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Advice:
My boyfriend is addicted to heroin please help!
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I have been on and off with my boyfriend for almost 9 years, about 8 months ago he took up using heroin which I just found out about at the very end of February, I don't know how he hid it from me but he did. I took him to see a doctor and they started him on suboxone, which worked for nearly a month, we had a fight and he relapsed, he just went to see another doctor to get help again but he hasn't done a good job of staying clean this time. At 3 AM this morning he woke up breathing heavy and he left at 3:00 am to go back to his house which is unusual because he always stays with me and the kids. I love him but I can't take the lies and hurt from him anymore. I love him and want to be happy with him but how do I help him to realize? I know he needs to realize on his own but is there anything I can do? I do not want to enable him to do heroin, I want him to stop. Help me, please...he's tearing my life apart, I've never used drugs or alcohol.
Posted on 05/16/08, 01:42 pm
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 05/16/08  5:16pm
" I know how you are feeling you want to do the right thing but you dont know what it is!! there isnt much you can do untll he wants to stop its just a waiting game for you untill he disides what he wants an its just up to you to stay strong for you and your kids and deside if you want to wait for him or not! good luck! "
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Reply #2 - 05/17/08  10:48am
" addiction is an illness the same as cancer. YOU CAN"T DO ANYTHING to make the person change or stop. They must do that with the help of their Higher power. Unfortunatley it is a illness or relapse. They relapse sometime many times before they get it right. Sometimes they never get it right. You ned to make choices for yourself and your life. Remember it only gets worse if they do not want to stop. Its a pregressive illness. I wish you much luck and suggest you go to naranone or alanone meetings they do help. "
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Reply #3 - 07/13/08  1:58am
" i had no idea my fiance was using and it kills me now. we have a son and i don't know what to do either. he has lied to me about everything and it does hurt. sometimes i get so worried that i get sick. i feel that i want to hold onto us, but he has to make the change. unfortunetly no matter what you say you can't just hit a switch in his head and think he will get better. it will hurt to wonder what hes doin, or were he is. but at the same time it may be easier to leave and not have the worry. "
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Reply #4 - 10/02/08  6:39pm
" my boyfriend is addicted to heroine as well. right now he is detoxing at his dad's house, and i'm not allowed to be there until the detox is done. i can really relate to you on so many different levels though.

really, there is no way to help him realize that heroine is ruining his life, and yours. i know that is a horrible thing to hear... trust me, i know because that's all i've been hearing from everyone. the only thing you can really do is love him... and either let him know that you are going to be there for him... or that you will leave him if he doesn't stop. keep in mind that when you talk to him about his usage... you are dealing with an addict. and addiction is a disease. he needs to get into some sort of inpatient rebhab place, but in order to do that, he has to be sick of doing heroine. he has to go there because he wants to... not because you want him to. and i know how bad it hurts to hear that. maybe try going to some NA meetings with him... or therapy or something. get to the root of the problem: why did he start using heroine? once you figure that out, you can start from there. just remember that an addiction is something you deal with for the rest of your life. and it's hard, not only for the addict, but for the loved ones as well.

something that i read in an NA book, has helped me through what i'm going through with my boyfriend. it's meant for addicts, but it helps for all sorts of problems. try making a list of "Just For Today" tasks. for example...
JUST FOR TODAY i'm going to try to find a way to help my boyfriend, instead of dwelling on the fact that he won't quit.
JUST FOR TODAY i'm going to focus on me and my kids and the well-being for my family.
JUST FOR TODAY i'm not going to cry or be upset over his addiction.
JUST FOR TODAY i will put this problem in God's hands.
JUST FOR TODAY everything will be okay.

the reason behind the "Just For Today" tasks is that you set a daily goal and you stick by it. if you think about never crying or being upset over his addiction for the rest of your life... it will be too overwhelming. so you start off small... and tell yourself that maybe tomorrow you will worry about it and bother him about it... but Just For Today... you won't. it really helps you heal and get stronger inside so that you will be healthy enough emotionally to help him overcome this. just make up a list of Just For Today tasks and recite them to yourself every single day. make sure to tell yourself that this is just for today... maybe not tomorrow... but just for today. you can also introduce your boyfriend to the Just For Today idea and if he decides he wants to quit... then have him make up his own list. he can say things like...

JUST FOR TODAY i will be drug-free.
JUST FOR TODAY i will focus on getting better for my family.
JUST FOR TODAY i will have a drug-free program and i will do everything in my power to not use.
JUST FOR TODAY i will go to NA meetings and talk to other people who are battling the same thing i am.
JUST FOR TODAY i will be unafraid of being sober.
JUST FOR TODAY i will set an example for my kids and i won't use drugs.
JUST FOR TODAY i will believe that i do not need drugs to survive.

It really helps a lot.
good luck with everything!


sorry i wrote so much... but i'd rather write too much... than not enough.


*amber* "
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Reply #5 - 10/05/08  3:57pm
" Hi, I am a recovering addict myself and I have a year and a half clean. I know from experience that unfortunatly you cannot help him no matter how hard you try. This probably hurts you like crazy. The best thing you can do is to let him go and try to live your life. This might give him a push to realize he has a problem. There are support groups you can join to help you deal with this. Its frustrating, it hurts and its so confuseing, I know, I wish you the best of luck and same with him. Dont give up on yourself and believe me its not at all your fault, none of it. Stay strong and do whats best for you. "
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Reply #6 - 10/22/09  12:52pm
" I can completely relate to what you're going through. I've been with my boyfriend for a few months now and I knew about his previous heroin use. He was doing it the past year or so but I had been through detox and inpatient rehab last year. When we started dating he had been clean for six months when we started dating and I never thought twice about it. I knew his story and I knew he was clean. after we had been dating a couple of months, he confessed that he had been using again and he expected me to leave him for it so he had hidden it from me. When he told me what was going on, he had already made arrangements to go to detox again. He went there for a few days and since then he's been taking his suboxone, getting his debt taken care of, and working more to make more money.

Unfortunately, the worrying still doesn't go away. No matter how many times I see him take his medicine, or when I spend all day with him and he doesn't have the chance to use and he doesn't get sick the next day, or any thing like that, the worrying doesn't end. I still get sick nearly every morning or I have nightmares about him using. It takes minute incidents to cause me to worry (like one morning when he says he took his medicine but i didn't see him do it, or when i find a pill in his drawer and i don't know if it's from now or before, or when his eyes don't seem to dilate for a while, or just the times i'm not with him). It doesn't take much to tear my heart in two.

He tells me all the time that I am the reason he wants to do this. That he loves me so much that he wants to be clean and do whatever will make me happy so I will stay with him. He tells me all the time that I'm totally worth it. But after being lied to for months, part of me thinks all of that is total bullsh*t, ya know?

He's also told me that no matter what I say or how much I check up on him, it's not going to make him no do drugs. That being me is what will stop him. Loving him and standing by him. Letting him do things to make me happy. That's what he says keeps him from doing drugs.

I have basically moved in with him since that happened. I had been so terrified to leave him alone and now I just don't want to. I don't trust him any more and that makes everything so hard to believe. I used to go through his drawers, pockets and phone but that only hurt me more. I have since given up on that. All it does is hurt me more to find little things that could potentially mean he's using.

Now, I just watch him. I watch his eyes to make sure they dilate at all; I watch his arm to make sure I see no new punctures; I help keep track of his money to see where he's spending it all; I talk to his mom to make sure he's not telling her anything different than he's telling me; I keep track of his pills and make him take them in front of me every day. He'll even wake me up in the middle of the night if that's when he thinks to take it, just so I see him do it.

We're trying. Some days are harder than others and I wish I knew a way to make it all better, but just like you, I don't. Just be there for him. Many people started off telling me to leave my boyfriend but I knew that wouldn't help either of us: I'd be hurt that I left him and he'd lose his reason for being clean. He's told me before that I'm the prize he gets for being clean.

Stay strong. I'd love to hear how things are going now since this post was from months ago. "
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Reply #7 - 10/27/09  12:25pm
" its really hard loving a person who is a junkie especially when you are not. just like you, i don't take drugs or alcohol. during our relationship i just felt like we were so different, but i still loved him. he showed all of the signs, but i didn't see them. he always had bruises all over his body, he just told me he got into an accident on his bike. he was always asking his parents for money and i kept telling him to stop (but it was much more than i thought).

In a way you feel like a "buzz kill"...at least i did. Like the more i talked the more i tried to be myself, the more he was annoyed with me. It was like he was saying "shut the fuck up you annoying bitch" in his mind. Maybe i'm being hard on myself. But junkies don't really like people. They are not really your friend, they will fuck you over and won't care at all, because they have heroin.

For xxtryinghardxx.....this could be a really terrible analogy, but think about people who pretend their dog is a human instead of an animal. The dog takes advantage of its owner, because your babying it. You shouldn't be surprised that the dog chews up your shoes or your clothes.

My fiance started using after 4 years. he told me he loves me more than anything. We've known each other since we were kids, he was my first boyfriend. He tells me that by having me it makes him feel "pure" again. I knew about his problem when we got back together, but it had been soooo long and i never thought we'd find each other again.

Last night he told me that if i leave he has no reason to get sober if i'm not there. But you know what i don't care, i told him "you shouldn't live your life for someone else, its not attractive" (even though i know he's NOT listening).

xxtryinghardxx-it sounds like you are going to continue to torture yourself with worry and agony with someone you are pretending is there. just like a dog is not a human, a heroin addict is a different kind of beast. i'm coming to terms with this. everyone keeps telling me they have to realize it for themselves...and i think that is true. he is not going to realize anything because of you, that is really hard to hear. I know that the person i loved is beautiful but he is now heroin, he is probably exactly like your boyfriend. all heroin addicts are kind of the same. they think about getting their next fix all the time, not about you. the more you try to keep an eye on him, the more he'll do shit behind your back.

After i found out, he knew it was over and everything was coming down hard. He just let himself go, i took my car (that he had keys to) and stashed it somewhere so he couldn;t find it. I put everything valuable we had, including his macbook pro laptop, my computer, my engagement ring (symbolic representation of "us" than i know he is willing to sell) in the car and locked it up. He came STORMING through the house, there was glass everywhere! he went through every jewelry box EVERYTHING. He called me and threatened to take my dog if i didn't tell him where his computer was (this was someone i didn't know). I called my family and his brother, they all told me "GIVE HIM HIS LAPTOP". Just like you, i want to save him. When he was threatening me, i said "i'll give you your laptop..." this was so hard for me. I biked my ass off because he was coming to school to find me and i didn't want him to know where the car was. My heart was racing. I gave him the laptop (we just so happen to live across the street from a pawnshop). I followed him, he went straight into the pawn shop and pawned his laptop with his dealer. it was devastating.

I just have to keep telling myself he is an addict, he WAS a grown man, and he is NOT a baby. He can do whatever he wants with his laptop. I called the cops and took down the dealers plates, but the cops told me the same thing "its his laptop and he can do whatever he wants with it". In a way the act was symbolic. A reality i did not want to face, but its the reality. I see what's happening and i realize..."the dog is not a human" you can't pretend to treat it like that. xxtryinghardxx-it just sounds like your trapped, your afraid to leave because he will use, but this is not "life", you are not free. these kinds of people really try to ruin OUR lives. it is so unfair...but just like an addict needs to find their own faith, so do we. "

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