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Discussion:
Will it ever get better?
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Exactly one year ago some random woman posted a story on my boyfriend's facebook page about what a man whore he was and shared intimate details about his trysts with one of her friends and dealings with several other women. That's how I officially found out...humiliation on so many levels!

I am a strong, independent, older woman who would have never before accepted such disrespect but we worked it out, I forgave him, and we are trying to move on.

My hurt has gotten a bit better, but I still cannot seem to get past it, I keep reliving details that he told me of these women because I demanded the dirt. Now I am using them as devices to torture myself over and over again.

Sometimes I think I am more angry and disappointed in myself than in him for tolerating his behaviour, that maybe I am disrespecting myself by staying with him. I constantly find myself looking for signs he is at it again because I chose to overlook them the first time.

Any advice from people out there going through this or who have been there before? Can you ever trust a cheater again?
Posted on 10/16/13, 11:55 am
20 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Reply
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Reply #11 - 10/17/13  9:18am
" CountyMounty, thanks for sharing some of your story with me. It is a relief to know that I am not the only person who has chosen to try and rebuild after betrayal.
As for your questions about the "big reveal" lol....I did not know the woman, she was a friend of one of the woman he was sleeping with. That woman became upset with him when he decided to pull the plug on their trysts/meetings....(I get the impression she thought they were dating). Anyway, she told her girlfriend the story of how he dropped her and that got her mad enough to out him on his FB page for me and all his other friends to see. I was both horrified and relieved at the same time, it was finally out in the open. I emailed that woman and also the woman he was sleeping with because I wanted to hear the whole story from them directly. I am not sure that was the best thing to do as I also have specific, initimate details from her to bounce around in my head. The only benefit was it exposed a little more of his lies, he couldn't deny it, I had proof right from the source!! "
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Reply #12 - 10/17/13  9:27am
" Anastasia01, after a year I can say it gets a little better. I still have frequent trigger moments where the memories come flooding back. I am off the charts suspicious and constantly looking for any little random thing that might be a sign of cheating.
We function normally most days, but I have some deep seated anger at him that cannot be resolved on my own so counselling is the next step for us and for myself actually...I need to stop beating myself up over this.....being a lying, dirty cheater is a flaw of his...NOT MINE. "
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Reply #13 - 10/17/13  9:35am
" Wow Arabella, 4 years! I hear what you are saying. It's like the time you spent together before you knew doesn't exisit anymore because now all of those memories are tainted, all lies, they steal all of that from us by making a concious choice to cheat. Over the course of this journey I am going through many ups and downs but one thing I have learned is that I no longer want to play the role of victim. This has been a hard lesson learned, but it has definitely made me wiser and stronger. "
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Reply #14 - 10/17/13  7:08pm
" Wellll, I don't think anyone ever "totally" "gets over it." I do think that if the CS makes enough changes and obvious efforts the relationship may be a viable one. Mine is. But, to say that I feel as I once did, or trust as I once did would be an outright lie. I was married to a man many years ago for twelve years. I suspected, though never actually caught, cheating for most all of those years. I never learned to trust him again, because he never stopped. I divorced him...thank goodness! My current H and I have been together for more than thirty years. He hurt me with some serious behavior around eight years into our marriage. I thought we had it straightened out. And, I trusted him more than any other person I've ever known. I found out around six years ago that he had been lying to me again. That hurt me more. I think that repetition really pretty much assures that trust will never be fully restored. And, the hurt they impose always creates barriers for me. So, though I still love him, I trust him...a wee bit...almost...I don't feel about him or the relationship as I once did. And, I don't expect myself to. Hurt is a powerful change mechanism for me. Accidental hurt...not so much. Intentional disregard and selfish behavior....absolutely awful. So, I figure, you hurt me once with something, I get over it pretty easily. You hurt me again with that same thing, I'm not likely to ever totally get over it, because? Ya knew better! And did it anyway. "
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Reply #15 - 10/18/13  2:11am
" |'ve had so many D Days that it just insanity. I stuck it out, again and again and again. With each new event or me finding out, things did change. We had a formal full disclosure june 11 2013. I knew about 85% of it, our counclor was surprised at my reaction of lack of. He acted out 3 weeks ago, and even if he didn't "sleep" with someone, that doesn't seem to matter to me. The only positive thing I can give him is it wasn't a months or years fess up. When he came home, I told him I know you cheated. He said the usual no I didn't, I didn't do anything wrong.. the usual bs, only I didn't sooth it this time. I said I know you did, say what you want, It only took 2 1/2 weeks for the denial on is part to stop, compaired to years. No more 1% I'm wrong. I was even able to know who and what was, ect. (he hates my 3rd eye, so do I) I guess the one that changed me was with his x wife that was happening 6 years ago. Oh wow, yeah I am in trigger mode. Sept/Oct seem to be. Oct 4/07 xgf, Oct 20/07 ONS, Oct 29/07 xwife, Sept/Oct 2012 Cheryl, Sept 25 2013 Brenda.. and so on. I have a thing for dates too. But it was the one that truly changed me was xwife. That destroyed me. I decided I was never going to let anyone hurt me like that again.. and I know so far nobody has. Eventally like you, I refuse to be in victim gear. Good for you for going that way, you will be so happy that you are not staying stuck in those crazies!!! But as I have said to him. My trust is not in him, but I know I'll be ok. I put my trust in my high Power (GOD but not in the reglious alpha omega) I trust that he will protect me and keep me safe, and take care of me, because nobody else has or will. And for 5 years, that is the truth for me. Once I took a look at my part in some of this, none of it is my fault, that is not what that means, but my part. 12 steps, step 4 I guess you could say.

I have to say that whoda is correct with his ability to hide things so well. But once the gig is up, they usually find other methods of acting out. Facebook eh.. that has been the curse of a few marriages I do think. To post it on facebook, shows maturity level of those doing it. But I think whoda really hit things on the head, so I will leave that alone.

We where doing very well him and I after the DDay in June. We had just gotten back from Cuba 4 days before he took off, and things had been looking positive as he had been doing the to do things.. I have decided that it is time to separate., Was not an easy choice or decision to come to or make. Might not be forever, just until he figures this one out. So, keep vigilant but don't let It control or rule you. I spent so much time investigating that I forgot and lost myself. I call it victim seeking.. Looking for away to catch him and then victim playing. That got old years ago. Once I stopped, I started to focus more on me, and my getting better. "
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Reply #16 - 10/18/13  6:58am
" I hate to be negative but once a cheater, always a cheater. NEVER blame yourself. It's their problem. Don't torture yourself it just gives them more power over your life. Move on, as bloody hard as it is, you'll be better off. Trust me. Be strong. X "
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Reply #17 - 10/18/13  7:10am
" Oh and by the way, I got dumped after 25 years of marriage. It's devastating but life has to go on. I'm so mad and hurt I just wish he was dead, it would hurt less. "
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Reply #18 - 10/18/13  1:46pm
" Survived, thanks for your insight and you know part of me believes that too. How can someone who thrived on that kind of attention and dangerous thrill seeking, validation settle into a hum drum normal relationship?
Live in GF's and wives have responsibilities, kids, jobs clearly not as fun as secret friends with benefits who make no demands!
I only fault myself now for not calling him out first - when I saw all the huge red flags popping up.
Believe me, I did toss him out at first, took him back and have considered kicking him to the curb many times since. He has, to my knowledge, been committed since then but has been warned even one errant text message and your ass is grass. Fool me once, shame on you, fool me twice, shame on me! "
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Reply #19 - 10/20/13  7:23pm
" I think that your feelings are normal but I’m in different shoes. When I found that she was cheating she choose to end our marriage. I hoped for a chance. I hoped for the chance to put the “what ifs” to rest. Had she chosen to give it a chance I would most likely be filled with doubt, as you seem to be but for me that would be better than the certainty of OVER
But I love her and would rather find out if we could survive infidelity. if we could look in our respective mirrors and mend the things that need mending for each other. No guarantees but I hoped for the chance to work on things from my end. I hoped that she would aks to work on things from her end.
Do you love him, Are you & him really willing to try, then take the lumps if they come because they may NOT and you two may be okay.
I hope that you can determine what path to take and that it takes you somewhere good "
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Reply #20 - 10/20/13  8:27pm
" anastasia01 I dont think there are very many that ever "get over it" it is just one of those things that changes your life forever, whether you stay or go. I do think one thing to consider though is that most of us are here on DS because we are struggling with it, for those few people that have "gotten over it" whether it be by leaving or staying and forgetting and moving on, they are not here on DS. It is unlikely that you will ever have your life back "like it was" your relationship will never be the same, the dynamic has changed. Yes there are a few that say that eventually their marriage became better, but I just have a hard time understanding how that is possible but it is for some. I can see how some things can actually be better than before (for one if the CS really does change and stop the behavior your no longer living a lie) but there are some things that likely will never be the same like trust, and security, faith, respect etc. There are plenty of "success stories" here on DS and other places, not necessarily of people whose lives are now so much better but those of people who have made their marriage work and things are going OK, CS's have changed, and life is pretty decent. There are also success stories of some that left their CS and are happy with their new life. It will be up to you to decide what you are going to consider a successful outcome, but I think a goal of your life being the same again might be a set up for disappointment. At two years past Dday and still in the relationship I cant say that I am a success story not by a long shot, in fact most days are still pretty tough, but some things have changed, the types of things that time helps heal have already started by default. As far as counseling goes it can help in various ways. For us for the first couple months it helped in that it put everything out on the table it got her to finally tell the truth about everything and admit some of the things she was afraid to say and acknowledge some problems she had had for years. After that we started to slowly just delve into the relationship and how to move forward day to day, unfortunately or fortunately depending on how you look at it, that is kind of where we are still at with the occasional going back to deal with specific things related to the affairs when they crop up. Counseling in general for anything is a controlled environment where you can both say whatever.

arrabella sounds pretty much just like me, you cant un know things and it does not seem like something that can be "fixed", as in made the way it was. My W says the same exact things wants to take it all back, have it be the way it was before, except now with her feeling and seeing things the way she does now, basically both of us fully in the relationship. And like your H she says she is in it period to the point where she wont even consider me leaving, wont talk about it. Your right you cant make your self pretend feelings, to be happy, you can externally, I do that everyday but some say that a "fake it until you make it" type of approach will work for some, maybe it will for me.

SandyLee24 you are welcome. There are a lot of people on here that are trying to rebuild and yes it is a big help to know that I am not the only crazy one that is. A lot of people say that you should never contact the other people involved but I am not so sure it all depends. It has always been on of my biggest questions to myself as to whether I am glad that I found out all the details or not, on one hand they are haunting but on the other at least I know and there are not all kinds of secrets and lies outstanding. (not that I will ever believe I know it all probably). It almost seems in your situation that it was a good idea, other than the details being torture.

Like Sandy said some things do get better, the day to day does become more "normal", as in the daily function of life, it has for us. The feelings are not normal for sure. "

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