What is Heroin Addiction
Heroin or diacetylmorphine (INN) is a semi-synthetic opioid. It is the 3,6-diacetyl derivative of morphine (hence diacetylmorphine) and is synthesised from it by acetylation. The w...
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Hi, My story is long and so much like all that i have read. I have been with my bf for 6 months, I knew from the beginning he was a recovering , heroin addict, not knowing much about this disease I thought how bad could it be, i can help...those words continue to haunt me. After 3 months, i began to suspect that he was using, no concrete proof, but my gut has always told me a lot. Then soon after my supicions started, he picked me up one day, wearing an elbow ace bandage thing, ya, i know..He denied my concerns saying, hes got carpel tunnel in his elbow. I promise im not as stupid as i sound but i wanted to believe him. Shortly after that, signs of using became more apparent, i left him after that, but soon again, sat to talk to him about it. At this point he admitted what i was dreading he had still be using for 3 mos everyday, so he never was in fact "sober" just playing the sober role. He broke down and i wanted to help him, so i stuck around. Lets just say since then i have found many more signs and we have broken up numerous times. but he always had good excuses to cover his tracks, i wanted so badly to believe him, i love him and thought my love would save him. These scenarios contiued to repeat themself and i continued to believe his lies, deep down i knew, just didnt want to, i realize that now. He finally truly hit bottom, jail twice in a 24hr period, ex wife taking his kids away, and me ready to walk. He came out of jail, said he was going into a inpatient program, i was so proud of him and kept holding on to the hope! 2 weeks ago he came home from work, and when i emptied his lunch bag, i found a cut straw and a empty baggie of heroin. Claimed it was his co-worker and he got me again, i know how stupid i sound, love is truly blind. A week went by he seemed great. Then it happened again, i found an empty piece of balloon, and a receipt for aluminum foil, only that. I finally told myself thats it, he tried to talk his way out of this one, saying someone is setting him up. We were fighting cuz i knew this was it, he left to "confront the person who is setting him up" i talked him out of it, but he went to rite aide, he was gone for an hour. When he got back, he sat down to talk to me and started the convo telling me he just took a handful of vicodin, ambien and somas. Saying he just needs to calm down, then it happened i watched his eyes roll back and his lids look very heavy, is that nodding off? It was scary he said it was from the pills he just took. Trust me on this, i didnt fall for it this time. I was just waiting till the morning to split with him after he left, i was scared of him, he rages out badly. he then proceeded to spend the next 3 hours working on his digital date book, never seen him like that, he looked like he was tweaking, would heroin make u like that? I looked at his phone and there it was, a text a week before, to his dealer saying he has 200 dollars.
Ok, im done this time. The next day i told him i was done and i cant live like this anymore, the daily struggle alone to trust him was killing me. he told me im crazy and he cant continue to explain himself when hes sober and i dont believe him. what is it, that makes him so good at turning everything around and make me question myself? After telling him, im truly done that i love him but i love me more. All he kept saying to me, is dont let his kids down, i better go to halloween with them, i thought what? He became very angry, saying no matter what he has done to me, that i cant hurt his kids. Am i crazy but if i walk away, i walk away? why would he do this. Then he told me that his ex wife wants to hurt me, kick my ass, if i hurt their kids. Seriously is this real, please tell me am i crazy? His ex wife told me she never said that. I said im sorry but i have to seperate myself completley from her family. Meanwhile im hysterical and hurting so bad. he continued to hit below the belt with things i told him in confidence. Im sorry for all of this, im scared and im looking for any advice, anything to shed light on whats happening to him, and help me to find the tools to say strong this time, I have to! This last time was the worst it has gotten. Any advice or support i would really appreciate it. I know im not a stupid woman, but my heart is bigger than my head and try to hard believe in people. Im truly scared of myself. I have to stay strong. Thanks in advance for any words of advice. This isnt over and i need strength to deal with this. Im not sure what hes capable of at this point. I NEED TO STAY STRONG!! Im hurting so much. Thanks for letting me get that out! Posted on 10/23/09, 12:10 am |
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I am so sorry for your pain. I am sure you know what you have to do, it is just hard doing it. Walk away. This is not how you want to spend your life. Always checking and doubting. All the love in the world won't make him change, he needs to want to do that himself. You have given him enough chances. Take care of you.
Best of luck!! 
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I know it's hard to walk away, but it seems to be the best thing for you to do. I've been with my bf for a while and he confessed a month ago that he had been using again. He's been doing better now. I haven't found any signs of him using: he takes his medicine, all his time and money is accounted for, etc.
When he told me he had been using and I had to decide to stay or leave, I only stayed because I felt like he wanted to get better and wanted to truly try. However, he knows that if he starts using again and lies to me about it, then I'm leaving. I could stand the using, I could stand the relapse, I know it happens. I can't stand the lies though. When it comes to your bf, based off of what I read, it sounds like he isn't really trying. If he's getting defensive when you start to accuse him, that's never a good sign. If I begin to accuse my bf of using, he doesn't get defensive anymore. He tells me what happened and he apologizes, etc. He doesn't get mad at me for accusing him and he doesn't tell me I'm just being psycho about it ya know? He takes it in and accepts it. It doesn't seem like your bf is trying to admit to anything or trying to be honest. Maybe you should just talk to him a bit and tell him (if you feel like I do) that you'd be willing to accept him using again if he'd just tell you. I hope things get better. If you'd like to talk more, feel free to message me!
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Thanks for Im in a bad place, I the replys, i just need any support, as my family and friends have no idea about any of this. cant stop crying, Cant sleep...this is horrible. I feel like im a cruel person. The thing that got me is I have sat him down and told him since the day i found out, that if he just tells me when he fucks up, i will deal with it and move on with him but if he denies (the most obvious proof) that the lying is worse than the actual addiction and i cant stand it. For 3 months straight i would ask him, "did u get high today?) and he always, very nicely replied, "no babe", then i found out it had been lying for 3 months straight, we went to meetings together, and everything, but he lied so good to my face. I can deal with anything as long as there is honesty. on top of all this, he has a drug buddy, he is disgusting. I told my bf he is like heroin to me, so i will stay and help as long as 2 things are not in his life, the "friend" and the heroin. I just gave him something else to lie to me about, cuz he was in fact still hanging with that friend. This last time he was in jail, I spoke to his PD, and we agreed to add a court order for them to be nowhere near eachother, that didnt even help.
He did get to the point, where he didnt care if i asked or looked thru his stuff, but everytime i found something, he blamed the old friend on it, and i actually started to believe him. One night I gave him 20bucks, for gas.. he said he needed to go for a walk, when he got back i asked to see the 20, he had "lost" it. He ran around looking for it, like a psycho, i just sat there, cuz i knew. Is their anychance, im crazy? I love him soo much, and miss him! I cant stop analyzing everything, and thinking well maybe im nuts.. When he got out of jail about a month ago, he said he was going to inpatient, he still hasnt gone and has excuses like, he has stuff to take care of before he goes, etc... hes only prolonging it, so he can use longer, am i right? this last time we talked he said nice copout i told u i was going to rehab! Its taking too long, and i just keep finding more evidence. I told him if and when he goes to rehab, i will support him, but not a day before. Now ive left him, and im sure he wont go now..im so scared hes gonna die..i feel like i should have tried helping him longer. Im drained, and i had to walk, but i keep questioning myself. Did i do the right thing? The last message i got from him, was him telling me "that he can no longer continue to explain himself, when he is fact sober" and "i have hurt him worse than anyone ever in his life" Those words keep ringing in my head. I truly love this man, aside from all i have said he is a wonderful person, with a horrible problem.
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My advice would be to go to Alanon
Take care of yourself first then worry about him.
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Thanks Joe, will alanon really help me? I can't just stop worrying about him. I want to, but it's real hard. Is He full blown in this disease? There is nothing I can do or say at this point? I'm sorry I've never been thru this let alone someone I love. I'm tore up, never felt this kind of pain before, I'm helpless and feel alone.
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An addict is an addict - they will lie, steal, manipulate, tell you what you want to hear, place the blame on everyone, nothing is ever their fault. He is attempting to control and manipulate you, placing the blame on you, and everyone else, when in fact the blame should be placed on his doorstep. He’s nodding not because of the vicodins, its from either the heroin or oxi’s. He’s not going to go to rehab, he just keeps making excuses. He’s really pushing the psycho babble bullshit about not wanting you to let his kids down along with the bs about what his ex said - another manipulation game that the addict plays. His kids have their mom, so how would you be letting them down. It makes no difference if you stay with him or leave him - either way he’s not going to go into rehab. There is nothing you can do to help an active addict - talking, begging, does nothing to make an addict quit. Addicts themselves are the only ones who can make the decision to get help for their addiction. If they go into rehab because everyone wants them to - it will never work, they have to go because they want to get clean and sober. Addicts also have to hit their bottom, what’s bottom for one addict is not for another - they also have to get sick and tired of being sick and tired. The best thing you can do is to stop enabling, which means you have to let the addict hit bottom. You asked if he is full blown in this disease - yes he is. You can’t control people, places or things, so when your addict said that you’ve hurt him worse than anyone ever has in his life, is another sad attempt of him trying to manipulate and make you feel bad. Like Joe said, get into Alanon, therapy or some type of support group for you. You need to take care of you. All your trying to help him isn’t going to keep him from od’ing. None of us want our addicts to die, the sad truth is there is no way we can prevent them from it, whether we are there or have left them as the drama, hoopla and wild ride on the roller coaster of addiction has finally worn us out mentally, physically and emotionally, and the only way we are going to get better is to take care of ourselves. You are not alone, we have all either been through it, are going through it, or are addicts who are now in recovery from the horrible disease of addiction. I know this is all so overwhelming, especially if you have never lived with addiction, or had to deal with it before. Get help for yourself, learn all you can about addiction. Stay strong and keep the faith.
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Thank u so much, bcolliesmoms, I needed to hear all that right now. Im having a very hard day regarding all this...I cant stop crying. I want him to call, even though i wont answer, i just want him to. Is that sick? Im in so much pain, all i have thought about all day is all the fun and good times we shared, believe it or not, we did. I miss him terribly but i gotta keep the focus, thats why i joined here, because i have forgivin so many times, that i know i just cant this time. So i truly appreciate any and all words of wisdom, it keeps me strong.
My mother is currently dying from dementia (shes in her 9th year, and is a pretty much a vegetable) It is the hardest thing i have ever had to deal with, and one of the main things i would always think and say to him, Im watching the most important person in my life, die right in front of my eyes, from a disease that she has no control over, I cant watch another person I love die over a disease that he does have control over" It has made everything im dealing with, that much harder. I love him and miss him and i want to stop feeling this way. Im actually getting angry that at the very least, he hasnt called to say sorry to me. Is that sick? I want to stop looking at the phone, to see if he has called or if someone in his family has to tell me one of three things that im dreading. Anyway, please keep the advice coming..It is really helping and i just need to get through this. Its the hardest thing to not have anyone to talk to about this. My friends and family didnt want us together, so they arent gonna listen to this stuff, besides i just cant tell them. Please let the tears stop for a litte while, its draining me..i feel very alone and so emotional. I am doing the right thing, right?
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It only stands to reason that your emotions are all fired up. You are not only dealing with you're bf's addiction, even though you are not with him, but also because of you're mom's disease, which I am so sorry that you are having to deal with seeing a loved one slowly die. I was 23 when my mom was diagnosed with terminal cancer. It was an emotional roller coaster to say the least, going from crying, to anger because she never smoked a day in her life. But my mom like your mom did nothing to cause their disease. An addict has a choice - continue to use or get help. Addiction is a disease - but one that is treatable.. You have choices when it comes to living and dealing with addiction, which at this point you are questioning, mainly did you do the right thing. No one can actually tell you if you made the right decision - you are the only one who can. We can only suggest, or give our opinions on that. I can tell you this - if I was in your situation, I sure as hell, get as far away from a bf that is an active addict. I have been in recovery for 22 years for alcohol and drugs. I also have a 24 year old son who has been in recovery for 2 years for heroin addiction. I went through the hell of addiction with myself for 17 years and with my son for 6 years. I left my son's father when he was 5 because I could no longer live and deal with an active addict, along with being in recovery for 3 years, I wanted to stay in recovery and living with an active addict sure does put alot of undue stress on a recovering addict. It makes perfect sense why your friends and family don't want the 2 of you together - they see what's going on, and they hate it. I can also understand why you can't talk to them - because they will tell you what hell you are and have dealt with, which is something you don't want to hear, but it's the truth. I have a friend that has a wonderful saying - "Like the addict is addicted to drugs, you are addicted to the addict". No truer words were ever spoken. You cry, worry and think you can help the addict get better or get help - which is the farthest thing from the truth. Only the addict can make the choice of getting help for their addiction, which is something people hate to hear, but the truth. Your life is destined for insanity if you stay with an active addict, a life filled with manipulation, control, lying, cheating, stealing. If your bf shoots the heroin you probably never thought of all the horrible things that can happen to you as a result of this - aids, should be the number one reason - if he shares needles - plus a number of other diseases you can contract though him. You want him to call, even though you may or may not talk to him - he is continuing to control and manipulate you. Of course he isn't calling for a number of reasons - he can get high as much and as long as he wants, with no one to bother him. He is attempting to make you feel bad thinking something bad has happened to him, and that you will be the one to call, telling him how sorry you are and how you are wrong. Until he get help and into recovery, he will never say he is sorry for what you have had to deal and live with. If he does call and tells you that he is sorry - it will be again for a number of reasons - he's dope sick and has no money for his next fix. So he will cry and be a big drama queen on how wrong he is, wants you back, blah-blah-blah. The only reason he is actually calling you is to manipluate you for MONEY. I still strongly suggest you get yourself into Alanon, everyone there has walked in your shoes, and will help you get through all the turmoil you are living with 24/7, because if you give in to your addict, you will once again be living and dealing with hell. You miss the person the addict once was. As long as the addict continues to use, those days are just that good memories, and will be in the past. If the addict does seek help and go down the road of recovery, along with working to maintain their soberity for the rest of their life, then and only then will you be reunited with the person you met and fell in love with. Stay strong and keep the faith.
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Hi,.I just wanted to lend you some moral support and tell you emphatically that you are doing the right thing.No amount of love in the world can just "cure" an addict.Only he and a professional rehab place or N/A or something along those lines can help him.He has learned to lie and manipulate for so long, it's all he knows.Until he gets help, he'll never be able to have an honest relationship with anyone else and especially himself.I know you care for him,but please don't be hard on yourself.You aren't God.You are powerless to help him.Hopefully something will shake him up enough to seek help.All you can do is pray and try to take care of yourself.Yes, I'm sure he is a good person, but this disease has taken over .He needs treatment for his disease.Nothing else but will truly help him but that.
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Thank u everyone. I need to hear all this amd keep hearing it. I cant tell u how many times i have been back on just to read all the advice. It is saving me right now. I feel very weak, i feel myself questioning everything, like maybe im wrong, i never did catch him with a needle in his arm. I feel like when i walked away this last time, that i should have had more concrete proof. Then i keep reminding myself that a piece of balloon tied off, and a receipt for only aluminum foil is all i need, am i right?
What if he wasnt using this last time, and that was circumstantial?? See what im doing, how do i stop doing that. It hurts so much to not have heard from him, this is the same guy who, a week ago told me, he would be devastated if i ever left. I realize how i must sound, but im being real and i gotta get these thoughts out of my head, to stay strong..its those thoughts that will break me. His ex- brother in law, who was with me in suspecting he was using, has been calling and texting everyday and i know its not for my bf, cuz hes coming on very strong. Telling me how pretty i am, and how he cant believe my bf didnt realize what he had. He also tells me he would treat me better than he ever did. Its creeping me out, but its the only way i know my ex isnt dead. Yesterday he asked me if i am "loud" in bed, i asked him to please stop, and he did. WTF is going on here.. I know i need to cut ties with him also, im scared to not know how my ex is doing..thats still being codependent, right? Ok, again thanks for all the support, i truly need it.. Sorry i rammble, this is the only place i can talk about all of this! Im looking into alanon. Anymore advice i would appreciate, I will get it, i just need to keep hearing it...It will stick.
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