Incest Survivors Support Group

In my case, I had to totally and permanently cut all ties with my father, my primary abuser. I had a really tough time of it when he died, and I slipped a fairly long note into his casket before they took him to the cemetery in which I damned him to hell for all eternity. That was my decision on the matter, you will need to decide what to do on your own. But in spite of all my dad did to me when I was little, I still had a longing to be with him, to spend time with him.

In spite of this desire to be with him, I kept true to me decision to stay as far away from him as possible. My younger brother never understand this anger, but my mother did. She had been there and witnessed my dad's abuse. In spite of that fact, she tried to get us back together right up until the day dad died. Sometimes, you just need to distance yourself from family dysfunction in the name of sanity. Maybe that's what you need to do now for your own sanity, and that of your child.

I understand how you're feeling. My father abused me from my earliest memories. When I had my son at 19 I knew with absolute assurance that I would never allow my father the opportunity to abuse him. (He abused my brother too.) I wanted life to change. My child was going to receiving loving care and never be hurt. I so wanted to see my father. It sickened me that I could miss him, but I did.

I can't advise you what to do. We all have to make our own choices. My choice was to keep my son and his brother who came later away from the horrible dysfunction I grew up with. I think what I longed for was a real father and every now and then when I was feeling really sad I would give myself a reality check about what it would really be like to allow this sick man back into my life and the lives of my children.

As my children grew they were curious about their grandparents. I only gave then whatever little information they could handle and then told them the truth when they were old enough to understand. I always knew there was a possiblity they would seek out their grandfather on their own as they got older and I don't know how I woud have reacted to that, but if they went I wanted them armed with the truth.

I was absolutely determined to break the chain of abuse and I did what I felt was the right thing for my own new family. My sons grew up to be great guys I would want as friends even if they weren't my sons. I'm so proud of them both. They're in their 30's now and tell me I was a great mom and that they thought I made the right decision.

No matter what decision you make other people will have varied opinions. Some will say it's your father you should forgive him. Others will say, but he wasn't a real father to you look how he acted. I wasn't able to go to a therapist until I was a little older, but it helped me a lot to sort things out. If there's any way you could talk to a therapist it would probably be a big help to you.

For me it turned out well. My children knew only happiness and love from those they were supposed to be able to trust. Over the years I not only lost the desire to see my father again, but finally shed the bitterness I felt and I was able to have happiness in my life too. (Hugs) Sandy

It's so hard because i feel like no one can understand why i don't want my son away from him. For a while i would still have dinner with him here and there but having a baby gives me a great excuse not to see him, the baby's crappy, i didn't get good sleep last night etc. But it comes to a point where he still calls me all the time almost every day to see how i am how's the baby. My family has pretty much distanced ourselves from him each for our own reason. I was daddy's baby so i was the only one he abused sexually. Violence was always around though. It really bothers me to see my dad hold Meechie (my son) because i feel like he doesn't deserve a chance with him why should i risk my son being hurt. My dad used to play with my ears when he did things to me, and when he holds the baby he does the same thing. It makes me want to just snatch him away and run. But then a part of me is like he's my father, he's meechie's grandpa. I hate how confusing this all is and that the victims must deal with the hard choices while the abuser gets away free and doesn't even have to deal with it. Thank you for your kind words and I applauded you for having so much strength. I hope with time I'll become stronger because right now things seem so hopeless. I never thought i would be sharing my story.

yes i can totally relate, i just got out of my dads house about two weeks ago. He would drug me and hurt me sexually, but it hasnt hit me yet that it actually really happened. My dad has already been sentenced for 30+ years and i have this horrible feelings like i miss him, or what if i wouldnt have left, would he really have stopped.. I know exactly how you are feeling.

I know how you feel.
Some of my first memories are of my mother doing things my wife and I do today, but I still feel like it's just play.
I'm 53 today and I desperately wonder how my mother is, but I realize the only time I can see her is when other people are present and I will never be able to ask her why she, as well as my so called father, would not let me be 'virgin' for my wife.

Always protect your children even if the rest of the world doesn't understand you.

Tom S. in Tn.

I completely understand what your going through, my dad sexually abused me for 10 year 4-14 have two boys now, im 19... and i love my dad... i dont know why, i hate him too... i cant figure out which one is stronger the hate or the love... i think as children we cling to our relationships weather they be bad or good... you are out of your comfort zone with this new child, its all something your not used to, the abuse is familure to you... when we are out of our comfort zone we seek the familure, we crave it... weather it be bad or good, its what we know, its what we want, its not fair... itr probably not best to go see him, thik of your child, dont let him have the chance to go through what happend to you, im sorry if its not good advise, but its all i have... its what i did with my children...

My brother raped me from the age of 14 until 17. It was the hardest time of my life. I told my parents back then and they didn't believe me. In fact my Mother said it was my fault...I shouldn't have been hanging around him. I moved out eventually and got married and had kids. Now I have just moved back home because of my divorce. My children live with their dad. So here I am back home where it all started and my brother still lives here. He claims he stays here to help out our parents. he is a grown man who has never left the house. He has never been confronted for the things he has done. And I wonder if he has done this to anyone else. I manage to stay away from him because I am downstairs. I have a lock on my door and I really don't socialize with anyone in this house. I keep to myself. My parents are older now and need all the help they can get. But i just don't want my brother to try anything. Any advice?