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In Category: PCOS and Infertility
Discussion:
Silently Suffering
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Hello everyone. This is my first post to this group, but I'm hoping it will help some of my frustrations to talk to people who experience the same problems. I just found out today that our second cycle of iui was unsuccessful, so naturally I'm in an AWESOME mood (sense my sarcasm). Here's what I've been thinking in my insane grief/anger that follows finding out your are not pregnant:

Why do people with infertility have to suffer silently? I know that most friends and family try to be supportive, but people still constantly question the way you feel, and a lot of the times, you even question the way you feel i.e. feeling pissed when you find out a good friend is pregnant. If someone has cancer no one questions the way they feel about it because they assume they feel terribly about it. People with diseases that are perfectly acceptable to talk about publicly can feel however they want and no one gives them trouble about it. I on the other hand feel like I am judged all the time by those people in my personal life who have NO IDEA what I am going through and how hard this truly is to have to think about every single day! How DARE you tell me how I should feel about an unfortunate situation that you know NOTHING about!

Thanks for letting me rant, if there are others who share in this frustration LET IT OUT TOO! I support you one hundred percent and ANY insane feelings you have about your childless situation!
Posted on 08/22/11, 08:14 pm
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Reply #1 - 08/23/11  1:46pm
" Steffers05,

I feel the EXACT same way you do. I have been trying for 18 months now and have been seeing a fertility doctor for the last four months. I have been diagnosed with PCOS and I am so tired of all the pills and shots and hormones that make me a crazy woman!
What makes it worse id that about 5 months after I had been trying my 5 years younger sister-in-law "accidentally" got pregnant. When she told me all I could think was ,"Dammit, why in the hell can she get pregnant and I can't!" I never said a negative comment, but inside I felt like I was dying. I could hardly keep a smile on my face through all the excited baby talk (it is the first grandchild in the family) and shower I was suckered into helping with. Yes, I was and still am, insanely jealous. Not of her necessarily, but the fact that she has no problem getting pregnant . Very silly, I know. I feel like I almost hate her for it. Doesn't help that she isn't the nicest person either, which pisses me off even more.
Luckily, my sister also has PCOS and went through 2 years of fertility drugs before she finally conceived. I vent a lot to her, and its nice to hear someone else say " I didn't want to be around babies or other people's kids either". Thank God I have her or else I would probably self destruct.
You are right that infertility, is for some reason, still a social stigma. More people are talking about it, but I think dealing with people who have not lived through this is probably the worst thing.
My best friend, who is the sweetest person ever but sometimes a tad naive, can't seem to wrap this whole infertility thing around her head. She is one of those people that could set a clock by their cycle, and when she got pregnant with her first baby she only tried for 2 months. She keeps asking me if I'm pregnant yet, and complaining that she's been trying for 3 months and still isn't pregnant with her second. I finally had to tell her to stop asking and please not to complain about waiting to get pregnant.
My problem is that I don't really talk to my friends about it, but its just hard to explain how you feel without sounding like the biggest bitch ever. So, I totally feel ya. "
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Reply #2 - 08/23/11  3:28pm
" mlstrange,
That is so funny that your sister also has PCOS because so does mine and it took her about two years to conceive as well! We have been trying for about 2 1/2 years and its getting so frustrating! I feel you with the sister in law that got pregnant accidentally. My 22 year old emotionally immature cousin (she acts like she is 16) got knocked up by her boyfriend who is in trouble with the law and pretty much just a jerk. She is in NO way able to raise a child, but SHE"S pregnant! What the hell?? Its just not right. Thanks for sharing in my frustration. Good luck to you and I hope to hear that you have some success soon! "
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Reply #3 - 08/23/11  3:30pm
" Def. feel the same you guys do!! I think that people just dont think about infertility as something that can be painful unless they have been through it!! I mean even after i tell someone i have infertility problems...they still ask everytime they see me "so are you pregnant yet?" and i just think to myself..."i told you im having problems...because of infertility!!!" why would you bring pregnancy up every time you see me!
people just dont think about others feelings before they say something! and ive learned to just accept that people are not always gonna be compassionate. And thats why i joined this support group because everyone on here is compassionate...and very encouraging!!! "
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Reply #4 - 08/24/11  12:43pm
" I know exactly how you feel. It seems like everyone else around me is getting pregnant . Even one of the girls that is pregnant told me that it is no big deal.My husband and I have been trying for nearly 8 yrs now,we have seen so many doctors and finally lasy year my doctor finally told me that i would most likely never get pregnant naturally, and we cant afford invitro. "
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Reply #5 - 08/24/11  4:43pm
" Seriously, why do people always ask, "are you pregnant yet?" No one asks, "Do you have cancer yet?" or "Have you gone through menopause yet?" I've begun telling people strange things like "I was born without a uterus and will never have children (not true but it makes them think twice about asking people such invasive questions)" :) "
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Reply #6 - 08/25/11  8:36pm
" I told my brother and sister in-law that we were going to try having a baby 18 months ago. We wanted to tell them because we knew it was going to be a difficult journey. See, I had to stop taking all medications that were controlling my acromegaly medical condition, and if I didn't get pregnant right away..the acromegaly would flair up. So my brother and sister in-law stated they would be supportive and that they weren't going to try for their second for at least two years.
Well my niece turned two in March and my sister in law pee'd on a stick that day and got BFP. She of course had to share that with all of us at the birthday party. I was so upset, I just wanted to leave. I decided to drink instead and get a good buzz on. Apparently they had decided to try for baby #2.
Since then I've had to seek treatment for acromegaly. It was beyond out of control. Now we are back to concentrating on pregnancy, and about to start taking fertility drugs again.
My DH recently sent me flowers at work after my last AF because he knew how sad I was that it had arrived. I posted pictures of the flowers on facebook and just stated that he sent them just because. The card said "I remembered you like flowers"
My brother in law called my DH and said "way to make the rest of us look bad" and then he said he had to go. I was so angry by that!! I mean to make my DH second guess the next time he sends flowers because of what his brother said. And can his brother really not put two and two together and realize that we have been trying for a baby for a long time now with no results. That maybe that is the reason for the flowers??
Agghh.. Maybe I need to boycott facebook as well. And yes, my best friend is due in like 60 days. And at least 3 other women I know are expecting.
At my last appointment with the gyno the Doc said that I'm polycystic. But didn't say anything else about it. I don't know if I truly have PCOS or not. He also mentioned something about glands on my uterus. But he didn't elaborate about that either. I just wish I could go to a Dr and they would tell me what is really going on. "
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Reply #7 - 09/17/11  12:35am
" I can totally relate to what you are all saying!!! People just don't get it! No matter what you say or how much its talked about they just don't understand. It is so frustrating. You know I never thought of it the way some of you have put it. You don't ask people "do you have cancer yet". Ah I just found myself here tonight and joined and have so much to say and so much to vent but fingers just aren't allowing me to let it all out. I've been having problems sleeping so fatigue is setting in. I'll be back on for sure to vent. I'm just so happy to see that people are bitter like me!! I hope that's not offensive. I've been feeling really guilty for not jumping for joy when someone says their pregnant. Big sigh of relief! Please please please message me or friend me if anyone needs to "vent" more. I will certainly need to! "
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Reply #8 - 10/17/11  8:35am
" When a colleague suggested to me last week that i try and find a support group so i could talk to people about how i feel, i never in a million years thought i would stumble on a site and find my exact thoughts and feelings posted by so many women and realise im not alone. I agree with everything that all of you have written and i agree whole heartedly, why should we walk around with our heads bowed because our problems make them uncomfortable or not being able to talk with out being asked if we r pregnant yet or when are you going to start trying way to happily. For years i have kept most of how i feel to myself because i thought the jealousy and bitterness was just me and i was WRONG to feel that way, hating facebook and all of my friends who constantly need to share their pregnancies and every little detail. Its nice to see women like me vent and get how they are feeling off their chests without being made to feel that its us in the wrong. Thank you for all showing me that i dont have to suffer alone or in silence xxxx "
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Reply #9 - 10/23/11  9:47pm
" Sometimes i feel so hopeless. No one can understand how this feels, unless they have experienced it and no one i know has experienced it. My husband asks last month, "maybe we are not doing it right?" Are you kidding me?! I am up to 150 mg of clomid, hcg shot and IUI..i think that is right! I go for my blood work tomorrow and i just know that im not pregnant again. I just dont understand.. why me? Everyone around me has been married for less time and already one or 2 children. Its just not fair. I know life is not fair, but man this just isnt fair!!!!! This affects every aspect of my life...how can i enjoy anything with i am constantly wondering if i will ever be a mother.. Good luck to all of us. Its nice to feel like i am not alone :/ "
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Reply #10 - 10/23/11  9:56pm
" My husband and I have been trying for 7 years. I know that my friends and family love me but sometimes I think people just don't know what to say. Yes, I've heard the "are you pregnant yet?" for some time now. The other day someone told me that I was "glowing." I was really hoping they weren't suggesting that I might be pregnant when I know that I'm not. I know they don't realize it but it like throwing it in my face. When we did get pregnant last year (but miscarried at 15 weeks) a relative asked if my husband was the father. Who asks questions like that?? Are you kidding me?? If I asked someone that question (non-IVF) I'd get slapped in the face! Don't ya think? I will have to say....the one positive out of all of this...I try to think first...before I give advice or try to comfort someone that is going through a hard time. "

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