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The 180
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I thought this was a good thing to share with my many 'friends' here who are in need of strength and self-respect. Hugs!
What is 180 and how does it work? 180 is a list of behaviors from Michelle Wiener Davis, the author of Divorce Busting, that will help your spouse to see you moving forward as a healthy person. I would highly suggest that any new betrayed person begin these behaviors as soon as possible. No one wants to be perceived as pathetic. 180 makes you look strong. Strong is attractive. So here's the list: Don't pursue reason, chase, beg, plead or implore. No frequent phone calls. Don't point out "good points" in marriage. Don't follow her/him around the house. Don't encourage or initiate discussion about the future. Don't ask for help from the family members of your WS. Don't ask for reassurances. Don't buy or give gifts. Don't schedule dates together. Don't keep saying, "I Love You!" Because if you have a brain in your head, he/she is at this particular moment, not very loveable. Do more than act as if you are moving on with your life; begin moving on with your life! Be cheerful, strong, outgoing and independent. Don't sit around waiting on your spouse - get busy, do things, go out with friends, enjoy old hobbies, find new ones! But stay busy! When home with your spouse, (if you usually start the conversation) be scarce or short on words. Don't push any issue? No matter how much you want to! If you're in the habit of asking your spouse his/her whereabouts, ASK NOTHING. Seem totally uninterested. Your partner needs to believe that you have awakened to the fact that they are serious concerning their assertions as to the future (or lack thee of) of your marriage. Thus, you are you are moving on with your life? without them! Don't be nasty, angry or even cold - Just pull yourself back. Don't always be so available for anything! Your spouse will notice. More important, he/she will notice that you're missing. No matter what you are feeling TODAY, only show your spouse happiness and contentment. Make yourself be someone they would want to be around. Not a moody, needy, pathetic individual but a self-assured individual secure in the knowledge that they have value. All questions about the marriage should be put on hold, until your spouse wants to talk about it (which may not be for quite a while). Initiate no such conversation! Do not allow yourself to lose your temper. No yelling, screaming or name calling EVER. No show of temper! Be cool, act cool; be in control of the only thing you can control? YOURSELF! Don't be overly enthusiastic. Do not argue when they tell you how they feel (it only makes their feelings stronger). In fact, refuse to argue at all! Be patient and learn to not only listen carefully to what your spouse is really saying to you? HEAR what it is that they are saying! Listen and then listen some more! Learn to back off, keep your mouth shut and walk away when you want to speak out, no matter what the provocation. No one ever got themselves into trouble by just not saying anything. Take care of you. Exercise, sleep, laugh & focus on all the other parts of your life that are not in turmoil. Be strong, confident and learn to speak softly. Know that if you can do this 180, your smallest CONSISTENT action will be noticed far more than any words you can say or write. Do not be openly desperate or needy even when you are hurting more than ever and are feeling totally desperate and needy. Do not focus on yourself when communicating with your spouse. It's not always about you! More to the point, at present they just don't care! Do not believe any of what you hear them say and less than 50% of what you see. Your spouse will speak in absolute negatives and do so in the most strident tones imaginable. Try to remember that they are also hurting and afraid. Try to remember that they know what they are doing is wrong and so they will say anything they can to justify their behavior. Do not give up no matter how dark it is or how bad you feel. It "ain't over till it's over!" Do not backslide from your hard earned changes. Remain consistent! It is the consistency of action and attitude that delivers the message. When expressing your dissatisfaction with the actions of the wayward party, never be judgmental, critical or express moral outrage. Always explain that your dissatisfaction is due to the pain that the acts being committed are causing you as a person. This is the kind of behavior that will cause you to be a much more attractive and mysterious individual. Further it SHOWS that you are NOT afraid to move on with your life. Still more important, it will burst their positive little bubble; the one in which they believe that they can always come back to you in case things don't work out with the OM/OW." Posted on 03/12/08, 01:43 pm |
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Hey, this is really great advice. I am not sure I am a strong enough person to pull it off though.
For me, I the beginning, it was the screaming and crying that got me through the pain. Kinda like a steam release valve. If I had tried most of that stuff, I would have exploded! LOL Hey, but I was 6 and half months pregnant D-day! So maybe it was just hormomes! Thanks for the post! 
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Emeraldeyes-You are my hero. Some had mentioned "180" to me in the thread I started on "emotional affairs". Didn't know what they were talking about. Just found it tonite. I had started doing some of it without knowing about it. I had sit at home, waiting and wondering, when or if he would come home. When he did, he acted as if nothing was wrong. That just pushed me further down. So I would just sit around all day mindlessly watching tv and eating. Then Good Friday, I was reading my devotional and decided that if Jesus could die on the cross that day for me, then who was I to lay around and do nothing for him. So before my feet hit the floor, I decided whatever I did today I was going to give it my all and to it in His honor. I cleaned for 12hrs that day and 12hrs the next day. I put on dance music and I danced and cleaned. I didn't even turn the tv on. I didn't sit by the phone and wait for him to call. And I started the "180" without knowing. And ever weekend since, instead of sitting home waiting on him to show or not. I got dressed up and went out. I didn't go to a bar or anything, didn't even spend any money. Went to the lake and watched to sunshine and listened to my music. And the past 2 weekends, he beat me home. And it felt great. Now when I go out, even if its just to get groceries, I dress nicer and put on makeup. I'm not doing anything, but he don't know that. Mother's Day is our anniversary. I didn't go to church, cause I didn't want anybody to mention it. I sleep to almost noon. Got dress up and left. Didn't get home til 11pm. Watched "Soul Surfer" and was just what I needed. Took some pictures and had ice cream. My whole outlook has changed. I don't know if we will stay together or not. But whatever happens, I know I can get thru it. I will get thru it. Not saying it will be easy or fun, but I will make it to the other side. Putting more of the "180" into affect tomorrow. I read the whole thread and got something from all your comments. Thank you all. If the list seems to much, just start with one thing. It's very enpowering. Change my whole outlook. This needs to start at the top of the list.
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The 180 I agree with for the most part but there are people that have been betrayed like me that the 180 does not work on. Examples..my H is and has been non communicative since we have been together.I was supposed to get used to it, as he said I knew it when we got together in the first place. No valid excuse when I confronted him about his several month texting and talking to his just a friend. Still wont communicate now several months after DD.
I do or dont do most of the 180, which ever it said to do or dont do.Makes no difference. He prepares most of his own meals, I used to be a door mat before, now I am not, makes no difference.I prepared meals for when he walked in the door, carried them to him while he watched t.v.. Now I do not. Did not change, I tell him to either come get a plate or he tells me he will fix himself something. I used to wash and hang his clothes, now I dont. No difference, he does his own with no comments or complaints. Used to hand his lunch to him when he walked out the door, now I dont,.used to be home waiting on him with either coffee or iced tea, if I am home now when he gets home it's rare. No difference. Used to keep up the yard, he does it now, no difference. I spend the greater part of my time in a spare room away from him. He asks nothing about why I am in there. Pulled myself back 100%, no questions, no crying, no demanding. Makes no difference.I do not ask questions about his day, he asks nothing about mine. I say nothing to him when he walks in the door, he says nothing and that can last several hours before a word is spoken and it is always me that initiates a question or comment. He expected me to forgive and forget, his brain was on vacation. Because now it is 7 months past DD he is worse than before, then there were 3 sentences from him, now maybe one sentence. Some see after the 180 is in effect that the marriage is worth making an effort to change and not lose a loving spouse they had before. Others such as mine act like I am the one that has the problem, get over it. Being disabled I am not in the position to change anything because of finances. So on it goes daily, no discussions about the just a friend relationship he had. He refused counceling, but I go. He does not ask anything about my counceling. He said past is past and will say nothing else about it. He aquired some of her belongings, furniture that is in our house. I have been getting rid of it piece by piece, nothing is said, no questions about where the stuff went or why. He has made no attempt to remove anything on his own. So the 180 does just work for most but not all.
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momshummingbird-It sounds like your married to my husband. That is him to a T. But the 180 worked for me, it gave me my self respect back. If nothing else it's showing him that he is not the end of me. That I will live life with him or without him. I won't be his excuse for what is wrong in his life anymore. I can't move out on my own either, yet. And because of my son I chose not to move out. We didn't talk much before anyway. Never had much sex either. Only thing that has changes is the way I feel about myself and my life. Do the 180 for yourself. Let it change how you feel about you. Then maybe he will see the change in you.
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Bump
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@Trying2trust - This soooo can work. 61/2 Mos pregoat D-Day is tough for anyone!!!! You CAN do this. Things are better for me! 5 Mos since DDay for us.
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I let mine go completely. I am too humiliated and the manner in which he did it was BEYOND disrespectful. He got phone numbers of not 1 but 3 women IN MY BUILDING. Not the building across from us...not the buildings behind us...BUT IN THE SAME DAMN BUILDING I LIVE IN. Also I don't know if I told you guys but a neighbor he would frequently hang out with (Male) told me about two of the chicks and he claimed they moved out the day we moved in. He knows my personality now and he knows I would confront them. Not because he tried to cheat with them. But because these SLUM GHETTO TRASHY BITCHS would literally stare me down when they would see me BEFORE I knew what time it was. I get that from jealous hearted females so I just brushed it off. Now I KNOW they were staring me down cause they were after my man and that's what trampy whores do. I promise you though if that wench isn't careful...I'll do something to really hurt her. I'm not the chick to f with when I don't even know you. That garbage is between her and my ex...don't get mad or caught attitude with me. When did sideline whores and cum recipticals forget their place? Really though.
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newbie..hello
How or would this apply to a 30 year marriage, h. is 54, I am 57. Online hooking up with Russian/Ukranian women with romance in mind. Had a brief stoppage...to try to reconcile...still supposed to be trying. Found out he has reconnected with the site, is telling them we've gotten back together but wants to still keep in contact with them. (He doesn't know I am aware of this). Any advice please
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Treading - it is my opinion that since your husband is repeating his cheating behaviors, the 180 will not help you in any efforts to rescue your marriage.
Instead, focus on the elements that help you grow stronger and more independent. You should also consider kicking him to the curb, because what he is doing had stepped up a notch. What he is saying to them is that he is married but has no intention of staying faithful. He is simply to much of a coward to be honest with YOU.
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Thank you Imdealing
I really don't understand why he thinks it's OK to do this. He so apologized for the pain he had caused and I guess I was foolish enough to believe him. I am having a real hard time with this as I only found out today about the new connections........well they are actually the same ones he was smitten with before. One is 22 years old. He has told her he loves her but is not "in love" with her. I want to scream as that is what he told me when he first started all this. I will try to do the 180 for me...it's just so hard to let go even when t's so obvious.
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