Impotence & Erectile Dysfunction Support Group

I can sympathyze with both of you- (you & your W). It is THE most frustrating thing for a couple to go through. Both people feel rejection for different reasons. Ok if I get too personal just PM me.... oral sex on her: How does it go? Most women cant have an orgasm with only penetration or only clitoral stimulation (unless it is a vibrator or a very determined man lol). My H will go down on me now, but its just licking. The thing is- if you want her to orgasm just from oral, you HAVE to use your fingers as well. HAVE TO. I actually have to ask my H to do this.... like does he forget? I dont know. Then I start to think... does it gross him out? I dunno.

But anyway. The G spot... have you found your wife's? If so... are you sure? Ok Im gonna give a lesson for any man who might be reading this. With the woman on her back- you lying between her legs (DO NOT try and 69 if you want her to orgasm- the more there is to concentrate on, the harder it is) start out just licking- then maybe sucking the clitoris. Get her warmed up and then insert 2 fingers PALM UP. You should make a FIRM come hither motion with your two fingers- basically pushing up towards the ceiling from inside her. Do this slowly for a few min while still paying attention to her clitoris. One or the other really doesn't get me there- hardly EVER- and I am a very sexually uninhibited woman, but PHYSICALLY it doesnt work. It has to be both motions simultaneously. After a few min then start with a faster and harder come hither motion (You may even be able to feel the g-spot- its spongy feeling) while licking in a repetitive motion. Dont try to do anything "new"- just lick up and down very quickly. If she orgasms you will feel her G-spot contract and it may be the best orgasm of her life if she has never had a g-spot orgasm before.

I can relate because this is what my H was trying to do for me when he was having major issues. He would lay between my legs forever and just lick- nothing else- and it was completely random- it needs to be repetitive. He would get frustrated and so would I b/c he would get too tired to go on- even though I was on the brink of an orgasm. It made me so angry that he would not just do what we know works! 2-3 fingers in, repeating motions of licking- intensifying come hither motion- BAM! orgasm everytime. Im not trying to write porn I swear- just making sure anyone reading this knows the secret formula lol.

Have you tried the penile injections? I think its caverject or something like that- And I am assuming you have talked to your urologist about this right? Did he give you any options you have not tried?

Also- Im sure you have, but have you had your testosterone checked? If you can get an erection- the problem being it isnt as hard as it was before- Maybe you could take something to help strengthen the nerve. My H (when we first started dating) used to do penile exercises (lol- i guess we were fiends then) he would stretch it and get it hard and keep himself erect as long as he could- when he does these regularly it adds about and inch of length and some girth as well b/c it gets much much harder than normal- you may try this- it may get you back to normal. Google penile exercises. Just trying to think of all of thie things we have tried that helped :)

Not to sound arrogant, but that is my technique. I don't just lick. I suck on the clit, I use fingers just as you describe. Mostly because I know the only way she would have an orgasm in the past was for her to be on top, grinding, and me swirling in her. She needs the multiple stimulation. She has enjoyed this technique in the past. And I could stay there and do it all night.

We tried making love last night. She pushed me away after only a minute of giving her oral sex. She let me penetrate her, but then stopped in the middle.

What she told me was that she did not feel the fire sexually for me anymore. One problem is that she misses holding a fully erect penis. But, the other problem is that she has a problem with my colostomy. Even when I use one of those belts that hides the bag and keeps it in place, she says that it still reminds her that it is there.

She says she loves me. She can't stand what she's putting me through. She wants to keep our family together. But, she says she doesn't want it to be just pitty sex. I told her that in my condition, if she weren't in the picture, about all I could expect would be pitty sex.

Well I dont know what to tell you- it seems you have done everything you can. She needs to see a therapist- I dont know how you can talk her into going. Its seems to be all her issues, not yours. I know going through cancer, or cancer in your spouse- can trigger alot of fear. It brings her mortality and the mortality of the man she loves up to the surface. She should deal with these feelings. They will only eat away at her. Im so sorry you are trying so hard and being rejected. I think sexual rejection is one of the most hurtful things that can happen in a marriage. (((HUGS)))

Jealousy -- It's an ugly emotion.

Lat night, my wife gets a call at 10:30 from a man, a firefighter she knows through my daughter's girl scout troop. The day before, I had met him. He's a big Battlestar Gallactica fan. My wife and I watch it regularly. That afternoon, he send my wife a picture where he had photoshopped her face onto one of the female cylon characters. My wife forwards it around to all her friends, and I'm thinking - wait a minute. This is not appropriate. This is flirting.

Now, I know that my wife is trying to become an EMT, and that she was talking to him about the tests she is about to take. OK. But a call at 10:30 at night? And it lasted 45 minutes. She didn't hide it. But, they weren't talking about the EMT tests. I sat there seething with anger.

When she hung up, I told her how completely inappropriate I found that. That I would never accept a phone call from a female friend that late at night. How insensitive it was to do that considering all that we have been going through in the past few days. I never felt such rage. Keeping it under control was one of the most difficult things I've ever had to do.

She accused me of making a big deal of nothing. That she had no interest in him. But then she told me that she had been IMing him, and that she asked him to call. She got angry at my anger, and cut off the argument. After a few minutes of sitting in silence, trying to collect my thoughts, I picked up the keys and told her I was going for a ride. She stopped me before I got out the door. Probably a good thing. I might have just gone out to get a Pepsi, sit by a body of water and think. But, I might have gotten so mad that I would have done something stupid.

As we talked, I asked her if she wanted a divorce. All she said was that she didn't want to do that to our children. I told her that I needed to now that I was worth fighting for, took a pillow and went down to sleep on the couch, where I buried my face and proceeded to sob (trying really hard to muffle the sounds). After a minute, she came down to get me. We went to sleep, but nothing has resolved.

I can't compartmentalize. I can't concentrate on work. I'm avoiding doing the mundane things I am supposed to do.

I have to agree with SleepinB 100%. A therapist is needed. The sooner the better.

Mark

my best advice to you is to not push her away. You have to allow her to comfort you and you have to get her talking, as hard as that can be. She is soooooooo vulnerable right now and could be on the verge of an emotional affair! This is what my h did! She needs to feel the love you have for her and you need to tell her you need it as well. Please- it is such a slippery slope. And I don't mean to worry you, but if I were you I would check the history on the computer and the phone records to make sure this hasn't been going on for longer than you think. I hope with my whole heart that you do not have to feel the pain of infidelity I know all too well. Please take charge of your marriage and make an appointment with a counselor. Give her no choice. Most insurances cover it. She us too vulnerable. Just do it. Please.(((hugs)))

Three development.

First, when we had cooler heads on the next day, we talked. She assured me that she could never think of anyone else as a life partner. She also reinforced that she thought that for her the only issue was the physical problem.

Second, I have an appointment to see a therapist tomorrow. I know my wife well enough to know that I can't push her yet. I think one of the things I need to discuss with the therapist will be strategies to convince my wife, in a non-threatening way, to come in for a talk as well. There, I think my wife has two concerns: that I would use the treatment against her to keep her away from our children (where she got that idea I have no clue), and that she'd be given happy pills.

Third, I made an appointment with my urologist. The one option I had been avoiding was the injection. After a year of radiation, surgery and chemo, I ran as far away from needles as I could (with the exception of the necessary CT scans and blood tests - I am not crazy). Mostly because I have a lifelong dread of needles. But, if this is what I need to do, I will do it.

Which leads me to a question. What are some things I should expect from the injections? Do the injections result in better, harder erections? Or should I expect more of the same?

And one more question - is there a point where I should consider the penile implant? How would things change with the implant?

By the way, as silly as I feel, I've been doing the exercises you mentioned, SleepingBeauty. I am even doing another round of the Kegel exercises.

To ease tensions, my wife and I have agreed on a sex-free break for a few weeks.

Good for you for talking! The injection I don't know a ton about, but the needle is supposed to be so tiny it's painless. Kinda like my h and his insulin needles- he doesn't even feel them.

And our instinct is to trust our spouse, but fir peace of mind I would still look at the computer history and phone records- especially with a couple weeks of no sex coming up. This could make her more vulnerable. Pay as much attention to her as you can. Maybe flowers? Maybe you guys could make it like a game or fantasy- like you are dating again. Make out in the driveway and stuff. Bc no sex DOES NOT mean no physical contact. I know u don't beleive your wife is capable of cheating. I didn't beleive my h ever would, and neither did he! He is not " that guy ". But people do stupid things when desperation and depression meet. Just be a little more vigilant.

The male sexual system is full of muscles and tendons, so it make sense that exercising can work. It took about a month for h to see a difference, but we both could tell!

I know the shot gives you an erection no matter what where pills just work if you are aroused. There are also penile suppositories instead of shots, ask your did about all of your options. Also I would ask to have your hormones tested again. Time can change them and sometimes men have too much estrogen that negates the testosterone they have, so the T test can be normal, but docs don't usually test estrogen in men, also called estrodil I think.

Two things happened today.

I had my CT scan check-up first thing in the morning. Afterward, my wife called to see if I wanted to have a later breakfast or early lunch. I dropped everything to go have a late breakfast with her. We just talked (not about our problems, but everything else). For me, I got to sit across from her, and admire how I think she is the most beautiful woman.

Second, I went to the counselor. In a nutshell, she told me that sex is but one small part of a marriage, when you think of everything else in a relationship. And that we can make choices to either accept what we have and deal with it, or not. In my case, she told me that I cannot solve my wife's problems by myself, and that I shouldn't try. Right now, I can only take things one day at a time.

I feel relief. I feel that there is someone who can validate my feelings.