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Discussion:
How do you catch a serial cheater?
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Hi all,

It has been over a month since D-day, and I still have lots of issues, although I think about "it" less and less everyday. I wish I could have my innocence back, I was so trusting before.

We are in counseling which is going well. I have access to his e-mail accounts, his phone, and he understands that I may show up unannounced when he is at work/secondary work.

But I still have this nagging thing in the pit of my stomach that he cheated on me more than the one time he admits to (the only one with photos). I have this nagging fear that he is really a serial cheater.

The counselor gave me the book "The Truth About Cheating" by that dumbass Gary Neuman guy. Personally I was offended, but I can see where it might help some people. I was actually already being supportive and loving, I think I only turned down sex once during our relationship, in fact I even initiate for sex (we have been together almost 5 years, I have a higher than normal drive I guess) yada yada yada... and although the OW is a little thinner than I am, I am not unattractive.

In the book and during my private session with the counselor they talk about how 12% of cheaters are happy at home and still do it anyway.

IF he is a serial cheater I need to make sure I catch him if he does it again. There will be no more chances, only this one chance. The counselor said they always make a mistake if they cheat. However, I know that he could call the/an OW from the phone at his work, he could put a note on her car..etc...there are ways to get around my access to his phone and e-mail. And although I know the OW in the photos knew about me, maybe the possible others didn't.

I'm thinking GPS may be the best way...that way if he tells me he has to work late I can see exactly where he is. Or, when he has a day off I can see where he is. And if something doesn't look right I can catch him in the act.

Originally when I confronted him with the photos he offered up GPS tracking and video cameras installed at the house. So i do want to believe him that he is remorseful and will never do it again, I just don't yet.

I do love him, he is not all bad, none of us are, we are on all a spectrum. But I will not stay with him if he does it again.

Any suggestions? GPS suggestions?

Do serial cheaters always revert back at some point? How long does it take? I'm guessing not long if they are addicted to sex or the brain chemical high from the chase.
Posted on 04/12/09, 09:36 am
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Reply #1 - 04/12/09  9:51am
" I would like to recommend "Surviving Infidelity" by Rona Sobotnik. There is a chapter on serial cheaters that describes their characteristics. I don't buy the "sex addiction" or "brain chemical high" so much as they are people with a poor self-image trying to fill their emptiness with affairs. You have suspicions and I would guess your gut is probably right. You are taking a risk staying with him, no doubt about it. Continue counseling and keep your antennae up. I hated being in "spy" mode, but I understand it, because it hasn't been very long for you, and in my case my suspicions were eventually confirmed and I ended the marriage. GPS and video cameras sound expensive. Is it possible to hide a small voice activated recorder at his office or in his car? They are less than $100. The cell phone gave mine away because I read a text message that happened to arrive while he was in the shower, but if I hadn't been right there to hear it go off, I'm sure he would have deleted it and I wouldn't have known. "
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Reply #2 - 04/12/09  3:40pm
" Thanks pianogirl. I do have that book, and I haven't read it yet. I can actually login online to the tmobile site to see the phone numbers called and texted, so I don't have to worry that he will delete something from the phone. He changed his cell phone number so OW won't call him.

Video cameras are expensive.

I have voice recorders, but they won't tell me if he is stopping off somewhere or where he is going. He knows if he calls the OW from his cell phone I will see her number show up online. "
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Reply #3 - 04/12/09  4:14pm
" Troi, how very sad that you are now forced into this 'police' mentality. If you cannot be comfortable with your spouse and learn to trust him. Perhaps the issue is not 'catching him' it's letting him go. "
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Reply #4 - 04/12/09  4:18pm
" BTW, I totally understand how much the pain overwhelms a person who is a victim of infidelity.

Pianogirl is right on the money when she suggests that cheaters have a poor self-image. They do indeed.

I did use a voice-activated digital recorder to 'catch' my ex in his affair. Cost of recorder $29.00. Value to my sanity (since he accused me of having mental problems for even THINKING he was having an affair and my FAMILY did also)....PRICELESS! "
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Reply #5 - 04/12/09  7:14pm
" Hello Troi
Go with your gut here it's never wrong.
The voice activator that thenext31yrs suggest may be what you need.
My Father was a serial cheater. There were no mobile phones or computers back in those days or internet groups. My Mother would have found so much comfort in a group like this one and My Father may have been caught out more often. He probably cheated at every opportunity he got; the low life.
I hope that in time you will either feel more settled or discover what actually is going on.
God bless "
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Reply #6 - 04/12/09  10:21pm
" Thanks for everyone's replies, I think part of my problem is that the memory of the lies from that time are still so fresh that it overwhelms me sometimes.

I would be happy to let him go, if he is a serial cheater, in fact, I told him this was his opportunity to leave if he was unhappy and he offered to go to counseling and wanted to stay instead. (plus I can tell by the phone records he had already broken contact)

I think I'll feel better as time goes and I'll just keep my eyes open. "
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Reply #7 - 04/13/09  4:46am
" Sorry for your troubles here.

I read this stuff and it drives me batty - this trying to gather all the evidence, enough so they will finally admit to having an/another affair. I had that choice to stay and do that or leave. I chose to leave. If I wanted to be a cop, I would have gone to school for it. If I wanted to be in that kind of relationship, I would have signed up for that, but I didn't. His choices were not going to change what I wanted to have in my life and what I didn't want to have in my life. It was still my life, after all.

Take care of you now. You have enough to go on. "

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