Impotence & Erectile Dysfunction Support Group

Needing,
I am so sorry you are having to go through this. It is hard. I can't imagine 2 1/2 years. I'm coming up on 7 months and am sure I am going to be certifiably crazy soon. As far as your questions, all the fact that you don't think you can stay in a relationship with no physical contact is that you are human. We all have needs and no one individuals needs are more important than another person. Have you told your husband that you need his touch even if it is not leading to a sexual encounter? I don't know what kind of issues he has. Has he told you what the issue is at all? Many men will not want to admit to themselves or their wives if they are having ed problems. You said that he says he has desires. Do you think he is telling you the truth when he says that? If a man has low testosterone, he looses his desire to have sex and can have ed problems with it. I would ask him what his issue is exactly and tell him that you love him and want to try to work through things, but you deserve to know what the problem is exactly. Tell him that this situation is effecting you too. Let him know that you have desire for him because you love him. See if he will open up to you at all. If you think he won't get upset by it and he won't tell you anything, tell him that you are wondering if he could be having some ed problems. Let him know that if he does it can be a sign of another physical problem such as diabetes, heart trouble, thyroid trouble, or low testosterone. Any of these things can usually be taken care of with different types of treatments. I understand your impatience to see a change. My husband just began having low testosterone issues about almost a year ago. It has only made a horrible situation worse. Do whatever you can to try to get him to tell you what the problem is.

Hi Needing, I agree with LonelyLady; you are only human, and the fact that you recognize your potential inability to deal with a non-physical marriage shows that you are an introspective, toughtful and mature person. Don't let guilt swarm you. Recognizing your own limits is not cowardice, it's common sense and honesty towards yourself AND your partner. There are situations in which it's ok to give up.

At this point, you might be unable to know for sure if you are able or not to stay in a relationship with no physical contact. Once you do know it, I urge you to tell your husband, even at the cost of hurting him deeply and facing a horrible time. You won't regret being honest with him. It is only fair to give him a chance to react before you actually leave him, if applicable. Time to talk might be now, or to come soon; that, you know better than anyone else.

It seems as though your husband has tried, and is still trying to overcome his ED. In many aspects, I'm in the same boat as you are - except my husband refuses to seek psychotherapy. What I've chosen to do has helped me to some extent. I'll share it with you, even though I'm aware that, because of my very limited knowledge about your situation, what I suggest may be totally inappropriate.

I have found it easier to give up hoping on sexuality in my marriage than to hope and get nothing. Instead of hoping for an improvement, I have come to realize that I have to go through a mourning process regarding us as lovers. We have lost that aspect of our relationship. I am suffering deeply, just as I will when my parents will die. I am now trying to live without love making. It's not easy, it may even be a bad idea, but so far, it's worked better than to expect good things and be upset every night. Society puts a lot of pressure on us to be sexual. It's not the case in every culture, and has not always been the case through history. There might be ways for a couple to be happy without sex. There may not. Only time will tell.

At the risk of reapeating myself, please don't take my advice if it does not suit you. I have no intention of hurting you, and I'm certainly hoping I haven't.

I am very sorry that you are going through such a bad stretch, and I wish you the best of luck.

I agree with the others here. It is all about communication. You need to tell him your thoughts and desires and get him to tell you his. Explain to him if he does not want to open up then you will have to take other messures and tell him what they are. Trust me you are much to young to have to live without having you needs met. Life is just to short and if your husband doesn't agree then there is probably much more that you do not agree on.

Always try your hardest to communitcate with your spouse. However is you can't communicate then you will have lots of other problems also.

You must do what is best for you.

Good luck and let us know if you need anyone to talk to and keep us posted. Most if not all here really do care.

Good luck.

This is just a thought. Sounds like if this is not resolved, you are eventually going to need to start looking for a new man in your life. That new guy will be easier to find if you are in great physical shape. So, today I would start going to the gym and get myself to a body mass index of about 20. That is the number at which nearly all men find a woman attractive. First, you may also notice you husband is more interested in you, and second, it will make it easier for you to attract a new partner. The plus is you will be healthy and feel much better about your self in the process. The hard fact of life is that men fall in love (and lust) through there eyes.

thanks everyone. i feel so good knowing i can put my thoughts out there and a connection is made. regarding testosterone,my husband swares it is psychological, not physical. should i ask him to get tested anyhow? also, we have somany issues in our marriage at this point that he uses the poor state of our marriage as a reason for his not feeling comfortable talking about sex or opening up to me to be hurt or humiliated. he also uses it as a reason to not want to be intimate. BUT, a few years ago, he went though a spell where he was very nasty to me, putting me down, taking all his anger out on me in an emotionally abusive way and we did couples therapy/marriage counseling and later he said that he was pushing me away so i wouldn't want to have sex or be intimate with him... so it's like i can't win either way.
and the weight loss suggested is not an issue. I see where feeling good and looking good is beneficial, but the problem is not about attraction or attractiveness - if it were, it'd be so easy to handle.

Wow- sound alot like my honey. Please get him tested and get im tested for diabetes for good measure. The mood swings, the lack of desire... yes my H said he had desire, but was just tired, and it was all psychological. Come to find out he is diabetic AND his testosterone was VERY low. Also it is sad he uses the issues in your marriage to excuse talking about sex- b/c a healthy sex life can help with rebuilding or solving marital problems- its all about a loving connection between you and your partner. This can bring you closer together and can help with communication in the other areas of your life.

If he doesnt want to get it tested you might mention that low T can cause SERIOUS side effects if left untreated. Heart problems, other organs are affected, tiredness all the time, apathy (soooo annoying the "i dont care's", mood swings, etc. It may not be his problem, but why not rule it out before you go another 2 years unhappy when all he might have to do to fix it is apply a cream!!!!

Good luck, I know how much it hurts.

" This is just a thought. Sounds like if this is not resolved, you are eventually going to need to start looking for a new man in your life. That new guy will be easier to find if you are in great physical shape. So, today I would start going to the gym and get myself to a body mass index of about 20. That is the number at which nearly all men find a woman attractive. First, you may also notice you husband is more interested in you, and second, it will make it easier for you to attract a new partner. The plus is you will be healthy and feel much better about your self in the process. The hard fact of life is that men fall in love (and lust) through there eyes. "


Seriously? Wow... that is the crappiest thing to say to this woman. She is on here looking for help and advice for her husbands issues and you suggest she get looking hot to solve HIS problems. And telling her what her BMI should be for men to find her attractive!!! Lol- this is his issue not hers and looks fade into flabby skin and wrinkles and walkers- we all make our wedding vows knowing this- for better or for worse. If my H ever tells me to lose weight to solve HIS problems... he best get away from me when I have a frying pan in my hand!