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Discussion:
Sexually abused by mother and father
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I am new to the group. I was just wondering if anybody else has forgiven their parent/parents? My father is now deceased, but my mother is stil alive. I still talk to my mom. I have forgiven them. I loved my father deeply, up until the day he died. Has anyone else felt this way or have any thoughts on this?
Posted on 08/26/10, 06:25 pm
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Reply #1 - 08/26/10  7:55pm
" I was abused by both parents as well. For some reason, I can forgive my father (also deceased), but I have such rage and anger for my mother. It may sound sick, but my father was bipolar and he didn't have control over what he did sometimes and when he realized what he had done, he was sorry to the point of tears. My mom sat there and egged him on and she hurt me in secret. I have no feeling for her at all. "
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Reply #2 - 08/26/10  10:54pm
" My mother abused me first. It was actually my mother's idea for my father to have sex with me. She told me if I did it, I could blackmail my dad into letting me see this boy I liked. So I did. My father was an alcoholic., he was drinking the first time. My mother was abused sexually when she was young. They were almost 20 yrs apart when I was born. My father was 35 and my mom was 16. I know that my dad loved me and before he died he told me he was sorry. I believe that he was sorry. I am not sure about my mother, but I still talk to her. Am I angry with her, yes! Do I love her, yes. She is also mentally ill. But I think that anyone who would do these types of things to their children have to mentally ill somehow. I am sorry that you were abused. I hope you heal soon. "
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Reply #3 - 08/27/10  8:14am
" I was sexually abused by my father and mentally abused by my mother. My father too was an alcoholic and he was drunk every time as well. I had a relationship with both of them but was closer to my father until just recently. I never confronted them but decided I needed to set some boundaries to work through the abuse. They did not like the boundaries and when I finally said the best thing for me right now was to have a relationship by email only, they sent back they were not of the email generation and would not contact me at all. I was blown away by it. Remember, I have never confronted either of them or even brought it up. So, for them to tell me this was quite a blow. After working with my therapist, I have decided it was best to cut ties with them since I didn't have an honest relationship and they were still victimizing me through head games and guilt this many years later. So, I understand you having a relationship with your mom, just make sure you have the appropriate boundaries would be my only advice. All of this stuff just happened to me within the past 2 weeks so I may be rambling. But the bottom line, I hope you heal and find the right relationship for you. :) "
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Reply #4 - 08/27/10  10:40am
" I really agree with Smiles about having appropriate boundaries. Very important that the relationship you have with your mother suits you and you are comfortable with it. You say that you are new to the group but kinda wondering if you are new to recovery? If you have reached a stage of forgiveness in your recovery, bravo. I would caution if forgiveness is your goal, there is no shortcut, that an awful lot of anger, hurt and rage has to be processed to get there and surpressing these emotions can just make them erupt in some other way (in my case eating disorders, depression, suicidal thoughts). Just a thought.

Forgiveness is an individual issue for each person and in my opinion, not strictly necessary in the recovery process. Don't get me wrong: I am all in favor of doing anything that gives my head peace but I refuse to compromise myself to make someone else feel better. And for me and my family of origin, that is what it comes down to. The abuser, my mother, has never made any attempts at amends for anything she has done or even admitted any wrongdoing for that matter, my other family members shut me out at the drop of the hat -- why do these people deserve my forgiveness? I pity them, I experience anger and let it go, but no, forgiveness of them is not in the cards.

I work very hard at compassion, at letting go, at focusing on the positive, at making myself the centre of my recovery. I try not to focus on what other people, especially the really sick ones, are doing or not doing. I am under no obligation to be kind or nice or anything else to people that have hurt me or would continue to do so if I let them. They are sick people and they do not know how to be anything else. I used to think I could reach them, talk to them, but really it was just me not accepting that this is who they are and they are just fine with that. I can't change them and I can't live with people that sick in my life because it's like I'm being violated all over again.

One point you brought up about being mentally ill. Pedeophiles, by nature, are sociopaths, that is they see as people as things and that they are really the only ones in the whole world that have feelings worthy of consideration. They are incredibly good at manipulating, at eliciting pity and sympathy (I'm thinking of my own mother here) and very VERY narcissistic.

You said your Dad was an alcoholic -- yes, he had a disease but AA would be the first to say that doesn't make him any less responsible for his actions. Your mother was abused? Most people that have been sexually abused DO NOT go on to sexually abuse other people. It can be a contributing factor but it doesn't mean they weren't responsible for what they did to you. They were adults, you were a child and having sex with a child is not a natural outcome of being an alcoholic or of being abused yourself. I hope that didn't sound too harsh, I just feel very strongly that the unacceptable should not be made in any way, shape or form acceptable. Do not minimize what happened to you or how it has shaped your life.

I'm glad that you love your parents but I hope you are careful about loving and respecting yourself as well. Good luck! "
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Reply #5 - 08/27/10  1:11pm
" I was just giving some background info on my parents, I wasn't excusing what they did. There is no excuse for what they did! I would never hurt my children. Parents are suppose to protect their children not hurt them. What do you two mean by boundries? "
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Reply #6 - 08/27/10  2:57pm
" I wasn't suggesting you would hurt your children. I can only tell you what boundaries mean for me -- everyone is different. For me, boundaries are about what is acceptable and what isn't. This could be what someone else says or how they act towards me, what I allow and what is a dealbreaker. For instance, if my husband started to hit me or one of my children or I found it he was sexually molesting my children, instant dealbreaker. If someone started calling me names or threatening me, instant dealbreaker.

Boundaries are flexible and changeable. What works today may not work tomorrow. I pay attention to how I feel when I am in someone else's company -- do they make a lot of remarks that make me feel uncomfortable? Self conscious? Do I feel manipulated or criticized or constantly defensive? If this happens frequently, if I think its a pattern, to me, these are danger signs that I am not in the company of a healthy person and am putting myself in emotional danger. If I care about this person, I will say something, make them aware of how I feel. If I don't, I will not continue the relationship and I don't look at labels like 'family' to guide me here. Just because someone is related to you does not give them the right to hurt you -- emotionally, physically or sexually. "
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Reply #7 - 08/27/10  3:46pm
" @leeshan, I know you weren't saying I would hurt my children. I said that because I was trying to explain that my parents shouldn't have done what they did to me. I was just saying that I would never to do that to my children, they should've protected me from stuff like that, not do it! I hold them accountable for what happened. It wasn't towards you. Yes, I need to set boundries. I don't really have any. So I neeed to work on that for sure! "
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Reply #8 - 09/02/10  10:41pm
" HI...I am new. I was abused by my mother and father but I suspect my father didn't know what my mother was doing it but my mother knew he did. I was also abused by her mother(my grandmother) and just about all of her brothers and the cousins on that side of the family. Her family was really nuts.

Have I forgiven them...yes. They were crazy nuts and I can understand that. But more than that, I needed to stop spending so much time hating them and wishing to hurt them. It used up way too much of my energy.They didn't care if I hated them and there was no way I could ever hurt anyone...except me. And in order to stop hurting me emotionally, I had to just give up the anger and hatred. I did it for me.

And I've since learned how to see the good parts of them so as to balance my past life so that I can go on in peace.

Thank you for letting me share.

51% "
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Reply #9 - 09/03/10  10:03am
" Idk now if I've totally forgiven them. Maybe my father, there no sense in being angry with him since he's dead. But, I'm pretty upset with my mother. My father apologized to me before he died and I know he was sorry. My mother does not accept responsibility for what she did and blames it on her ex and my dad. She did apologize once, but now blames it on them when she 's the one who did it and it was her idea. This is going to sound really bad on my part, but last year she babysat for me. I told her not to drink because she is on meds for her schizophrenia and fibromyalgia and she gets really goofy. She did it anyway. A cpl weeks later my oldest son told me she stuck here hand down his pants and he hit her. At first I didn't believe him but after I thought about it, I was like why would he make this up? I had to believe my son because why wouldn't she do it, she did to me! I confronted her about it and she denied it. She said, "I would never do something like that!' Oh really?? I said, " Mom, you did it to me!' She said," Oh, that was because of your father and John(her ex)." WTF? I don't know if she remembers doing or not because she gets beyond f' ed up when she's drinking. Needless to say she doesn't watch the kids anymore. She did watch my youngest once or twice but she wasn't alone with him. But she definitely will never be alone with my oldest ever again!! Her response after I confronted her was," oh he hates me!",meaning my son. My mother also believes that there is nothing wrong with her and her past (being abused in every way) hasn't affected her in anyway! Talk about denial! Anyways, I am very angry for the first time about all this shit that I'm going through. I have some issues because of everything that's happened to me. It's affecting how I relate to ppl, my kids, and just about everything in my life. So maybe I didn't forgive her yet! I haven't talked to her in a week, she hasn't called. I don't know if I want to talk to her. Does any1 have any advice on what to do and how to deal with this?? "
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Reply #10 - 09/03/10  10:05am
" I forgot to say...I pray for healing and recovery for everyone on here! xoxo "

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