Oh this is such a mucky issue. I can tell you that lie detector tests are only about 80% accurate. I can also tell you that my H had to take one years and years ago for a police entrance test. He actually failed it, but never lied. He was so nervous and a lot of his answers came out as "inconclusive." He had nothing to lie about, no police record, juvenile or otherwise, no mental illness or any other illness. He just couldn't understand why some questions came out as inconclusive. Anyway, giving your man the benefit of the doubt, maybe he's just so afraid of getting these types of answers and confusing the issue further? Plus the fact that they can be pretty expensive. That is one of the reasons I do not want to have my H take one. I have sooooo many other things to spend that money on right now. Plus, for me, if I got a bunch of "inconclusive" results, it would mess up my head something fierce. I want the truth from my H's lips...period. I hope you can come to a ressolution on this. Hugs.

znzsmom is right. My husband had to take one when he applied to work at a government agency. It was common knowledge that most people (him included) failed the first 2-3 times, so the test was used as a basis for further interrogation but wasn't itself considered very reliable. It is possible your husband feels taking such a test would do more harm than good. You need to talk to him, in a non-accusatory way, and find out what he really thinks about the test beyond "it will end our marriage" (which is profoundly ambiguous). Would he be open to some other demonstration of honesty? You also need to ask yourself what needs you hope will be met if he does the test, and can they be met in some other way.

It seems the lie detector test is a proxy for both of you for other things. The conversation you need to be having is what needs or vulnerabilities are being symbolized and how they can be addressed in other ways.

he has not said any of what u both have put, just that you should trust me and i am not doing it, if it ends our marriage then be it but i dont want it to end.. My head is messed up big time my life is on a hold for some reason? thank you for your comments xx

I'm going to be blunt. Your H is very much like mine was before he told the complete truth. He was trying to keep the truth from me and would swear he wasn't lying. He even swore on our children and still lied to me. The reason he will not take the test is because there are things he doesn't want you to know. My H went as far as to drive around for 45 mins so he would be able to lie about why the password hadn't gotten taken off the phone account. He's protecting himself. You may have to do what I did and just find the answers to your questions for yourself. Once I was confident I knew the real truth I presented it to him and 2 days later I finally got confirmation. This was 10 weeks after dday. Hugs to you!!!!

Generally speaking, people don't want lie detector tests because they are lying. People don't take drug tests because they are doing drugs.

If your husband thought you were having an affair and asked you to take a test, would you do it? I suspect the answer is yes.

3 guys. How can i find out myself?
I have put things into my head and now i can't get them out.
I have a gut feeling i had that last time it took one year for him to tell the truth that he slept with someone else.
Yes if he asked me to do it i would do it if it was to stop him thinging things and to make him feel better.

He cheated with someone else 6 years ago we been together 7 years he did not tell me till 4years ago. i still think something happened on his stag night but dont know what maybe he kissed someone.

Ask yourself this question - If he is cheating or has cheated again - would you leave? I lived with a serial cheater I can count 9 times that I know about over the course of 27 years. It's not a fact that I'm proud of.

I did it because I loved this man with all of my heart and soul. My marriage vows were important to me. I had two little girls at home that I needed to care for. I was afraid to be alone.

All of those things allowed me to stay and try every time I got the I'm sorry - I'll change...

Today, I am going through the process of divorce at the age of 47. This is not how I wanted it to be right now - we should be looking forward to an empty nest and spending more time with each other, but that's not what life gave me.

I still love my H - but he is selfish and stupid.

I lost all respect and self esteem over these years, taking it and taking it. I'm now starting over - while some of this new independance is liberating, my heart aches for him constantly.

You need to ask yourself even if he did take the test - what you would do if the answer came out as yes. Would you leave? Would you stay? It's a very tough decision to make and the only one who can make it is you. Some marriages can get past infidelity, but it takes work - lots of work and both people need to be devoted to it.

Both parties.

Have you tried marriage councelling? Or even individual councelling for yourself and he may be able to go individually?

I hope things work out for you. Sending you strength to get through this.

We are going away next week for my mums wedding and when we come back we are going to marriage councelling. If i fount out he has done anything else yes i would leave him as i dont trust him now so thats that. if it was to stop the pain i would it for him so why not for me?

Here is what i hear, that you dont want to trust him, but you dont want the marriage to end, however you are willing to let it end if he does not do the lie detector.
This process is all about healing, not about proving. You cannot change the past whether he is still hidding something or not. The one thing so many of us BS get hung up on, is trying to prove that our CS is not telling the full truth, or the full story, and try to pick and pick and pick until they either cave and tell the full story, or they make something up to shut us up and end up not being honest to shut us up, or they are honest abut everything and we ruin it by trying to get more.
This is a very slippery slope. One that i think would be best addresed in your MC session. My personal opinion, is get rid of the lie dector idea and let things get sorted out in MC.

Thank you for your comments, i am still thinking what to do xx

I have frequently considered the lie detector test myself. It started long before dd. I had always felt almost sure he had alteast 1 A 11 and 9 years ago ( since dd i learned it was 1 long affair). Now wer are at a crossroads of sorts in our relationship. I dont feel he is or has cheated since dd or in many years prior to it. However I continue to feel that there are many details that he may have gone easy on in order to keep it clean and hopefully repairable for me. I posted a couple of weeks ago about lie detector tests and got the same type of responses. If I were to have him take a test I would ask him the exact questions before hand to give one last chance at the truth coming from him. but like they say here the tests could be inaccurate and i wouldnt want to chose divorce over deal breaking questions because he was too nervous. So I think there is lots of good advice on here. Are you questioning past details of confessed A? or current behavior? For me it is all past stuff and I have pretty much decided to put the lie detector test on hold and work on the present (for now, lol)

In my case, I used FB to unravel the truth and tie down dates that I was concerned about. I also had the misfortune of finding things in his computer that I didn't want to see by checking his computer history secretly. When I clicked on things he searched or looked at, not only did nude photos of her pop up, but so did her name. He was looking at her FB page that same day he looked at her nude photos. This led me to search his photo and video files and next thing I knew I was watching their sex tape. Snooping pays off. Not always in a positive way though.

If you have to ask someone to take a lie detector test, there is no trust or basis for a future. I'm sorry but I like people who tell the truth. If I know they have betrayed that trust, I do not like them anymore. They are gone to me. People, many times, put off making the hard decisions. Distance-you might want to think about that too.