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Discussion:
My husbands affair got pregnant
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Hi, im in the midst of a lot of pain right now. My husband of 4 years just confessed to me he had an inappropriate online reltaionship and a one night sexual encounter with an old girlfriend and she got pregnant! I got pregnant right after that thinking I had the best marriage in the world and our baby is 3 weeks younger than the OW's. I never in a million years saw this coming! I guess I should include, that he picked the best time to do it... I had had the worst year of my life that year. I had lost twins 7 months into my pregnancy, gone into depression because of post-partum and grieving, got the courage to try again and had a miscarriage that lasted 6 weeks, and then had a vaginal problem that required surgery. Needless to say we didnt have sex for months...not because I wouldnt have liked to but for physical reasons. During this time we were fighting a lot because I was so depressed and unhappy and because of financial problems caused by all my health issues... which Im sure didnt make me a very attractive wife...but then I didnt go out and sleep with another man because we had a few issues to work through. Even though this was not the cause for his affair which he admits to...I know it didnt bring him closer to me.

He said all the right things for the first 4 days when I was a mess because of it and answered any questions I had, begged me not to leave, asked forgiveness, etc. But, now that Im getting over the shock and getting back to my old self...and getting more angry than hurting...he doesnt really want to talk about it and wants to just go on. He says he doesnt really know why it happened. Just that he made a terrible mistake and the wrong decision. He feels that is all that needs to be said...but I feel that maybe there are things in our relationship that he isnt happy with and just hides his real feelings...insecurity, his self value, how he thinks I see him, etc. Im willing to hear the truth and work on things but now he is acting like an @ss about it and says I would enjoy life and things that we do more if I wasnt mad. I told him I would enjoy it more if he hadnt done what he did!!! I know you have to forgive...but honestly I feel like its a day by day kind of thing...especially since he just told me and was irresponsible enough to get her pregnant and I'll always have the thought that his baby is out there.
The baby is the other thing...he has been communicating infrequently with the mother about the baby and had pictures of him and had even sent money without me knowing it. I told him he has put me in a position to have to make hard decisions about this innocent child. He said its his mess and he will have to clean it up...I told him that if I stay it is forever and always "our" mess. Somehow he thinks he can still be and work "alone" and be married....which is probably why we are in this mess in the beginning.

He wants us to work on our reltionship and says even if I leave he is determined to convince me to be with him. He said he just wants to have fun doing it (like dating all over again)...I guess without me being really angry at him. I said he gave up what he wanted when he got in that womans pants and he is going to have to suffer the consequences of how I feel about this. He can take it if Im hurt, but when Im angry he closes up even though this is his fault. He doesnt think we need counseling because we can work it out ourselves. I basically just think he is an @ss at the moment.

Sigh!!!!! What to do?
Posted on 09/28/08, 12:52 am
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Reply #11 - 09/30/08  4:10am
" I wouldnt stay either. I would always hate that poor innocent child for reminding me of an extreemly painful event and it would prevent me from getting on with my life "
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Reply #12 - 09/30/08  4:32pm
" First of all, I am really sorry to hear about the loss of your children. My sister had a miscarriage at fourteen weeks and that was so difficult for her in ways that nobody could come close to relating to. I can't imagine that happening at seven months. As far as your marriage goes, your husband sounds very selfish. Selfish enough to have an affair in the first place, and selfish thinking that the baby produced from that affair is none of your business should you choose to stay his wife. He needs to first and foremost insist on a paternity test. This woman was enough of a slut to have sex with a man she knew was married, who knows who else she was having sex with? Maybe it's not even his baby (you should be so lucky). If it IS his baby, he is going to need to decide what he wants his role to be. Does he want to be a father and be around? Does he want to send money every month and a birthday card? Does he want to give up his rights because they aren't his family? He needs to decide what he wants to do as far as that child is concerned- and be honest with you about it. No more sneaking around giving her money and being sent secret pictures of their baby. Once he decides what he wants to do, you need to decide your limits. If he goes over there to visit the baby, are you going to be okay with that? Okay with him sending your money to some other woman and some half illegitimate kid (I say half illegitimate because your husband is human but as far as I am concerned, anyone who would knowingly have sex with a married man is a zero as a person anymore- making anything related to them half illegitimate)? Okay with some baby made while you two were married coming over and playing with your child? Draw your boundaries and what you are willing to live with- and go from there. If he is going to be around her and their kid, I would definitely find out your rights as a parent to your child- like getting a court order to keep her away from YOUR baby. I'm sorry that he's in that situation. Some whores get pregnant on purpose to trap the man- unfortunately the only people who suffer are the children stuck in the middle and the betrayed spouse. It's sick. Best of luck to you. "
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Reply #13 - 09/30/08  5:34pm
" Thank you all for such great wisdom and your kinds words. There are days when Im getting past it and I can forgive and then Im reminded of something else...or I think of something important we need to discuss and then it all blows up again.
He says he wants to work through it but sometimes he is making me feel better (he really is healing me and telling me what I need to hear to move on) and sometimes he isnt (he is getting mad when Im angry about something or he doesnt want to talk about it). He is getting mad when I am angry and Im a little worried about that...I honestly think he is mad at himself, but he should be on his knees doing whatever he has to do to make this right...not getting mad and acting mean about it. I didnt do anything wrong!!!

Todays issue was that I just realized after reading about std's and other stuff like hiv... that some are dorment for a period of time and you have to go back and get retested. I brought this up and he said he had gone back after getting checked right after he had unprotected sex to get checked again. I got extremely angry when I realized that he wasnt %100 sure that he was clear of something aweful before he slept with me... like the same week he slept with that whore...and get this...he allowed us to try right after the affair and I got pregnant!! What if he had passed hiv on to our child?????? I mean when does the madness and irresponsibility stop?? Thank God Ive been tested for things all through my pregnancy and I dont have an std or anything. He said i just want to be mad about the possiblities of what "could" of happened! Im mad at the fact "among other things" that he was gambeling with my life and health and that of our childs.!! SELFISH!! SELFISH!!! SELFISH!!!

Im also angry becuase he said that the woman told him she hadnt been with anyone since they were dating...(yeah right!! that was like over 2 years) and he said he "trusted" her and knew she didnt have aids or anything. I'm thinking yeah like you trusted her when she said she was on the pill so it was "ok" not to use a condom...and she came out pregnant!!!
So, after this conversation I handed him the phone book and said...counselor. He threw it on the couch and said...if you want a conselor you call one. So, after feeling totally disrespected and like he had just gone too far (becasue this was his mess and supposedly he is "committed" to cleaning it up) I told him to get out of my house. He packed a bag and left.
He is having a split personality in this whole thing. I know it cant be easy to be in his shoes but he needs to be making things right between us at all costs...he is the one who fricking messed up! Is he allowed to act like this or am i putting up with too much? I know he is under extreme stress because of it...not to mention today is the illegitimate childs birthday... but come on!
Tell me you thoughts! "
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Reply #14 - 09/30/08  5:47pm
" i am so sorry but i walk in those same shoes only our son is 4 months older than this other kid. i know exactly what pain you are going thru and as a matter of fact i just finished crying a few minutes ago-26 months after finding out. i really am thinking about leaving my husband at this point because the pain is just to great to bear anymore. i wish i could give you some hope but i am living your nightmare right now. my husbands other child comes over like every other weekend and she looks exactly like her mother. i have never left and this is killing me slowly. i try to stay focused and strong for my son but this is hard. i am here for you and i invite you to join my group "spouses and illegitimate children." my best to you. "
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Reply #15 - 10/01/08  8:13am
" My thoughts now that you have him out, is to keep him out. I am sorry to be so negative about the whole ordeal, but I think you need to move on from him. The child will always be a reminder. This will always be a fight. PLEASE believe me, I AM an "illegitimate child" and I am 32 and it STILL causes my biological father and his wife issues to this DAY. My oh so lovely "parents" ( mom and biological father) COMPLETELY ruined the life of my dad's wife. Every time I look at her, I can STILL see hurt.

I wouldn't be able to stay. I just wouldn't. You deserve SOOOO much better. By the way, my dad treats his wife like crap and STILL freaking cheats on her and he is 66! "

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