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staying because it's easier
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My inner voice has been telling me for awhile now that I will never get past my H affair. So why do I stay? I have thought long and hard about the answer to that. I guess simply put, because what I have here with him is better than what I would have to deal with if I were on my own.
We live here in Mn. and my whole family is in Pa. Even so, my family has so many issues going on that it wouldn't exactly be a comforting place to go to. I mean my mother and sister love me and I love them dearly. But they live together because my sister got a divorce and has money problems, my mom is terrible with money so she also has money issues. My father past away from diabetes and cancer in 97, hence my mom's problems. Anyway, last week I was crying wishing my dad was still alive because then I would have someone who would take care of me for awhile. Imagine a 48 year old woman crying for her daddy. I have two sons here in Mn. My oldest son is an alcholic so I worry about him all of the time. He will be 29 years old next month and isn't married or even engaged. I was hoping to be a grandma by now! My youngest son is doing well though, going to grad school and living with a very nice girl. It has been two years and this thing still consumes me everyday. I have never been on my own and I know seeing my H with someone else would kill me. I do have depression that I have been dealing with for many years. Even so, with everything else I have to deal with I consider that to be only about a quarter of my problems while my H A is the other 3 quarters. So I guess I will live as is until something drastic happens. Like my H just can't take it any longer. I am on the verge of tears almost daily. Although I hold up pretty good when I need to. I can laugh and have a good time some days. But I know real happiness will never be in my future. How could it after what he did? It has destroyed me really. Posted on 07/27/12, 02:14 pm |
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I feel you pain and know what your going thru, my H cheated in 2008, I stayed cause I love him. You have to do what is best for you! Crying is suppose to be good for the soul, but right now my soul feels like it is dying...
Hollar if you need to talk... LR 
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I think there is pain no matter what you do. I have chosen to walk away. My stbx would not let go of his love for the OW and even told me he still thought about a relationship with her if we don't work out. He broke too much of my trust and shattered too much of my heart. I bent over backwards to try and get him to say and do what I needed him to. It never happened. It will kill me too, because he will probably end up with the woman I hate most in the world. Either choice is hard and there is pain either way. If you can save your marriage, and it is for the right reasons, God Bless you!! Time will heal your wounds. Are you seeing a counselor? It will help you to talk about you and what you need, away from all the drama and pain your CS has brought into your life. Sending you hugs!!
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I don't have much helpful advice as I am just going through finding out. I just wanted to let you know how badly I feel for you. I hope that you can find the strength to make it on your own. You deserve better than to be with someone just because it's easier. I know that I don't know you but your story touches me. Sometimes I feel I am with my H because it's easier. I have a special-needs child. I fear being alone to raise him and his sister. I also have a family with problems of their own. I could not live with either of them. I do love H though. I am hoping I am making the right decision. Good luck to you. I hope your future gets better.
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"My inner voice has been telling me for awhile now that I will never get past my H affair. So why do I stay?"
Of course, I or anyone else here can answer that question for you. But it did make me think that it isn't so much a matter of getting past it, but integrating it as part of your history together. To come to acceptance, not to forget it or act like it didn't happen. Successful integration into the relationship allows you to move forward and work to bring good from the bad. Of course, I know what you are literally meaning is getting "past it" in relation to feeling in love with him again. Whether that happens successfully depends a lot on how much or little sweeping under the rug issues that need to be dealt with for both parties. The CS tends to be guilty of this more than anyone, but the BS can do it as well. But until you can gain a measure of trust both on you're dealing with it effectively and he working through his issues and needing to do all he should and can, it will be hard to do that.
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Thanks everyone for replies. Guess I should have added that I still do love my H. But the pain of what he did is so great that I get lost in it at times. H is doing everything right as far as helping me heal, I just wish I could let this go and be happy again. It is the toughest thing that I have ever had to deal with. I really do want to be able to enjoy life.
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i hear you so crushed. i get lost in it sometimes too. sending support
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Hi socrushed
I "hear" what you mean -- I think recently I have been having similar feelings -- been very frustrated lately (--- welll I dont want to hijack your thread so I am going to stop there). The situation is a drepssing one so I think most of that is normal. However you may want to want to get get some help -- sounds llke you could benefit from talkimg with a good counselor/professional. I certainly understand what you mean by "it has drestroyed (me)...." I wish you well -- you have support here - lots of good people -- I haven't been around much myself lately because of my personal situation.
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i totally get you. My H cheated and i cant forgive him due to the fact that im disabled. But not dead. just because he only gets sex 2 to 3 times a month is no excuse to cheat. Now I feel threatened into sleeping with him more often. We have 2 small children and im to ill to take care of them on my own since i cant work and my SDI hasnt come thru yet. So what can I do????? It sucks!
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My momma told me a women will do a lot for security and a paycheck. To a point, for me, that's true... I am bipolar and my meds without insurance is 200.00 a month. Plus with out him I would have no insurance to see my doctor who prescribes my meds. I'm a stay at home mom to his son and have not worked in a year . He moved me from my home town away from my job of two years and my home that I owned and my family to a god awful place where I knew nobody all the while he had this other women on the side why do i stay... well because i still love the jerk and I need him right now. Sounds awful i know.... but here I am !
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Have you truly looked at your options, in terms of what would need to happen in order to get out on your own? Nothing says you HAVE to move to PA or anything. You are unhappy in the life you have, and that's IMPORTANT. Everyone you named, your H, alcoholic son, Mom and sister with money problems, are all the people you feel obligated to, or you provided a role for. They are not you, and do not dictate your life. You are feeling "positive" you will continue living in a miserable marriage because you feel obligated to other or don't want to be a nuisance.
Instead of looking at the whole thing as a big, scary uncertainty, do a little investigating. What can you afford? What kinds of alimony would you get? What are apartments, etc like in your area? I'm not suggesting you leave him, but as someone who got cheated on, and chose divorce, I can tell you that divorce wad my decision AFTER the counseling, books, etc..and I said to myself, "i would rather face the Unknown then be in this misery just because it's comfortable" I loved my X then (hell, he's my son's father), and I love him now, but just differently than I did. I am 100 times happier now, two years out of my divorce, than I was in my marriage. Cheating only added a layer of disrespect I have too much self-worth to "accept." I feel very sad reading your post. To the poster who said "women staying for security and a paycheck"...I knew, when I got married, I would always have a career and my own insurance, etc. Because IF the time came where I was no longer married, I knew I could stand on my own two feet. Please give yourself the opportunity to put yourself first. A better YOU is a better mom, friend, etc to everyone else. Wishing you luck...HUGS!
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