This is my very first post ever. I apologize in adavance (lol). Your post moved me and made me ball like a baby. I too had a lost love. I say lost because eventually that is what he was. I am eaten alive with guilt as well, and it doesn't matter when people say it is not your fault. I know it wasn't all my fault but I feel I held some responsability. I will just tell you my story to better your understanding of my feelings. I met my soulmate at age 16. I never had met someone so intelligent and differant than all the boys my age. I was mesmerized. I moved away to a differant state and three months later he followed. He had adhd and wasn't properly treated, he was almost a genious, but couldn't be "comfortable" in his own skin. We married at age 20 and the ride got faster...we used together for a long time. In fact he helped me off of cocaine by injecting differant drugs to ease my discomfort. We stoppped that for awhile. The demon never left though and we started using again. i tried H but I always felt so sick and nodding off so I wasn't really a fan. Anyway I became pregnant with my daughter and I was sober for the first time in years and I was HAPPY. Can you imagine? Me? Happy? Sober? But yes I was. After I had her I continued to
stay away from it and thought he was too. We never lied to each other No matter how bad the truth was, so when he stopped eating, and acting strange I noticed but didnt want to believe it I guess. he came to me one day and said Ok I have a problem and I need help. I was baffled because he told me in detail how he got the money (i did the finances) and when did he use? Where was I? My world shattered at my feet. My trust in the ONE person I thought never lied to me was gone just like that. He had been lying for well over six months and got severe the the last three. The day before
detox began he came home with flowers and a card, but I was still upset...anyway I heard a loud noise in the back and thought it was the dryer. I went back there and he was having a seizure type reaction and a needle was laying on the floor. He turned blue foaming at the mouth you name it...he then well died. His mom gave hime cpr and nothing then she pounded on his fist partly to help his heart and partly out of frustration. I had my daughter outside waiting for an ambulance at this point and his mom came out and said he's alive. I was shocked. I saw him die...no way. I walked in and he was standing there his skin was grey very grey and I dropped to my knees and then I went off. I was cussing and
screaming and
crying. The police nor the ambulance could get him to come outside but everntually he did. They asked what was on his neck (a needle mark) an ingrown hair his says. Anyway during this short time I found out I was pregangant with my son. the following year I couldn't trust him I just knew he was on drugs but he claims he wasn't. We divorced. He startting using heavily again then stopped I moved back in with him and every friday I wondered if he was coming home..it was awful, but I loved him and couldn;t bear to give up...he choked me until I passed out one day and he went to
jail for violation of proababtion for the same thing (he only did this because of drugs he was a good person). I moved on, I tried too. The reality of losing his family sunk in and attempted suicide several times once out, and then stopped the drugs and went to church. (I forgot to mention by this time I was also very addicted to prescrisption meds and so was he). I felt like a hypocrite bc I didn't shoot it up anymore I was good. I was so very wrong. Recreationally he tried to shoot
fentanyl patch and he succeeded. he died by affixiation. He didn't even have any thing in his body but this drug unless prescribed. He was my best friend and I gave up on him what's worse is I starting using but still he remained the out of control one so he was to blame. I am on day three of suboxene. I have never been this honest about this before but I carry such guilt and a sense of loss everyday for my actions. I have two beautiful children because of him and I killed there dad. I know I didn;t do the deed myself but he told my mom 2 days before he passed that in order for one of us to be happy apart the other person would have to die. How wrong he was I am so unhappy and I miss him everyday. He had such a huge heart and loved with it's entirety. He was my best friend the only true friend I have ever had. i was with him for over 11 yrs, and it feels like 40 since he died. The one and only good thing besides our children was that I opened my eyes and have now quit the 15+ pills I thought I needed to make it through a day. I got worse after his death but now have stopped completely. There are days I wish I was with him wherever that may be and I too am only here because my children need me. I am not proud of myself at all and I don't know any good answers for your question because I have the same one except I don't feel I deserve to get over the guilt. Because I was guilty before he even died. Just because I function and work and take care of everything makes me no less an addict then anyone else, and I really want to apologize to ANYONE who ever felt beat down by people or less of a person. My husband was a great man and yes he made terrible choices but he was good and intelligent and funny...I could go on all day. I am rambling...sorry just needed to get this off my chest. Don't give up though you . What helps me is looking at my babies and
remembering the loss of there father and how devastated they would be to lose me even if I am no prize. They can't help it . They love us no matter. LIVE FOR YOUR BABIES..IF NOTHING AT ALL. That is what I have told myself for almost a year next month.
