshit, and THEN try to malign my character? Whatever...

They are hurt and pissed that we don't forgive them and it all comes out, so they have to do something to make it all justified.

'See, he was 10 minutes late to pick up our kid. Now you understand why I messed around on him...'

In the long run, real, logical people with reason will see thru this. It's just a matter of time...

Hang in there, L~

Of course she's going to make up lies. She wants you to be the one to look bad, not her.

She is unhappy with herself and often those person who are in your wife's situation are uncomfortable

M H did it to me too, he "only" lied to the OW but still he did.Among other things he told her that I got pregnant on the sly with our last child...very hurtful. I belive they lie about us to somehow excuse their cheating or to make them look like the victom...like see how bad he/she was I had to cheat.....

Sorry you are dealing with this, it's another sad story in the book.

If she bad mouths you she feels like she is the better person, of course the people that really know you knows she's full of it, but her new little circle of friends will believe her for awhile and then find out the true person she is.

I think the way she asks towards he child is a disgrace to parents, this too will come back to bite her in the butt.

Right now it's all about her!

Stay strong & good luck

I'm so very sorry that you have to deal with a person like that. It's very sad that she clearly doesn't want to be a good parent.
Maybe it would be the best thing for her to stay away from your son, because once he gets oldre the realization that he is unwanted will be more devastating to him than just cutting it off right now.
You are a SUPER NICE man. Women like your ex can not be dealt with in a nice way, unfortunately. She is abusing your good character and hurting both of you.
I don't know if you've already done this, but tell her straight out that she is hurting the child.
Being his mother is not a check mark for her resume, but commitment. If she doesn't want the child just tell her that she is free, but non the less she needs to pay child support.
It is really disgusting to me that she is treating you guys that way.
Hopefully you will re-marry at some point to a nice woman so the baby can have a caring woman by his side.
You are in such a tough situation, but in the end it will all work out. You are the best dad anyone can wish for.
Hang in there, buddy.

Lying to their girlfriends abot their "jerk" husband while they are banging some other guy is straight out of the cheating wife's playbook.

My wife would go walking with this group of women during the time of her affair. She had them so snowed! My wife acted like this martyred wife who was doing EVERYTHING in the house and for the kids. And she would regale them with made up crap about what she said was an affair I had.

I had never cheated and I did as much around the house as she did and I did all of the childcare on weekends while she was off working and then cheating with the guy.

I remember wondering why some of the ladies started to cold to me when they would drop by to see her. She had them convinced I was an ass and she a martyr!

I found this all out many years later when she admitted doing this. I was so angry I made her call her best friend and tell her the truth.

She basically ruined my reputation and enhanced hers with the lies to the local community.

It's sick what a cheating wife does on so many levels.