Incest Survivors Support Group

This is what I came up with with my dad. Mainly because forgiveness has been urged on me as something I need to do.

If I could look past the mind-shattering hell he put me through...what good is he now?
In his case, not worth whizzing on if he was on fire.

Weigh your mom in a cost-benefit manner. Is her limited love worth having to pretend?
Also...if you told her she was lying right to her face, how would she take it? You could try refusing her dishonest statements and let her make the decision to accept or reject you on that basis.

I really like reply # 5, that sounds like a very good approach...Because a lot of us keep thinking our parents can change. And...well, my physically/verbally abusive mom DID change (thankya prozac! thankya therapy!).

Child sexual abusers, are a class unto themselves though. They tend to have a deficit of empathy. They are mostly too immature, too self-centered, and too damaged in most cases to ever admit fully how much damage they have done.

....You do what will make you happiest, healthiest, and the most whole, even if your therapist gets pouty about it. Therapists are educated, and many are quite good, but none are perfect.

I still love my parrents after all they have done. I hate my father, but I still love him. I'm glad I didn't remember while they were still alive because I don't know what I would have done.

Yes i will let you know thru an email how things went and how i approached my family.

also, I noticed my response was a little trigger for some. I understand this and as i said in my first responce that not all situations are the same. I simply do not agree with your counselor to sever all ties with family members who are abusers or where as was the case with me. unless there no hope or desire to heal the family wounds or change the behavior.

I fully agree to sever all ties if there is no hope or desire. For many survivors of incest this is the case. however in the spirit of honesty i have to stand by my comments and from my research during my recovery i found that the vast majority of incest survivors do maintain relationships with their family and many do go on to heal the family wounds as well. So yes it is different for everyone and each survivor must do what is right for them. I simply do not agree with macro statements that your counselor made. And truthfully, i am glad i didn't have your counselor or would not have had a complete recovery. And if my abuser (only one of many) was still abusing - i would be the first in line to hang him - legally. So i agree with all the comments here - just not you counselors macro approach.

Wow this is something I deal with on a daily struggle,
I ahve been on here many times with this discussion and just talked about this with my counsler today. Its hard becuase when I think of other people I would say no way in hell shoule they speak to their abuser. My dad spoke with his abuser his father years after he confronted him in a letter and I used to think why? I have been accepting and remembering now for the last 10months and it is hard. He is a very mentally ill man WHICH NO WAY MAKES IT OK FOR WHAT HE DID AT ALL!! But for some reason I dont understand I have a hard time letting go of him. I think for one I dont have a realaible parent or any adult figure really for me to go to that hasnt hurt or betrayed me in some way besides my siblings, so has a child and an adult I still feel I need that parenty figure I never had.
2nd I am in hudge denial yes I know what he did BUT I cant remmeber all the gory details although I am now starting to get some very disturbing flashbacks and chills etc.. and even then I just think NO its not possible that he did this. Its so confusing as I know he did things but at what degree I dont know and I am starting to think it was worse then I thought and again I just cant comprhend that my own parent could do this it cant be true. so for this reason I think it is why I am having a hard time letting go denial sadness etc.. thank you for this post and hope this may give you some insight.

Thanks blossoming flower for your candidness, keep being real and true to your feelings, it takes you home to yourself each time. Like, you, I find it difficult to reconcile my parents abusive behaviours and acts toward me and take the more understanding compassionate stance rather than judgement. However, Ive done alot of anger release and work over the years; and I feel strongly its important to do this. I still do anger work, though I don't need to visit it so often these days. Iam learning to accept that Iam a compassionate person, but to be discerning about it. If it means being compassionate is harming to me in some way, like preventing my growth, it may be more appropriate to take the "tough love" approach. I see I have been prematurely forgiving, and my perps, esp my mother, has taken full advantage of this.