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Advice:
How do you keep a "family" together after?
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I have a 41 year old nephew and my sister (his mother) who live next door to me. I actually live above her garage where mom and dad had lived. My husband passed away in 2001 from lung cancer and I sold the home in New Hampshire and moved back to CT and into the apartment. Right after I moved and landed a job, in my nephew started asking to borrow money. I trusted him and lent him the money which he paid back. It got to the point that he was borrowing more than I could afford. He was being paid more than twice what I was earning and borrowing money from me. Two years later, he was stealing from my home, pawned my wedding ring and another priceless heirloom and who know how much else of my jewelry. I mentioned missing items to his mother who never got back to me about it. It all came to a head when my sister and I returned from our cruise in February to find that he had moved my new locked car to get the smashed up car out of the garage and go get his heroin. My sister new and did not tell me that he was a heroin addict. My apartment was never locked. Even if it was, they had the key. One night I was taking my dog out at 9:30 in late Feb. I got to the woods and looked up to see him coming out of my apartment. I spoke to him and he ran. I had to get the dog back in the house. Once there, I noticed that my pocketbook was no longer where I kept it. I went down to my sister's door. He denied it. He has done unspeakable things to me and called me every name in the book. Has convinced his mother that his sister (another addict) stole my pocketbook. They forget I saw him. I have a brother and sister in law that live about 45 minutes away and they are very supportive, but I feel very violated and I am damn mad that no one is willing to own up to what they have done, even after going to rehab, etc. It's been months. I don't know how to forgive him this time.
Posted on 10/16/09, 08:05 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 10/20/09  6:59pm
" I'd leave if I were you.
Your sister is just as bad as her son for letting a 41 year old live with her and enabling him.
Things wont get any better just worse.
Good luck. "
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Reply #2 - 11/28/09  11:00pm
" Well for your sister, she is enableing him as u probably already know. Also as a mother this must be so hard and she must feel like a failure and feel the least she can do is provide shelter for her child.
But about forgivness... it's a tricky one. In any situation of this kind, the violated vs. in denial, you feel hurt, you want an apology & closer, and they are embarrassed and mad at themselves inside. He's not going to admit to it most likely ever... it's up to you.. in this situation, you are obviously the bigger person. Look at it this way, I am CERTAINLY NOT defending him, but drugs make people do crazythings, he's an addict and needs help. Dealing with drugs is like gambling with the devil... it's not the innocent boy you saw grow up, he chose to do this yes, but he does not choose to be manipulated by it. Forgive the boy, hate ther drug.... it's so unjust, I know. I have a husband who is in rehab for heroin, we have 2 babies, 3 yrs marriage and now this... the way I chose to do this was this: His doing heroin was never an attack on me, he never did it to hurt me or my kids, the hurt came from the consequences of doing it. I am sure he did now want to steal from you but had to find some way to get his fix that night, it's a nasty drug and until you experience the effects it has you cant understand why people can't put their family first or use common sense, it just takes over.
Hope this helped. "
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Reply #3 - 11/29/09  4:38pm
" You cannot negotiate with a drug addict or enabler. You need to set boundaries, stay away from these elements and people, and do what you have to do to make sure they know your serious.

A addict is not always a bad person, they are sick and suffering from a disease. But you are not the person that can cure them.

You are powerless other than doing the right thing, and after telling this person you cannot do this you have to stand by it and call the police. If not be prepared to see a lot more or even get hurt.

You are contributing to the continuation of this everytime you let it happen, so set out the rules. You just may make his road narrow enough where he gets help. "

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