Heroin Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Welcome
Terrible and to common. I think that he is not going to be where to start. Your daughter should get support ASAP so she can get stronger and make some decisions and have people there to help her while it happens and after.

As far as your part. Sometimes we have to distance ourselves from people that are not willing to help themselves. No one is going to get him to stop unless he is ready, for long anyway. There may be promises after promises but it will always end up bad and get worse.

If it were me I would talk to my daughter tell her as long as he is using , and not in recovery your home is off limits to him. And I would not go to hers while he is there. You do have the right to boundaries and not to condone illegal life choices.

Just noticed you said 'Grand daughter" Omy. This is not good. My brother while living with me when my son was small started using again and I told him he had to take a drug test at my will to stay, well he left. When it comes to kids zero tolerance nothing more.

Alcohol although a horrible addiction is legal, but heroin is not. She can get into a lot of trouble with this guy in her life.

Tinker thanks for your reply! I was told by the Emergancy Techs who responded that day that doing the herione is not illegal and they could not put him in jail for it. I was SHOCKED to say the least!

Spoke with my daughter when I got home and she wanted me to come down right away...I guess to get it over with... I told her to call me AFTER they have their dinner because I wanted to give us the time to chat with out him and her running around and fixing dinner. The top deserves the time to sit and give it the serious time it deserves. She wasn't happy with that but she gave in. I can only imagine the conversation the 2 of them are having right now.

My heart is heavy and I am very sad and depressed. I want to be here for my daughter and I am affraid of loosing contact with my Grand Daughter...

I have many of my friends praying for me...And I pray that God gives me the grace and the words to perhaps impact the 2 of them and to keep our lines of communication open.

Thank you for you kind and wise words they have helped me!

Your very welcome, yes in some states under the influence is not illegal. They try to offer help but most people are loaded again within hours, and it is sad so I know your heart, lost family not long ago.

Please keep an eye on it, know you are powerless over him, and unfortunately your daughter also if she chooses to stick with him. But when it comes to kids she needs to know even if she is not using she is responsible and legally culpable for drugs in the house or his actions around the child under the influence God forbid he did anything to hurt her.

Hopefully your daughter will not punish you or your grandchild because of his bad behavior.

Please keep us updated.

Well I went down to their house...and said my piece...let them both know that I pray for his recovery but 3 NA meetings do not a recovery make. I need to see more...and hope that he can keep clean and turn his life around. I asked him if he thought that 1 meeting a week was going to be all that he needed and he said yes.

He said that he may be going back to work in the next couple of weeks and that he would then have insurance and he could seek some help with his mental issues...

I told them I thought they both need to seek couples counciling or go to an NA meeting together... my daughter had a problem with this and says that SHE is not ready...

While I was there his father called and he came to pick him up and he left my daughter and I and the baby ...poof...he had to go help his father with something... Naturally I think this is ODD to say the least... But my daughter says this kind of thing happens all the time. This is where I look at her, tell her that I love her and then BITE MY TONGUE! She says if it does not work out that she is not going to take it anymore...

The up turn of all this is that I got to spend some time with my sweet grand daughter and I always love that!

I also offered that Sunday after Mass to have them here for luncheon...each week giving them some good food and fun time for the Baby...I hope that they will take me up on this...it will give me a chance to "read" him on my own...and also some time with my Grand Daughter.

My heart is still heavy...as I wait fo the next shoe to drop...

I am glad you took care of this and did not put it off. More will be revealed. She still needs a little more pain unfortunately, but lets hope for the positive although it just does not disapear. You did good, and keep up the positive reinforcement, sometimes setting an example is the best teacher.

Please don't forget us.

Hugs Tink

Tink thanks for the kind words and the HUG! I need both! I will be checking back in for sure. I'm glad that I found this site. Its helpful to read the other posts and gain insights.

Thanks again!

As a mother who has gone through this (w/my son) for about ten years I can honestly tell you that I'm afraid you haven't seen the worst of this yet. Your daughter has been going through a hell she hasn't even told you about. Her husband is going to have to hit "bottom" big time! The fact that his father is a user also tells me that your son-in-law doesn't see the problem yet. His old man is condoning this for Pete's sake! His old man is his drug buddy...that's quite a bond! You are being viewed, right now, by them, as the prudish, uncool, Christian mom who needs to stay out of his business. (I'm not trying to sound mean...I'm just being honest...sorry if this sounds bad.) Until your son-in-law decides...on his own...that he sick of the life he is leading, things will probably just get worse.
Here's some food for thought.....some things you need to tell your daughter.
1.If DCFS finds out that someone (especially a parent) is using Heroin in the house where children reside, they can & will remove them because not only of the apparant danger but because your daughter cannot control the situation. They will NOT feel sorry for her. They will look down on her as a bad mother!
2. If he hasn't started stealing yet...he WILL! He will steal from you...no doubt about it...he will find a way!
3. His dealer is not a nice person who understands boundries. He WILL come over to your daughter's house and look for her husband....threaten her & the kids....if your son-in-law owes him money, which at some point he will.
4. Your friends can be supportive but unless they have a child for an addict, they won't really understand what you are going through and at some point will stop trying to console you if you don't get him out of your & your daughter's lives.
5.If he doesn't get into rehab he WILL either die, or end up jail. Jail might be the best thing for him. At least your daughter & grandkids will be safe, and maybe...just maybe...he will get clean and into a program in there.
6. His life needs to suck more than he can stand...no money...no friends...no where to live...no contact with any family...he has to hate what he has become..more than you could ever hate him..before he will want to get clean.
7. He is NOT going to listen to anything you say...all of your speeches and kind words will fall on deaf ears. You cannot reason with him. Its like trying to argue with a drunk! Don't even bother! You are not dealing with him anymore...he's not there. You are dealing with pure evil..Heroin...it has taken him over...he's still in there...but the heroin is doing all the talking & acting out right now.
8. Unless he goes to church..on his own, alone to seek out God for himself, pushing him there is not doing any good. He must seek out God's help on his own.
I struggled with this problem for years. It was the hardest thing I ever did to kick my son out of my home & life. I gave him 2 phone numbers for free rehabs and dropped him off by the train to downtown and told him he wasn't welcome at home anymore. he could either continue on has he had been...or get his life together. I'm happy to say, that he chose to get clean. But only because he had tried..half heartedly...many, many times before. he stole from me, wrote checks out of my checking account, stole from friends, almost got shot by his dealer before he had had enough!
I'm so sorry you are going through this. It can steal your sanity and your life if it doesn't stop. He is not your problem, nor your daughter's, at this point. He is his own problem...only he can heal himself. God will watch over you and your daughter & grandkids, of that I am sure. But neither of you can enable him anymore.
I wish you all the best and lots of strength for what you & your daughter are going to have to do....you may have to turn him in....I know that sounds harsh but it might come to that.
Please go to my profile page and read my journal entry "Aftermath of A Drug Addict"...maybe have yur daughter read it too. You poor thing, I know how hard this is on you. There are many wondeful people on this site who I know will help you in the weeks to come. Please keep in touch and feel free to get in touch with me if you need a shoulder to cry on.
Yours,
Sami51

Sami thanks for your wise words and kindness! I have copied your reply and journal entry and shared them with my daughter via an email. I have also copied your journal entry and shared it too with her husband.

Your words speak both to my heart and head...Thank you for sharing, it helped!

Good Morning!

Wanted to check back in...

Sunday I had My daughter, my grand daughter and her husband in for brunch after church... It was an uneasy time and not even 45 minutes later there was a reason for him to leave.. I still do not trust him. But for whatever reason my daughter is choosing to "believe" him. I am not harping or nagging but just "being there" for her and the grand daughter.

Last night we had "girl time" and I so cherish those moments! This weekend she is traveling to visit her father (my ex husband) and his wife...I am very happy that she and the baby are driving there alone and am sure it will be a great visit for all of them. I hope that she gets some insights while there and away from him....

I continue to pray...for his recovery, for peace for my daughter and for my grand daughter to have parents that are well.

Thanks Everyone!

You have gotten excellent advise from both Tinker and Sami. Sami has absolutely hit the nail on the head with the excellent outlined post. I can tell you that your son-in-law is far from done using, going to one meeting a week is never going to cut it. If his father is an active addict that makes it worse. When I first went into the program, I was told over and over - 90 meetings in 90 days, at first I thought - yea right - are they crazy - I'll do 1 or 2 meetings a week - I can handle it - but I soon learned that the more meetings I went to, along with working the 12 step program, getting a sponsor, being honest and sincere about getting and staying clean was the only way. At this point, there is no reason to trust your son-in-law, no should you. You need to take care of you first. I would suggest going to alanon or naraconon meetings. Perhaps you and your daughter could go together. An addict is an addict, and until they hit bottom or get sick and tired of being sick and tired, there is absolutely nothing you can do to help them. All the talking and begging is a waste of time and effort and all the addict hears is blah, blah, blah, blah - like Sami said " it falls on deaf ears", the more you talk and try to reason and get through to them, the more it wears on you physically, emotionally and mentally. The kindest thing anyone can do for an active addict is to let them hit bottom - stop enabling and helping them, and throw them out - as difficult or impossible a feat this may seem, it is the best thing you can do. An addict will only seek help for their addiction when they do it themselves and for themselves - not because it is what everyone wants them to do. Stay strong and keep the faith.