Heroin Addiction & Recovery Support Group

Cherrie1 - Welcome - you have come to a good place, the people on DS are caring and kind, and we are/have been through what you are going through with your son, or are a recovering addict. You will receive good help, advise and insight,.

First you have to stop enabling your son. Unfortunately, he has to hit rock bottom, before he will get help. Stop bailing him out of jail, paying his bills and supporting him. Your husband is right - you will be homeless if you continue to pay. He needs to face the consequences - no parent wants to see their child go to jail or prison. Your son is never going to be in "the clear" as long as you continue to enable him - he can't afford a lawyer, the court will appoint one for him. He's being asked to leave the rehab, so the bond money you posted for him so he could go into rehab would have been better spent standing on a busy road throwing the money in the air. There are rehab and sober living facilities that take people who don't have insurance. Addicts get in trouble and arrested when they steal to pay for their habit. All addicts were good people before they began using - they are still good people, but the drugs have taken all the good away. Until your son admits he is an addict, and seeks help, there is nothing in the world that you or your husband can do for him - or I should say - there is something you and your husband can do - stop enabling, paying, bailing him out, and supporting him. As harsh as this sounds it is the only way to help him and help you. No parent wants their child to be homeless, not knowing if they are dead or alive, safe, cold - I've been through it with my son, who is now 24, and through the grace of god, has been in recovery for heroin addiction for 2 years now - but for 6+ years I went to hell and back, finally taking the advice I was given to let go and let god, stop enabling, and let him hit bottom on his own. Jail and/or prison might be the best thing for him, as rehab and possibly other things that you have done and helped him with hasn't worked, and I can almost bet the farm, if the judge allows him to go into rehab and then a sober living facility instead of sentensing him to jail, your son will be asked to leave that rehab.

Take care of yourself and get into alanon meetings, or a support group for parents of addicts. Also join Parents of Addicts Group here on DS.

Thanks bccolliesmom for your advise and I know you are right but my heart keeps telling me not to give up. I don't know how to cut him off. I do agree that jail would be the best thing for him but we hired the lawyer before this latest relapse. How do you go on living when you know he has no where to go. Do that make him more hopeless and want to use even more? I guess that is my fear. But I know that what we have done has not helped. I know what I need to do I just don't know how I can.

I've lived with that fear. Will it make him more hopeless? Will it make him want to use more? I've found the answer to be "no". I had to get DCFS involved a couple of months ago because my son & his GF had been living with me, with their baby, and wouldn't quit using. I tried for years to get them to quit. I finally came to the realization that it was getting more & more dangerous for my Grandson & something had to be done. DCFS kicked them out of my home. That is, they had to leave so that I could keep the baby, OR they could stay (which I wouldn't allow) & the baby would have to go into foster care in a stranger's home. At least they were selfless enough to say, "No, we'll go. We don't want the baby to go to strangers." I worried about where my son would go, where would he sleep at night? what would he eat? He doesn't even have a car to sleep in. Someone on this board said that drug addicts are some of the most resourceful people on Earth, and they're absolutely right. My son has a place to stay, and so does his GF. They're obviously eating because I saw them Monday & they both look healthier now than they did 7 weeks ago. I know they're both still using; probably less than when they lived at my house and things were quite convenient and easy for them. Is your husband the bio father of your son? I also can completely relate to how difficult it is when someone else is telling you what you should do - kick him out, cut him off, turn your back, etc., - when you're not ready yet. The sooner you can get to that point, though, the sooner your son will be forced to hit his rock bottom and start climbing his OWN WAY OUT of the pit he's gotten himself into. When we keep rescuing them, we are holding them back from getting well. If you never put an infant down on the floor because you want to carry him on your hip constantly, he will never learn to crawl or walk. It's really the same thing. I hope you find the strength and courage soon. Believe me when I say, I DO KNOW EXACTLY how difficult it is to make the decision. I've made it with my son and now I'm terrified that I'll be having to make the same horrible decision with my daughter, who is my "baby". It's so unfair & none of us should ever be put in this position. We have to just do it, even though it hurts and makes us feel like we're going to lose our minds with worry. For me, I have to trust God to watch over my son & remember that He loves him even more than I do.

Thanks GMaWilli,

I know what you say is true but I guess my biggest fear is he is awaiting sentencing for stealing in CA and the laws are very tough is he screws up at all he could end up in State prison instead of county jail and he does not belong in state prison. I fear if I don't at least help to keep a roof over his head until the court is settled he will give up and steal again and be in more trouble. I am having a hard time letting go I know. My husband is my sons father and he feels like he has worked his whole life and we have nothing and all we have done hasn't helped. I do understand his feelings but I think it is easier for him to let go than it is for me.

I'm just afraid you are prolonging the inevitable. He is self-destructive & you aren't going to be able to stop him. I really don't think you should lose your husband in an effort, that most likely is going to blow up in your face eventually, to save your son, who won't save himself. I think you are enabling him. Sorry.....I do understand your broken heart, but I just think you're risking your marriage to prolong an inevitably bad turn out anyway.

I agree with everything you've been told so far. It is the most horrific decision a mother can make...to let go of her addicted child and let them lead themselves to sobriety.....but you have to do it! It will only continue on and on and on. I had enabled my son for years and the monute I stopped he got help and has been sober for 4 months now. He says that chapter of his life is over and now knows he has to continue on rebuilding it alone. I will not help because it doesn't help at all! They have to do it on their own.
I had to put my beloved dog down a few days ago. It was terrible but I had to do it. To keep her alive for my sake just wasn't fair....she wasn't really living anymore, ya know? When I kicked my son out it was the same thing. None of us were really living anymore. I knew he had only two places to go...the street or to rehab. I had to flip that coin because enough was enough. I was almost insane from it all...the lies, the stealing, the shame..all of it. Once he saw I was DONE...so was he! He found a detox and then a rehab center and went in. When he got out I let him know he couldn't come back home...because I knew it would start all over again, eventually. It was a terrible decision to have to make....gut wrenching...but I did it and now I'm so glad i did. I'm starting to get my son back...I talk to him and he sounds better than he has in 10 years. But he has to do this on his own. So does your son. Maybe prison would be better for him than an overdose....or being killed by some other addicts or dealers, right? That is the truth of it....staying an addict he will end up dead..no question about it. So he has to come to terms with this on his own. I'm sorry to be so blunt but I have to be. Please take of yourself and what family and sanity you have left. Don't enable him anymore. Help him by letting him go.

He is 24. Old enough to know right from wrong. The longer you hold his hand the longer he will continue what he is doing. No need to really try because mom will bail me out. Nothing you can do will make him want to quit. Maybe jail will give him the wake up he needs. Stop trying to fix him. It is not your fault and you cannot change him. When he is sick and tired of being sick and tired hopefully he will bend and ask for help. All bottoms can be dug deeper. Ask G-d to help him. I know you care but you are up against a very evil deceiver. I will say a prayer for you and your family.
Shawn