What is Heroin Addiction
Heroin or diacetylmorphine (INN) is a semi-synthetic opioid. It is the 3,6-diacetyl derivative of morphine (hence diacetylmorphine) and is synthesised from it by acetylation. The w...
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Hi, My story is long and so much like all that i have read. I have been with my bf for 6 months, I knew from the beginning he was a recovering , heroin addict, not knowing much about this disease I thought how bad could it be, i can help...those words continue to haunt me. After 3 months, i began to suspect that he was using, no concrete proof, but my gut has always told me a lot. Then soon after my supicions started, he picked me up one day, wearing an elbow ace bandage thing, ya, i know..He denied my concerns saying, hes got carpel tunnel in his elbow. I promise im not as stupid as i sound but i wanted to believe him. Shortly after that, signs of using became more apparent, i left him after that, but soon again, sat to talk to him about it. At this point he admitted what i was dreading he had still be using for 3 mos everyday, so he never was in fact "sober" just playing the sober role. He broke down and i wanted to help him, so i stuck around. Lets just say since then i have found many more signs and we have broken up numerous times. but he always had good excuses to cover his tracks, i wanted so badly to believe him, i love him and thought my love would save him. These scenarios contiued to repeat themself and i continued to believe his lies, deep down i knew, just didnt want to, i realize that now. He finally truly hit bottom, jail twice in a 24hr period, ex wife taking his kids away, and me ready to walk. He came out of jail, said he was going into a inpatient program, i was so proud of him and kept holding on to the hope! 2 weeks ago he came home from work, and when i emptied his lunch bag, i found a cut straw and a empty baggie of heroin. Claimed it was his co-worker and he got me again, i know how stupid i sound, love is truly blind. A week went by he seemed great. Then it happened again, i found an empty piece of balloon, and a receipt for aluminum foil, only that. I finally told myself thats it, he tried to talk his way out of this one, saying someone is setting him up. We were fighting cuz i knew this was it, he left to "confront the person who is setting him up" i talked him out of it, but he went to rite aide, he was gone for an hour. When he got back, he sat down to talk to me and started the convo telling me he just took a handful of vicodin, ambien and somas. Saying he just needs to calm down, then it happened i watched his eyes roll back and his lids look very heavy, is that nodding off? It was scary he said it was from the pills he just took. Trust me on this, i didnt fall for it this time. I was just waiting till the morning to split with him after he left, i was scared of him, he rages out badly. he then proceeded to spend the next 3 hours working on his digital date book, never seen him like that, he looked like he was tweaking, would heroin make u like that? I looked at his phone and there it was, a text a week before, to his dealer saying he has 200 dollars.
Ok, im done this time. The next day i told him i was done and i cant live like this anymore, the daily struggle alone to trust him was killing me. he told me im crazy and he cant continue to explain himself when hes sober and i dont believe him. what is it, that makes him so good at turning everything around and make me question myself? After telling him, im truly done that i love him but i love me more. All he kept saying to me, is dont let his kids down, i better go to halloween with them, i thought what? He became very angry, saying no matter what he has done to me, that i cant hurt his kids. Am i crazy but if i walk away, i walk away? why would he do this. Then he told me that his ex wife wants to hurt me, kick my ass, if i hurt their kids. Seriously is this real, please tell me am i crazy? His ex wife told me she never said that. I said im sorry but i have to seperate myself completley from her family. Meanwhile im hysterical and hurting so bad. he continued to hit below the belt with things i told him in confidence. Im sorry for all of this, im scared and im looking for any advice, anything to shed light on whats happening to him, and help me to find the tools to say strong this time, I have to! This last time was the worst it has gotten. Any advice or support i would really appreciate it. I know im not a stupid woman, but my heart is bigger than my head and try to hard believe in people. Im truly scared of myself. I have to stay strong. Thanks in advance for any words of advice. This isnt over and i need strength to deal with this. Im not sure what hes capable of at this point. I NEED TO STAY STRONG!! Im hurting so much. Thanks for letting me get that out! Posted on 10/23/09, 12:10 am |
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First of all, let me say how sorry I am for all you are going through. I have been there too, and agree with everything the kind people on this site have advised you of so far. Bcollie'smom has been on both sides of addiction, so she knows what she's talking about. I would like to add some support & advice from a little bit different angle...hope you don't mind..but this needs to be said...I mean this with kindness.
You really need to look at yourself & why you are enabling him. Why do you think this all you deserve? Pretend you are watching a movie...you see what the addict is doing...lieing, stealing, manipulating everyone, going to terrible places with terrible people who all would cheat each other if given the chance, you see him shooting the dope & nodding off...his life, meaningless & wasted...how selfish & mean he is. Now you see his girlfriend...crying, desperate, insecure, weak, vunerable, running from one person to the next asking for advice but not listening to it...continuing to let this jerk back into her life time after time....How do you think this movie is going to end? There is no "happy ending" if you stay with an addict. What would you tell this girl? That she can't do any better than an addict...this is all she deserves? A dirty, greasy, lieing SOB who will use her for all she's got? Is this what she deserves? I hope you don't think that she is going to change him...she's NOT! NO ONE changes the addict but the addict!!!! Here' how I see this movie ending..one of two ways. 1. Things continue as they have been...he dies or goes to jail...she has nothing left..no $, no friends, no dignity, nothing but a broken heart and she probably looks about 10 years older than she should. She thinks its her fault and continues on to one bad relationship after the other for the rest of her life...because she didn't get the help she needed in the beginning. 2. She gets up and goes to an Alanon meeting, she unplugs her phone, takes a few days to get her thinking straight. She tells her BF that she is done with him. She does not see him anymore, unless he has been clean & sober for 2 years or more. She gets the couseling she needs to feel better about herself..gets her confidence back...gets strong. She ultimately comes to realize that she is worth more than an addict for a BF, does something usefull & rewarding with her life, has good relationships with people, maybe falls in "real love" and has a decent life. Which ending do you like better? It's up to you...just like its up to him. YOU decide how your life goes...NOT someone else! You need to STOP obsessing with him & start getting yourself TOGETHER! I hope you understand I only say this to you because I've been there myself...I know what you are feeling & going through...but only you can fix your life. Take care, dear. 
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Oh wow, have I been there. I could re-tell my story but it is almost exact to yours. Yes, heroin addicts are all the same, it's probably the only thing where I would classify people really acting the same way. It becomes so easy to tell if they are using, after you get over the fear. I was in a similar situation when I was living in NYC, now in LA (are you too?) I knew my BF was a ex junkie and I myself, had been using heroin in college. I quit the day I presented my thesis. DONE. He had been "partying" with me while visiting, and promised me it was not something he was doing on a daily basis. he lived in NYC and I Was in college for about 6 months before I graduated.. So, I had been addicted for about 1 yr but never shot, or would ever shoot anything, I was using before I even met him, then met him and KNEW he was an ex-addict but felt it was ok- STUPID!!. After graduation I came home to NYC and moved in with him. No drama, until one night he goes out with a friend of mine, and they end up using together. My friend was the one who told me. I confronted my bf the next day as it was the day we were supposed to find our own apt (we were subletting) Well point is, as this could get very long.. Ok we move in together, then I get a raise so we move again. All the while, he is using (full on about a year and half into our relationship which ended less than 4 months before I really left him) He claimed he had quit. and I really believed he was clean, I thought I would know of any signs, as I had used, but nope!. THEN one night a dealer comes by to drop off other drugs for a friends bday. I find a bag of H on our bed, I take it from him and tell him I won't stay with him if he is using. We go out, ALL of my friends say to me- You didn't know??!! How could THEY know and not me?AND WHY DID THEY NOT TEL ME?? They all really thought I just knew and was dealing with it..crazy.. LOVE IS BLIND and ADDICTS ARE AMAZING LIARS! It's actually more the latter I think, as I know what a junkie is.. my love for him kept dwindling because he was so strung out but, I couldn't see that part in him, I just knew it was going bad, the relationship itself, but wasn't sure why. Once it finally came out, he did the same thing, detox 3 times, then moved upstate to live with his grandma, then back to NYC etc. I got robbed twice (he was apparently in detox) the first was clearly someone who knew the deal- took my gold ring, and $100 I had hidden... second was a crazy awful robbery where they broke everything and trashed the place. None of it made any sense to me. His dealers? What did they want? they knew he was away and tried to get shit from me. Finally I couldn't do it anymore, and i called on his friends. Mine too but really his 3 best guys. They came to the rescue and moved me out and left him there with nothing. His mom had to send me checks to pay rent and to buy him food. It was awful, as I was caring for this person who stomped all over my life. You MUST get away from him, FOREVER. He will continue to haunt you (as I made ammends with my BF and went to a wedding with him a few wks ago- which turned into a nightmare) Really he will never understand your anger or fear or anything you felt or feel. You need to leave him, and leave him in whatever way he is at THIS MOMENT! I mean it,. get away from him until he hurts you or steals from you ( my bf took all my books and cds too- everything that could possibly be sold) He will do the same. He is just lying and lying to you over and over.. So get out while you can and DO NOT LOOK BACK. EVER.. good luck sweetheart, you can do this! I did, you can and so many other women do too. All the best.
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Hi, Thanks very much for sharing your story with me! It is something the way loved ones all sound the same when describing the addict ih their life. Yes, I do live in La..SFV. So, i havent posted in awhile, and im sure the thought was I broke. Nope, but I am still breaking inside and recent developments have, i hope, smacked my ex somewhat. First, let me say that I have not talked or seen him since my first post. I do however, think about him everyday, and cry still asking, why or how could he have done this to himself, to his kids, to me. I guess, addicts really dont know how to love anything or anyone but the drug. I have gotten messages from him, bout once a week, only there is no messahe, i only here him talking to someone else, moving around, basically his "pocket" is dialing me. I dont think thats the case, it must be a reach out of some sort.
Ok on to do the RECENT DEVELOPMENTS, Received a call (he calls and texts me a lot) from his ex wifes brother, simply sayong, "GUESS WHO IS IN JAIL?" If u have read all of my post's, u will see that my ex, has been in jail 3 times in the last month and 1/2 for posession, but claims "Someones setting him up' the lying blows my mind!!! Also earlier on i shared that it was not only heroin, but a disgusting friend that he lied about hanging around. This "friend" is heroin to me and his family. Ok, so i asked, if this friend was with him and what he got arrested for. He told me that my bf, said he doesnt know why, must be a warrant or sumthin. At this point i knew 100% that it was for heroin and his "friend" was with me, his brother said No...i laughed inside, and cried! I called the jailhouse and got all the info i needed..My ex was arrested for a warrant from his last "possesion" charge and upon being arrested, they found paraphenilia on him. I then gave his friend name and they said , YES HE WAS BROUGHT IN WITH HIM, HIS CHARGE, POSESSION OF HEROIN!!! Why am i surprised, actually im not. But I cant stop crying, and thinking about him. I only hope maybe this will be a bottom, but prolly not. Ive been calling to get info, i ant help it, He was transfered to twin towers and has court today. I want to go, i want to reach out to him, WTF, WHY? When will i stop giving a shit??? I hope he gets time and doesnt get out, but i dont undestand how any of this works! PLEASE GOD KEEP HIM IN JAIL!! I will cal later to see what happened at court even tho, his brother keeps telling me everything, I want to hear it. WHEN, WILL I STOP THIS AND JUST SAY, I DONT CARE. I dare to utter those words, cuz I CANT STOP CARING!! I want to hold him and be there for him, WHYYYYY???? I want to just hate him!
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