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Advice:
Christian woman trying to forgive cheating
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I really want to forgive my fiance' for his cheating. We are in a long distance relationship and see each other 2-3 days a week. It's been a month since I found out about it. He is also a Christian, and keeps quoting verses like "Love keeps no record of wrong". While I agree with that, I also think that it is key for the offender to be transparent and eliminate any actions that resemble to offense. For instance, he turns his phone on vibrate, which results in him not asking my calls quite often. It's usually first thing in the morning, as well as when he's in the car. His cheating was mostly in the form of relationships with women from his past to try to find a job. He also said inappropriate things to these women about me and talked about sex with them. We are engaged to be married in Feb and are not havin sex until then.

Quite frankly, I'm not sure where to start with the mess that's led us here. All I know is that I'm mostly effected by his munipulation of the Word prior to me finding out about his wrong doing. When I'd ask him about not taking my calls, where he was at during the day and his continued relationships with woman, he would say things like.. "this is the quickest way to emasculate a man", "God told me to tell you to keep your mouth shut", etc... He's still not fessed up to everything, but I have evidence.

So, here I am today trying to get over this situation with an uncertainty that what is currently going on isn't a repeat of the past. In my opinion, (if he wants to rebuild the trust) he should make sure he turns on his ringer. Instead, he makes excuses for why it's an inconvenience to do so. Meanwhile, when he doesn't answer, I remember when he didn't answer because he had some woman at his place. I also recall when he didn't answer because he was on the phone with another woman. Please don't get me wrong, I am a good woman. We have a relationship with great communication. Quite honestly, I think my fiance' does not feel he's worthy of me, which he's stated on numerous occasions. I don't look at other men when we're out in public. I don't talk to anyone but him. I cook, send him motivational text messages every morning, rub his back, helped him find a job, didn't complain that he didn't have a job, never ever mentioned that I had to fit the bill when we went out or for groceries, gone above and beyond to help him build "the vision", created our family crest, his self-affirmation cd's, etc.. I'm not fool, but I truly believe that this man is my husband. I had a dream about him 3 years ago. The vision God's given him is directly aligned to the vision God told me he's given my husband. ..hate to sound as though I'm boasting about it, I just want to make sure you're clear that (if you ask him or anyonelse) he's got a good woman. I truly believe he's an awesome man, who's been through alot in his past. The more I learn about his past and rough upbringing, the more I love him and understand how he turned to wrong doing. He conducted Christian marriage counseling for 3 years at his old church, but none of which we're actively practicing in our relationship.

I believe that he wants to make right of this wrong. I want to forget and forgive.. Just when I think I'm there, he doesn't answer his phone and doesn't call back for an hour or more. His explanation is that his ringer was off... So, my simple request is that he turn on the ringer to reduce the incidents. He feels that I should practice Agape Love and just not respond when these things happen. His battery went dead, he couldn't hear the phone over the radio (ringer on vibrate), etc...

I know that was a long rant. From a Christian perspective, what would be your advice to me. I want to get over this, but his transparency would help the process. Your thoughts?
Posted on 07/18/10, 06:43 pm
21 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 07/18/10  6:51pm
" Sorry hun - you will be repeatedly hurt and feeling bad as long as you stay with this guy. The best way to forgive him is to let him go and get on with someone who appreciates you more.

Just because you are Christian does not mean you need to be foolish and attach yourself to someone who makes you feel bad. Sometimes you feel good? Well - is it worth it? "
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Reply #2 - 07/18/10  7:20pm
" He is also a Christian, and keeps quoting verses like "Love keeps no record of wrong"

Look at his actions, not words. "
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Reply #3 - 07/18/10  7:48pm
" I agree whole-heartedly with blindsided. Actions are much louder than words and words can always be empty.

I am sorry for you are going through. It's very painful to be betrayed.

God told him to tell you to keep your mouth shut!? Is that your vision of God? Religion is no excuse for emotional and verbal abuse.
God - by any form and any name would want for each of us to be happy and treated with respect and appreciation.

In my opinion it is not your job (any woman's job) to be the "good wife" who does what she is told and keeps quiet.
If he offers no communication, no discussion, no transparency and no amends on his behaviour - he is not taking responsibility for it.

I would think long and hard about your faith in this man and what you think God wants for you before committing yourself to a marriage.

good luck. "
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Reply #4 - 07/18/10  7:51pm
" Blindside, that was sweet and to the point. Quite frankly, that's why I'm still with him. He's dealing with alot right now. I've made a lot of concessions. In his mind, this is just one more thing he needs to keep up with in his chaotic world with man pressure. Frankly, we do talk alot over the phone. When we're apart we're on the phone most of the time. However, those calls are initiated by him. I always answer my phone and wonder if he would feel the same as me if the shoe were on the other foot. No matter how often we talk, it bothers me that I'm not able to reach him (via text or phone) considering his past offenses. "
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Reply #5 - 07/18/10  7:57pm
" God does not, anywhere in the Bible, command us to forgive and forget. You are commanded to forgive, yes. But you are not commanded to trust a man who by his own actions (and by the way he is twisting God's Word to manipulate you) is proving himself to be untrustworthy.

Even Jesus told his disciples to shake the dust off their sandles from towns that would not accept Him... simply because when someone shows you who they are, what and how they believe (by ACTIONS not words), then you believe them.

Sometimes the most respect you can give a person (a man, in this case since he is claiming you are emasculating him) is to accept their behavior at face value, and let them go on their way.

Also.... Agape love.... perfect, unconditional love, can ONLY be found through what Christ did on the cross. We are, as human beings, therefore by definition not capable of perfect agape love. If he is DEMANDING this kind of love from you, then he is not in Christ. I'm sorry to say, but a healthy Christian knows he is a child of God, and is content in the agape love given to him from God alone.

Finally, I would like to suggest that 'God told me to tell you to keep your mouth shut' is abusive. He is not showing you respect, love or consideration in this statement. And he is abusing you in the name of God.... which again, is NOT a sign of a healthy Chritian man.

If he always has an excuse, and you always show pity, then he will always take advantage of you.

I say this as a Christian woman who has been cheated on, lied to, deceived and generally abused by a man who calls himself a 'Christian.' He is a wolf in sheep's clothing, who always has an excuse and a way to blame me... and his tactic frequently involved using God's word against me to try to 'guilt' me into submission to whatever he wanted. Sometimes it worked.

Here is the thing.... being treated that way does not honor God, who died to free us. Freedom... from bondage to sin. Freedom from bondage to a man who abused me in various ways.

This man is manipulating you, and he knows it. I am really sorry for what you are going through. Your request for him to turn the ringer on is reasonable. You are not asking for much. Trust you, stop letting him question yourself and manipulate you. You will not become the woman God intended if you allow that to happen. "
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Reply #6 - 07/18/10  9:00pm
" not even God forgives without true repentance and change of behavior....he is a sex addict and needs help...if you think it is your fate to help him the best way you can is to go to the church and expose his evil and let him experience the consequences of his actions and also grace if he earns it....God bless....get some help for both of you in therapy and educate yourself....please don't marry him until he is in recovery or it will be hell for you and you clearly will take the vows seriously...at this point he will not.....and for his benefit the 2 things God hates the most is lying and adultery...he never condones it or tempts people to do it...only the devil oes that and that who your guy is listening to...he needs help not just forgivenss....he needs to work for that....take care of you and talk with your pastor or minister...mine helped me alot...Good luck "
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Reply #7 - 07/19/10  4:00pm
" HELLO, IT SEEMS TO ME THAT THIS MAN IS VERY CONFUSED ABOUT WHAT 'THE BIBLE 'SAYS ABOUT MARRIAGE, IT IS ONE MAN AND ONE WOMAN, THE FACT THAT HE IS INVOLVED WITH OTHER WEMEN IS OFFENSIVE TO A 'HOLY GOD' AND HIS WORD, I AM SORRY BUT YOU SOUND VERY NAIVE,IN BELIEVING THAT HE LOOKS UP TO YOU, IT SOUND JUST DISRESPECTFULL THE WAY HE BEHAVES AND HE IS USING YOU, I DON'T BELIEVE THAT 'THE LORD' WOULD WANT YOU TO MARRY SOMEONE THAT SOUNDS LIKE IS USING YOU AND MAKING YOU FEEL BAD.YOU ARE PRECIOUS TO THE ''LORD'' AND DESERVE A LOVING MAN THAT YOU CAN TRUST, JUST BECAUSE SOMEONE SAYS HE IS A CHRISTIAN ,IT MEANS THAT HE IS, THIS MAN IS USING YOU, GET RID OF HIM AND WAIT FROM SOMEONE WORTHY OF YOUR LOVE, EVEN THE DEVIL CAN GIVE YOU A DREAM.IF YOU KNOW THE SCRIPTURES WELL ,THAN YOU SHOULD KNOW THAT 'THE LORD' HATES LIES, AND SEX BEFORE MARRIAGE, I HOPE THAT THE LORD GIVES YOU WISDOM TO DO WHAT IS RIGHT,LOVE LUCY.. "
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Reply #8 - 07/21/10  8:19pm
" I think the biggest sin is to say that you are acting on God's behalf. He told you that God asked him to tell you to keep your mouth shut...how awful is that. Not only did he lie which is a sin all on it's own but to say that God told him is deplorable. I believe he is using your faith against you. I have no right to judge him or tell you exactly who governs over him but I 'm pretty certain it's not God. It's not your job to fix him, it's God's. Let him help him.
On the other hand, I think God may also be trying to show you what kind of person you are dealing with. You asked your fiance to turn on his ringer and he didn't. This says a lot. He refuses to do the things that are necessary so I think God is trying to show you (through your fiances actions) that he is not the person for you. Pray for his help and he will show you the way....Peace be with you. "
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Reply #9 - 07/27/10  7:47pm
" I am a pastor's wife and one thing i hate is hypocrisy and using the word to justify any wrong doing that you are involved in. I think he is cheating and as long as you allow him to get away with it he will. I am married to my husband still 22 yrs. He committed adultery this past March and in April left me and my family while I was away on a church retreat. He preached the word and knew it like the back of his hand but never lived it. Get out while you can. the signs are all there. "
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Reply #10 - 07/27/10  9:44pm
" You spend more time worrying about him than taking care of your needs. He is making excuses for himself- he does not need you to make more excuses for him. You need to step back and realize you are a worthwhile person and do not need to take care of someone who is self absorbed. You can not love without trust, and you can not trust if he is not openly transparent. You should take some time off and really think twice about getting into a marriage with someone you can not trust. The best thing you could do for you is let him walk away. He has an option of growing up or not. It is unlikely he will grow up if you keep on letting him get away with his bad behavior and make excuses for it. "

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