Incest Survivors Support Group

Bravo to you for not forcing your little ones to have contact with their abuser, even if he is a sibling. So many of our parents think that we should just forgive and forget so that family life can get back to "normal", and that's just not right or possible.

As far as what to do with your oldest? I really don't know. I can understand not wanting him in the state's care, but he cannot return to your home or he will abuse his siblings again. The most important thing right now is to keep him away from children and to get him some help before it's too late. And if the state can offer that type of protection and care, that may be the way to go. I would also get your little ones into intensive therapy, if they aren't already. Good luck.

I agree with BeachBum, and I also don't like to see kids like this sent to the State.

A state institution is the worst possible choice... except for all the other choices. But sometimes it's the ONLY choice.

An alternative MIGHT be a "residential treatment center" a/k/a "Group Home" . Some locales have these as alternatives for youths who have offended but not to a level needing incarceration; the emphasis is on treatment rather than punishment.

Elvenbird

Since you recognize prioritites here, you also understand it is NOW time to get your son the help he needs. If YOU do not have the resources to pay for the care required, then he must go into the care of the state.

If you have not began the search for alternatives, from non-profits, churches, and state sanctioned programs it is time to do so, and quickly. AS you know the situation can change very quickly from bad to worse.

I wish you the best, and give you blessings of strength and fortitude in your soul, heart and mind. Bless you.

What help has the 13 year old received? I am glad that he was removed from hurting his sibilings, but obviously his issues need to be addressed. I do not know any 13 year that abusing 4 years that was not abused himself. If he is 'wearing out his welcome' I would think that means he is still into some serious acting out mode. Perhaps some sort of extensive therapy will allow him to remain with a family member and also help him to heal? I would resort to the State as a last method (while still protecting the younger siblings). Rarely is going into the State system a place of healing. Good luck and congratulations on moving into action to protect the children of your family.

My son was sexually and physically abused by a care taker when he was younger. He says he doesn't remember it now. He also has asperger's syndrome.
Honestly, I was praying for Jesus to do a miracle, up until recently realized he was deprived of the help he really needed. (I did the best I could with what I had, really.)
My dad is in another state, so they had to get his medical insurance and stuff squared away, but he's been there since June. So, the ways he is acting out are getting extreme, and tiresome to my dad's wife. That's his situation.

Hi, I hope I did not sound judgemental in anyway. We are doing the best we can coping with incredibly difficult situations. I hope you find an effective method of treatment for everyone affected. Good luck to you and your family.

You're fine. I was honestly hoping some one here had some advise.
I truly am a survivor of incest. Rickt Dale Sikes is registered w/ the TN BI (TBI) for what he did to me. My step brother and I experimented w/ each other and I can say that it was not healthy but we were the same age.
In my experience -- abuse is not OK, the abuser is removed (even though with my son I am sympathetic to him-- my other children do not have to live with an abuser)So, thank you fo the good feed back "atta boys" but I really hoped there were some real answers. Comments aren't always real answers..... bt you never know how help will come here.

Well, I can offer a little but not much. Sooo, I hope that it helps.

For the oldest child:

1). See if you can have your son checked into a psychiatric ward, today. The staff there can stabalize him on the proper medications then determine where he will go after he has been stabalized. The truth of your story should facilitate this quickly. If it does not in that particular state, Child Protective Services or take your child to the nearest Emergency Room and tell them that he cannot safely live with you or anyone in your family at this point.

Be prepared the police will be called again, etc, etc.

2). Your older son cannot return home. He probably doesn't understand the magnitude of what he has done, nor does he understand the magnitude of what was done to him. As this is the case, I would recommend placement with visitation for you only, until the hubby can join. Or vice versa until you can join.

3). Your older son will need placement in a facility that can handle children with his behavior challenges. Please prepare yourself as this may need to be a long term situation. However, if you are able to have him placed in a psych facility quickly then the Social Workers can start working on finding placement.

You may not have very many options because this will be on his record and some places are not going to be willing to take your child. Unfortunately, this is a fact that you will--I repeat you will be able to navigate through despite the pain to your soul. I am right here anytime you need to talk. This sucks. There is no way to describe your situation.

4). Any concern that you may have about your finances, I would simply discard. I would put whatever I needed on credit cards to provide for this child immediately.



Now then, the above shouldn't take more than 24 to a max of 48 hours to accomplish if that. I wouldn't think more than 16hours myself.

For the younger children at home with you.

1) Intense therapy for all of you.

2) Marriage counseling is not an option. This can turn into a nasty blame situation and destroy your marriage. Everyone has to survive.

3). Take one second at a time.

4). Apologize to your younger children. You and the hubby are the guards. An enemy got through the gates and injured them. Let them know it won't happen again and you are doing everything that you can to keep them safe.

5). Give them space to talk about what happened. Understand that it will take time for them to process and chances are there will be behaviors that you will need to carefully navigate.

Well, that's all I can think of right now. I do hope this helps.

pm me any time. I work often but, i try to respond quickly.

to anyone who read my above post. i would like you to know that i apologize if it comes across as rude or improper or impolite.

I believe that Elvenbird's older child is also a victim here. I understand that the younger ones were very wounded too. However, within my soul, i don't know that the older child has the internal understanding to comprehend more basic wrongs much less this large event.

I guess i just wanted that to be said. thanks everyone.

It has been a few days. My son wanted to be re-admitted to the psyc ward, but they wouldn't take him. They did agree to do some follow up. When he was there a few weeks ago he refused meds, and they didn't force it. Now, since he was facing being in the care of the state, he has decided to try medications, and now it is a matter of getting the HMO worked out. The school has placed him in a new therputic school that is prepared to deal w/ children with emotional problems. (I love big cities)
I hoping he is stabalized with meds soon. I should have done it sooner. But here we are. My dad's wife is trying to be patient.
I just wanted to say, that I too see my son as a victim, but I cannot let him be around my younger children at this point. Maybe if I had done more sooner we wouldn't be here, but I think I have learned my lesson. I have two other children who need help now, and this is what we are doing, and I am cool with this.

I just really hope everything works out better soon. For him, because I worry, and I need to pass some classes on top of everything else.