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Discussion:
Is it my fault he cheated?
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I found out Friday that my husband had a 10 month relationship with another woman. In my house and in my bed. He has been increasingly angry for about a year an a half and started treating me like dirt about a year ago. He shut me out and would not talk to me. I suggested counseling - he said "no."
He is convinced that it is not his fault he cheated, it is my fault. He says this because he says I was not pretty enough. I admit - between the house, kids, work and paying the bills, etc. I have not had too much time to spend on myself. Not that it should matter - but I am not ugly. I could lose 10 pounds but it really is not that bad.
He says he wants to stay together. I expected a change in the way he treats me but I really doubt that will happen. I have always been a fun, successful, honest and loving person. Could it be my fault?
Posted on 06/18/07, 08:35 am
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Reply #1 - 06/18/07  9:11am
" of course its not YOUR fault..he is totally to blame...it was HIS selfish behavior that made him cheat and its HIS ME mentality that make him blame you.. HE needs to own up to HIS choice and it was HIS choice and make you feel secure and apologize to YOU for hurting and blaming you for something HE did... YOU should get counseling for yourself if he doesnt want to go so YOU can work on YOU... just remember YOU did nothing wrong it was all HIM... Take Care of YOU "
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Reply #2 - 06/18/07  10:02am
" It's funny how guilt brings out such anger. He's blaming you for how bad he feels. No...it is NOT your fault. As a matter of fact, it sounds like he's been rather abusive to you over the last year. He says you're not as attractive, but is how he's is acting and treating you attractive?

It is ABSOLUTELY his choice to have an affair. It is COMPLETELY his fault that he decided to do this. Anything that you did that contributed to marriage problems is one thing. But, YOU didn't decide to cheat because of it. Even as badly as he treated you, you didn't cheat on him...right? He is blame-shifting. He knows he's a loser and he wants to blame someone else for his screw-up. Don't let him do it. He has to take responsibility for all that HE'S done wrong and for how much he's hurt you...not just with the affair but with the emotional abuse. "
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Reply #3 - 06/18/07  10:05am
" No not your fault at all. I too had 2 kids, nursing one at the time my DH had his affair. It is a cheaters MO to blame the victim. It took me a while to realize that it wasn't my fault. If he wants to stay together then he needs to work on it. That includes professional help. "
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Reply #4 - 06/18/07  10:38am
" Of course it is not your fault, When they cheat they have to make excuses for themselves to make themselves feel better about what they had done and make it ok in their minds.My ex did the same to me and it took a bit of time for me realize that this was not my fault that he was a loser.I didnt go to counseling but i did write a journal and I wrote letters to myself and to him. That helped a little I never gave him the letters but it helped just the same.Be Well "
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Reply #5 - 06/18/07  10:50am
" It would make the guilt of the cheater SO MUCH EASIER to carry IF we REALLY were to blame. We can not control the actions or bad choices of anyone EXCEPT ourselves.

Cheating is a choice, and your husband MADE THAT CHOICE HIMSELF.

What it really comes down to is that we all make/made bad choices in our marriages. We all have the responsibility to shoulder that ourselves.

Sadly, your husbands behviour is very common and typical of the Cheaters handbook. Most all cheaters lie, deny, cover their ass and BLAME SHIFT to get out of the heat. They figure if they blame us enough, point out our faults (not looking good enough, needing to loose 10 pounds) we will be so confused by the end of the day, we might actually start believing them as far as them saying its OUR FAULT. Dont let it happen. As long as he is making you doubt yourself and actually consider "is it/could it be/was it MY fault a grown MAN made the CHOICE to cheat on me?". NO, NO and NO. It is NOT your fault HE made the CHOICE to cheat. That is his ALONE to carry.

As far as him wanting to stay together, what do YOU want? IF YOU want to stay with him, dont expect a change, TELL HIM what HAS to change. Tell him exactly what you are WILLING to tolerate and what you WILL NOT tolerate. Set up new boundaries, set your dealbreakers. Make him aware of everything he needs to do to make it work. Make him aware of things that will NOT make it work.

If he is still in contact with the OW, tell him that will either stop, or he needs to pack his things and move in with her. Let him know what the consequenses for his actions will be. NEVER NEVER set a consequense you ARE NOT WILLING to follow thru on. Do not say "if you talk/see/meet/e-mail/text/call the OW, you are GONE", UNLESS you are WILLING to do just that.

There is NO POINT in sending them "mixed messages". If you cant or wont follow thru, dont lay down the law.

Stay strong and know that you are NOT to blame for HIS AFFAIR. "
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Reply #6 - 06/18/07  12:58pm
" NO, you are not to blame for HIS affair, he just wants you to *believe* you are so that he can get out of the consequences that that brings. Such as you possibily leaving him. You DEFINATELY setting new boundaries. You no longer trusting him and from now on, checking up on him. You possibly telling him if he wants to be there, go to marriage counseling.

IT BREAKS MY HEART that he abused you ( which , Im sorry but he has) for so long, and then cheated on you and wants YOU to take the blame. Girl, please see it for what it is. Abusive jerks ALWAYS want you to take the blame. And cheating, within itself, is the highest form of emotional abuse that you could DO to someone else.

If you doubt that he will not change the way he treats you, please do it from a distance. Tell him to get out until he grows up and can treat you like a man should, and the way a woman deserves to be treated. Please do not find excuses ( even love) to keep someone in your life like that.

Love you first.

I am NOT against giving a cheater another try. I AM against abuse, name calling, blaming, shifting, and treating someone like shit. You dont deserve that. At all. "
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Reply #7 - 06/18/07  3:23pm
" This is NOT your fault..unless you tied him down and forced him to cheat against his will(which I doubt happened)..its not your fault....he made a choice and now he blames you for it.....its typical..my wife blamed me for her affair too...its how cheaters feel better about themesleves.....they know its wrong but if they can blame someone else then they can somehow justify it...if he wont go to couneseling, I say dump him and move on. "
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Reply #8 - 06/22/07  2:53am
" No way, how can he say that to you? and it is not about being pretty,I look nice and even teenage boys flirt with me and my husband had various affairs. I know is dificult ,my ego has been on the floor,and you say that you doubt he will change.and even if you became a supermodel overnight he will still be the same, that is just an excuse.Love is not about being perfectly beautiful,there is always someone better looking than us,no relatioship can stand on that! "
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Reply #9 - 06/22/07  9:01am
" I, too am with a man who has blamed me for his infidelity. The first time I was younger and just had kids so was a bit chubby and caught up in housework etc. I took the blame. I made some changes to my appearance etc and although I did them for the wrong reasons, it at least made me feel better about myself and more confident.
I am older now. And he has been having a long term affair. I now have the wisdom to see that it is too easy for them to place the blame on someone else. Much easier than admitting that they have a problem or a weakness. NEVER accept the blame. He made that choice and it was a calculated choice. He is not a baby or someone with no thought processes. He took the deliberate action to betray your trust. HE did. Not you.
It is about accepting responsibility. Until he is ready to say that he made a mistake and come to realise what his motivation was, then he will keep blaming someone else.
I dont know why they do it, but they all do.
I always now say, what you put out, you get back. If he is putting out blame and dishonesty, that is what he will get back. You know who you are and how you have behaved. it is not about appearance, it is about what is in your heart. Your heart has not betrayed or disrespected anyone, his has. Keep yours pure and you will receive the same from those who are truly valuable in your life. "
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Reply #10 - 06/22/07  4:03pm
" You know - many/seems like most cheaters..try to blame shift, and make excuses for why its YOUR fault and not thiers, or how you had a part in it, or how it's just NOT thier fault....it's all BS.

BUT - he's ATTACKING you / HURTING you ALL OVER AGAIN the WAY he has choosen to do this.
That's BS.
First of all - "attractive" is relative, and has nothing to do with a few extra pounds, or less makeup, or how you "take care" of yourself...
And the OW is probably NOT attractive in the way you think he "wants" from YOU... becouse THAT is BS.
It's like he's knocked you down, and now he's kicking you.
Why does he want to stay together with you? He doesnt act like it. He act like he wants to hurt you.
Its wrong.
It could be just an extreme reaction to an extreme and highly emotional situation - but you need to call him on it and it needs to STOP right away.

Or - ---if he just IS an ass,hopefully this will push you over the edge and make you realize that if you leave him you wont be losing ANYTHING at all. "

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