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Dr Jekill and Mrs. Hide
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I have come to meet my evil twin (the one inside me). I feel a lot of envy with pregnant women, I cry because of the jealousy and because I find it so difficult to stop the feeling, my faith fades away when I wonder why some people, bad ugly people whom don´t want kids are pregnant, do you want the infallible recipe to get pregnant? Drink like sponge every weekend, smoke, the careless you are, the better, then go to a club with teenagers and have sex in the bathroom with the most stone of them, keep living your life and 14 days after: Ta, taaan! You are pregnant!
My son´s (14yo, from a previous marriage) step mom is older than me and just had a baby and she was pregnant again immediately after, my son lives with his dad now and all that almost kills me I went very low in depression. The worst time of the month starts with the ovulation, hope shows up, hope is not good for me, hope is to think something can happen with no data, no proves, nothing and then to wait 13 days to be able to have a test done, that waiting period is terrible, today is the 19th on this cycle... twelve more days ahead and every minute is like years, I feel time melting from the clock, so slow... We start trying in 10/2011 and it took 6 months, in April/2012 cycle I was pregnant but I was under post traumatic stress, on Xanax, antidepressants, lithium, I stop taking everything as soon as I new but I think my system was to polluted and we had a miscarriage in May/2012 at 6 weeks, that was very sad but we kept trying, every month since then is a complete inferno, my hormones arousing my neurosis and the depression that I had very badly, I don´t take anymore medication, then I bounce in fear and low self esteem, insecurity, depression, anger, when I am in a really bad mental mode I take one pill, that is like once a week, every month has being increasing worse the desperation, I go to AA and it helps a lot, I think there is nothing faith and action can solve, but in here I don´t have to much play, it´s all on God and I wonder if doesn´t want me to have a baby with this man whom I love madly. I had another relationship in 2006, I had a son already, he had one, I did not want kids and I thought once I was pregnant that would change but it didn´t he made me had an abortion, I didn´t want to, I had no choice, I have thought that God is punishing me for having that abortion which, by the way destroyed my life at a time and I am still rebuilding, I have a new family, I move to the USA, new career, new language. That abortion made me so depressed that I had to delete myself and start all over again. I wonder if I will stop paying some day. I will know God forgives me when I am pregnant. Also there is so much wisdom in God´s order and in all the possibilities. I just want to stop "expecting", having hope that is born in the beginning of the cycle grows up everyday only to blow up on my face with the terrible Negative.
This is the first cycle after trying, hum... let´s see: June, July, August, Sept, Oct, Nov and Dec... 7 months in January we decided to go for testing, the company I work for was a mess, when I started there I did not have a work permit, I couldn´t have a better offer. There was no order or formality, not payroll, nothing, I increased the sales through a sophisticated marketing plan, I boosted my as off working only and only to have the precious Health insurance and been able to do this fertility process, that is faith: To love and work for the baby you don´t know yet. I did it for the company from scratch, I learn all about this kind of coverage, I put my knowledge at your service only if you give me hope and a smile, I give you one in advance :)
We went through the testing from day 3 and then HCG and the Clomid challenge, my hope was going good, I thought they were to send us straight to IVF but all the tests were Fine, sperm, ovarian reserves, fibrosis, pcos, hiv, all good, thank´s God. They then send me home to have sex, they told me it is a myth that you have to raise the legs or do it in special positions, they say: every other day, I have read that online, but to my head that meant: every other hour. I don´t know if I made a mistake, I tested ovulation for 7 months, maybe doesn´t matter what you do will happen when God wants it to happen, I Understand but... the waiting, look at me is 3.47am I work tomorrow! and here I am getting obsessed. I hope some one can benefit from my experience.
The nurse told me: You have to come on day 22 for pregnancy test.
I told her: Don´t waste my money and my time (nicer)
The nurse: Ok, you can do a pharmacy test kit
Me: Those 10 dollars are also a waste and the three minutes I will wait are going to give me a panic attack, I can tell you what the result is, is negative, let´s move on...
Nurse: No, no y no, you go and have intercourse on the dates I said and then test and then talk to the dr for the next plan.
There is my hope: IVF with hopefully two successful embryos then is two for the price of one plus, I always wanted to have twins.
But... This is still day 19th on this cycle. I need to find the magic formula to forget about it, I need to stop dreaming of my babies (twins) and their names, hope kills me.
Now, can you please, girls, boys, share with me some successful histories? I need you so much.

May God touche your bellies with a miracle this moth.
Posted on 02/11/13, 03:55 am
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Reply #1 - 02/11/13  7:14am
" your honesty is really heart warming and i really apreciate and respect that you have taken the time to share your story with us, Thank you xoxo
Dont stop dreaming :) "
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Reply #2 - 02/11/13  8:07am
" Thank you very much for your words, you made my day!... 24 hours more... "
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Reply #3 - 02/11/13  12:36pm
" I understand the jealousy, especially when women who don't want kids get pregnant and then act like it's a big inconvenience.

I also understand why you said "hope is not good for me". I feel the exact same way. I hate getting my hopes up, because I know that I am just going to be even more disappointed in the end.

Love that you said "may god touch your bellies with a miracle"...that is just beautiful :) I wish the same for you! "
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Reply #4 - 02/11/13  2:25pm
" Thank you so much for your story. You have been through alot. It's extremely difficult to TTC while suffering from depression. Do you also suffer from anxiety? You seem to worry alot, although we all do in this awful journey.
On another note, i am not real religious, and I completely respect that you are. But please, do NOT feel like God is punishing you. He is supposed to love and forgive. If anybody knew that you were forced into the abortion, it would be Him. If for some reason you end up not being able to conceive, please don't bring yourself down by believing you are being punished. We all have the thoughts from time to time (what did I do to not be able to get pregnant, etc.) and we all hate those who are preggo and undeserving. The waiting is the worst, and a wonderful lady on here told me to take it one day at a time. Set a goal for each day, and treat yourself each day you get through it. This is an awful journey for us all to share, and we are hear to help you through it :-) "
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Reply #5 - 02/12/13  5:09pm
" Let me tell you! Girlfriend- i am with you ( or was a couple months ago) My BF just had her baby in Nov and i was "coping" or so i thought until the little one came along. Then it was like WWIII in my head and my emotions! I didn't want to be around her or the baby nor anyone else for that matter i would burst into tear at a moments notice. Finally i told my dh that i was having serious, serious issues (now mind you i battle with mild depression) i told him that i really didn't care if i got hit by a bus and i thought he would be better off without me! I cried and i got angry and i got frustrated and i'd laugh crazily at myself on a daily basis. - Here's what i did!!!! (I am a naturalist so whatever i can do "naturally" i'll try that first) I went to walmart and got St. John's Wort. - NOW supposively you're not sposed to take this if preg or trying to get preg- but i was at the point i didn't care! I took 2 capsules 1 in am and 1 in pm and you'd be amazed what those little pills have done! I took them for about 2 months and then gradually weened myself off i started taking only 1 pill for a week then 1 pill every 2 or 3 days. Now my mind set is completely back to normal and i am mentally stable again! My regular physician told me they are no diff than prozac the only catch is that the FDA doesn't regulate those like the do RX so one bottle could b stronger than the other and yatta yatta. Now i'm not telling you to do this- you really should consult your physician- even tho i didn't :( - I am just sharing my story and you can take it from there! Also it helps to keep telling myself that "noone is telling me that i will never have kids, it just hasn't happened yet!" We all just have to stick together and keep each other strong and keep the faith even when it seems like we are all alone and there is no hope! :) :) Hope this helps- someone/ anyone! "

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