Infidelity Support Group

yes you need to consider your children b/c divorce will affect them . But the decision needs to be yours. How old are they? My kids think Im crazy to give my H a chance, but they love me, and love him so will support us, but they are older. I know they are only trying to support the marriage b/c they know that is what I want. THey are hurt and angry at him, but trying for my sake. I have never lied to my kids, and we have a wonderful relationship. Ages 23, 19, 15. Be honest with your son. Good lucK!

He is 10 but his dad has been talking to him.

Sounds like you need the divorce to close that chapter of your life and move on. Personally I cant stand the thought of being married to my lowlife husband for one minute more than I have to and am close to getting my decree Nisi, I should be divorced in the new year

You should not sacrifice your personal peace of mind and happiness for your children. I did and I wish I had not!

This is your life. Your son will not be 10 for ever. He will see your husband and his father for who he really is A SELFISH CHEATER that destroyed everything he has known. Someone who caused his mother and himself horrible pain. Never make someone a priority, when they make you a option. Prayers to you!

You've given your H a year to come to his senses and he still hasn't. He can't expect you to wait around for him any longer. He choose the OW, and for that I am so sorry because I know how much you have done to fight for your marriage over the past year. You've done everything you can to try and save your marriage and your H has not given in. Go with your heart because your son will adjust. Divorce is not easy on anyone, but I do feel that in your situation that it may be for the best. Prayers for you!

You will be showing your son what a strong woman looks like. You already tried to make it work for a year and aren't a doormat.

kudos

While I didn't give my H my approval or authorization to continue the affair once it was discovered, I didn't give him ultimatums or directives either. I just made it very difficult for him.

He always assured me that he did not want to divorce me, loved me more than her and more deeply then her and always would, and that the affair would eventually burn out and end because they weren't right for each other, and that he wanted to grow old with me. I was concerned that by demanding no contact as many advocate, the adversity would heighten the romance and the "forbidden fruit" aspect of the affair and would bring my H and the OW closer together by causing them to conspire together to find ways to continue to see each other, and by creating a them against me mentality. I also know that many men resent being told what to do by their wives and will do the opposite out of rebellion whether it is truly what they want or not. This is immature, but for many it is reality.

Instead I focused on me and I made it clear to my H that by continuing his behavior he was doing serious damage to me and our marriage. I would not see him 24 hours before or after he was with her. I didn't want her energy around me or his thoughts to be on her. I let him know that as long as he was seeing the OW, it would only be a matter of time before I began seeing someone else as well. This would mean that we would be spending even less time together because of the time constraints which would result from his inability to be with me before, during and after he was with the OW, and the time I would now be spending with someone else. He said we could schedule our time so that I was dating while he was with the OW. I made it clear that I would not accommodate his destructive behavior by scheduling my life around his affair. I would see who I wanted, when I wanted and if it wasn't convenient for him and the OW . . . TOO BAD! He also realized that because of the kind of person I am, if I was dating someone else he was probably out the door anyway since I don't date casually and can't share my heart with more than one man.

All of this was the catalyst for him to end the relationship with the OW sooner rather than later. He realized that if he waited until it burned out with her, he would probably end up without me.

Maybe you should tell your H that if when faced with the prospect of divorce and losing his family, he still can't leave the OW it is clear to you that you and his family aren't a priority for him so why would you want to wait for someone like that until he gets it out of his system. Someone who thinks that way isn't worth waiting for. Maybe you should tell him you are "leaving him to it" by doing this, but you won't be waiting when it falls apart. You want to move on with your life and find someone who will treat you the way you deserve to be treated and who will create a proper family and home life for you AND YOUR SON. Maybe you should tell him that you can just separate and not divorce at this point, but it doesn't really matter because the result will be the same. You realize through his behavior that he doesn't love you the way you deserve to be loved and it doesn't matter whether you divorce or just separate because either way you will be moving on with your life and looking for his replacement whether he stays with the OW or not.

You can tell him that he has set a horrible example for your sons and you need to teach them not to treat women this way. If you stick around and wait for him you will be sending your sons the message that men can cheat on their wives and the wives will wait in the wings until the men tire of their mistresses and then they can come home. This sends a horrible message as to how women can be treated as playthings as both a wife and a mistress.

I would tell him that he also needs to stop manipulating your son and involving him in the details of what is going on. He has no business discussing this with a 10 year old and attempting to turn him against you. Trust me, your son will not grow up to resent you. He will resent the father who took a mistress, hurt his mother, and broke up his family for the OW.

HIs dad shouldn't be talking to him about this. If you have a custody attorney, they can tell his attorney in writing that adult business stays adult business. He can lose visitation of his kids for continuing to pull that type of bullshit. Its called "crossfire" and goes along with best interest of the kids in most states.

That should be your first step- preventing him from having any type of adult issue talks with your child. What is he? An idiot?

What rings loudest for me is this: If you allow your stray husband to come back into your life after this year-long escapade, what kind of message will that send to your young son? What your husband has done is betrayed you, broken your marriage vows and pretty much acted like a selfish spoiled brat. I was in your shoes three years ago and I let him know IN NO UNCERTAIN TERMS that I wouldn't take him back for any amount of love or money because what he had done showed a TOTAL LACK OF RESPECT FOR ME AS HIS WIFE OF 23 YEARS AND AS A PERSON.
I believe it would be much worse for your son to witness that scenario than to divorce the bastard. You deserve so much better, my dear.