What is Impotence Erectile Dysfunction
Erectile dysfunction or impotence is a sexual dysfunction characterized by the inability to develop or maintain an erection of the penis for satisfactory sexual intercourse regardl...
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I am 37. I had cancer. As a result of the surgery, I have ED. The pills work, but I do not get the same erections I used to get before the surgery.
My wife, who is 35, does not get the same satisfaction she got before my surgery. There was a time when she avoided sex. We have come to an agreement where we make love twice a week on specific nights. But, I know that at times she is just going through the motions because she loves me and wants me to be happy. For years before the surgery, I had sexual fantasies of watching her with another man. I shared them with her, and sometimes we would make love talking about my fantasies. But, we never acted on them. After I got home from the surgery, I told her that I may never get my full ability back, and that I wouldn't mind if she sought physical satisfaction with another, as long as I knew about it. Although we make love regularly, she is still frustrated. It has come to a point where she cannot sleep. She runs to wear herself down running to get herself tired enough to sleep. She also has a crush on someone. No big deal. We have both had crushes in the past, and we've always been open in sharing them with each other. Sometimes, during lovemaking, we would fantasize about her and this other man having sex. I have to admit, it gets me excited. She recently expressed how strong her desire to have sex with this man is. Knowing my situation, and that I cannot give her the full physical satisfaction she needs, I told her I would be OK with it, as long as it was just sex. We openly fantasized about it, and had an incredible (on my end) lovemaking session. But, after that session, I have begun to feel guilty and insecure. My biggest fear is losing her emotionally. I thought I could handle a purely physical relationship on her part, but I wonder if I am kidding myself. Posted on 01/23/09, 09:01 am |
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Oh my.. That's a tough one! It's understandable that you want your wife to be happy and satisfied, what man doesn't.
How did your wife react when you told her to go ahead, besides sharing a night of good sex with you? I only ask because I'm wondering how serious she is about being with this other man. Remember, you can't un-ring a bell. Good Luck 
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There are many different ways to fully satisfy a female partner, sexually. Just google female orgasm, or how to help a woman reach orgasm, or even how a woman can masturbate. One such site is this one.
http://www.netdoctor.co.uk/menshea... You both may enjoy using toys to help her along. That may not sound attractive at first, but after making sex toys for a few hundred years, manufacturers have gotten pretty good at it.
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We use sex toys. I can even still bring her to orgasm. What she tells me is that she can't connect with a piece of rubber, and that the orgasms aren't as powerful as they were.
I had a realization last night. One of the root problems is that ever since my surgery, I've have had a lower self-image. I've felt that if my marriage ever broke-up, that there would be no woman out there who would take me. So, I became desperate to maintain my relationship with my wife, and insecure. We had a heart to heart last night, and I told her that if I let this happen, it would just show that I was so desperate I would let her walk all over me, and there would be nothing I could do about it. She agreed with me, but of course spen the night sleepless and greatly disappointed.
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You HAVE to tell her how you feel! This could ruin your marriage. Talk about EVERYTHING beforehand if you decide to do it. I would not. Have you tried a cockring? Not to be crass, but it helps to keep the blood from flowing out of your erection and keeps it harder. I would exhaust every option before even thinking about another man. Good luck
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This could also be somewhat mental if you are seriously insecure about it. Have you tried a sex therapist?
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I've been using a pump. The problem, I think,was that I was using a ring that was too big. I tried a smaller one, and it worked better. It was definitely longer and harder. Will keep trying.
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It's been a month, and things have gotten worse. I love to give her oral sex - but she is self-conscious about her vagina, and doesn't like to do it. We've tried sex toys - she can't abide by the idea of using a sex toy. We've tried going away for a weekend. It was a nice relaxing weekend, but it didn't solve any long-term problems.
The issue now - she has come to view sex with me a chore and just doesn't want to do it. She has even encouraged me to find another outlet (in fact, she's picking out women she thinks I should have an affair with). The big problem - we have three small children, and I cannot abide by the thought of not seeing them everyday. Financially, divorce is not an option - we couldn't sell the house (with the drop in real estate values, we owe more than the house is worth), and we can't maintain two residences. We can't go off an have affairs - that would change the dynamic of our marriage to the point where I don't think it would recover. She won't go with me to see a counselor - she say she knows the problem, she is angry and focusing the anger on the wrong person. If you take away our issue with sex, she is the most kind, supportive person I know. I love her dearly. And I've told her my problem is that I still lust for her. I've just run out of options, and I don't know what to do next.
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BrownBear, I've read your posts from the beginning, and I don't know quite what to make of your situation, to be very honest.
I don't understand why your wife refuses to go to counseling or a therapist with you, if she is really this upset by the lack of sex as it was before your surgery. I can't help but wonder if she would be having these feelings (for another man) even if you didn't have ED problems. I know this isn't what you want to hear, but it seems your wife is very bothered and miserable, as you have related. Yet is unwilling to go the extra step to make it better. Do I understand correctly? This is just my opinion and ment to be at least a little helpful. Mark
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you are going through depression. I did. It took a while to get through it. A therapist might help. I had radical prosectimy. My wife said she loves me anyway. I felt that was bs. We used the pump for the first year or so. Still use it now and then just to keep in shape. Now we use viagra. A vibrator is a wonderful thing. We have a 20 plus year old Otis brand. After foreplay, and I am erect (never can tell for how long) she holds me in her mouth and vibrates until she begins orgasm. Then I enter and bring her to her peak. It works most times. Timing is critical. Regarding a surragate lover. I was once in that position before I married. The man invited me to join he and his wife. Many times it was just his wife and I. That arrangement went on for nearly a year. They seemed happy with it. But about 10 years later I ran into the woman and she said that they had divorced. iperseme
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In my wife's defense (and this is going to sound like a strange defense), in the 15 years that I have known her, she has never trusted mental health professionals. She thinks of them as quacks, and fears that all they would do is prescribe her happy pills.
I honestly believe that she would not be having these issues if I didn't have my physical problems. She is also an extremely stubborn person. She says that every time we have sex and she doesn't have an orgasm, she grows so resentful, that she would rather just not do it instead of letting me try another technique. And I waiver, between absolutely despising her one minute, and thinking that I can't bear life without her the next.
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