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Advice:
Can serial cheaters and pathological liars be cure
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Please help...anyone in counseling or therapy? We thinmk my H is a serial cheater and pathological liar. Can that be cured or controlled??? Please help. i can't decide whetehr to stay or not.
Posted on 01/29/10, 11:00 am
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 01/29/10  11:21am
" Ok, this is going to sound weird cuz my STBX is a serial cheater (emotional affairs for sure, not sure about physical). And he lies A LOT... mostly to cover his butt. BUT... I do think that SOME serial cheaters and liars can change. Not sure about cured but I think they can change.

The keys seem to be this:
- They WANT to change
- They get intensive therapy or go to a 12 step program
- They because an open book to you
- NO MORE LYING... even about little things

Our therapist swore that she didn't think my H would cheat again. I wasn't sure but I could see if my H had done all of the things I said above, we'd still be together and working on things. Unfortunately, he didn't do all these things, instead he continued to lie and hide things, so we are getting divorced.

The big thing to remember though is that your husband's recovery is HIS. You cannot change him, control him, or cure him. HE has to do those things for himself. It's a HARD thing to swallow. I felt so frustrated when our therapist told me that. I felt so helpless. But in the end, I was able to give up some of my frustration and anxiety because it wasn't up to me to fix this... he had to. And if he didn't, I had a decision to make.

This is SO hard and I'm sorry you are going through it. I would say lots of counseling for both of you, joint and individual so you can make good decisions for yourself.

But I do have hope that someone can change their ways if they want to! "
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Reply #2 - 01/29/10  2:59pm
" Design is right.

honestly i think people can change but i don't think it is your responsibility to live with the consequences if he can't. honestly idk if you owe him your support in his attempet. only he can change himself and who knows if he is being honest about wanting to change, or unfortunatly when he committed to you. you have to take care of yourself first. "
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Reply #3 - 01/29/10  6:03pm
" I am with Design on this one to. I think they can change if they want to change. "
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Reply #4 - 01/29/10  6:27pm
" It's called sex addiction. I have been married for 39 years and have discover 20-30 affairs, by reading one old e-mail, I then asked one simple question-How many women have you slept with all night with? My nightmare began. There are lots of books on this topic, Tiger Woods, Bill Clinton etc. It's sounds like men of success can have this disorder "
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Reply #5 - 01/29/10  11:21pm
" The key to recovery in anything is the sincere desire to change and a willingness to dig deep enough to find the reasons for the issue in the first place. A cheater has to be remorseful and not guilty or sorry because they got caught. They have to fully understand and accept responsibility for the poorest of choices and not blame it on anyone except themselves. Nobody and nothing "drove" them to it. Using that excuse is just that. An excuse to hide from self discovery.
Honesty is also a must which would be impossible for my ex at this point. I don't think he even tells himself the truth, although it does haunt him in his dreams and always will in my opinion.
These are hard things to do and face, but unless they are willing to do it then no, they will not change. They will just try to "re-invent" themselves with a new person and sadly not change a single thing in their lives that they are unhappy about.
Once a cheater always a cheater is an expression you hear and it is true a lot of times because the cheater is not strong enough, honest enough or open enough to do the tough work it will take to change. They want an easy out, which is why they are a cheater in the first place. It is always possible, but it is a very hard road. Of course, nothing truly amazing in this life ever comes easy. So many people forget that looking for the quick fix. "
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Reply #6 - 02/07/11  6:48am
" My husband that i have been with for 25 years just told me a few hours ago that he is a serial cheater. Deep down I think I knew he was cheating. I confronted him once and we had counselling for it and I thought all was better. But he lied and lied to me. He said most have been emotional affairs. And in counselling we discovered that he is likely bi-polar and he comes from a family of addicts (alcohol, gambling) and mental health problems. So if he has already seeked help and is actively seeking more and was the one to tell me about these affairs do you think he can be reformed? I just don't know what to do. I don't know what to believe. "
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Reply #7 - 02/07/11  3:01pm
" I think they can change, but unfortunately it seems like what helps them change is a new life without their spouse. If they are a serial cheater and pathological liar with their spouse it becomes a familiar and habitual pattern that is hard for them to break without ending the marriage. Sometimes a divorce and a whole new relationship is what is required to guarantee their success. Just like drug addicts often have to abandon their old friends and forge whole new friendships to ensure their sobriety, I think the same may be the case with a serial cheater/pathological liar. "
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Reply #8 - 02/07/11  3:11pm
" Peace makes a good point, too. It's sad, because the BS is the one whose heart was dragged through the pits of hell, and the "new guy" or "new girl" reaps all the benefits of the CS later on. One of the scariest parts of deciding to leave is that doubt--that tiny seed of doubt warning you that after the divorce you won't find another to love, but your stupid CS will find happiness, love, family, all the things you wanted so desperately and may never have. Not due to any fault of your own.

The solution, of course, is to do some digging within yourself, and if you decide to leave, knowing that your CS could NEVER truly make you happy again. It's the confidence in your SELF, the knowledge that you're making the right choice, EVEN IF she/he finds someone else. If you can picture your CS living the rest of his/her days with another, happily married, while you remain single, and still smile--you're making the right choice.

Anyway, do serial cheaters change? I think it's possible, but not likely. I think I'm a bit more pessimistic than others on this topic...but I think people tend to have one true nature, for better or for worse, and that's the crutch they fall on when times are tough. I'd like to think they can change, and I'm sure that some of them do. But it's an uphill battle, and I don't think I'd hold my breath.

Best of luck! "
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Reply #9 - 02/08/11  11:26pm
" each time he cheats, the chances of you ever being able to trust him again get lesser and lesser.

I am not saying a serial cheater can't be "cured" but the odds aren't likely, at least not until something devastating happens that makes them wonder why/what they've done, re-evaluate the situation and then figure out how to stop it. And, like any other addict, every day will be a struggle to keep that change in their life.

It can happen, but I wouldn't have a lot of hope. Sorry if that sounds pessimistic. "
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Reply #10 - 02/08/11  11:44pm
" I agree with Betrayed. One of the things many BSs, and other people who are in troubled marriages, worry about is that their spouse will fix all the things they were doing wrong and become the person they wanted them to be with someone new. Its heartbreaking to give up on a relationship because the person you are with won't change their bad behavior, only to see them change their bad behavior and become everything you had hoped they could be, with someone else.

All I think you can really do is tell yourself that the relationship was not healthy and you were not right for each other and that is why they would not change when they were with you. They could not become the person you wanted them to be because they were not the right person for you and that person is still out there and once you find them you will be as happy as your ex is. "

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