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Advice:
Discouraged Wife Needs Advice
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My husband appears to have lost interest in me sexually and its really bothering me. The worst part is he acts like it isn't happening. We went from having sex 4-5 days a week, to 1x a week on Sunday morning. And now recently not even that, just randomly. Usually when he can tell I'm about to start complaining about it.

Our sex life was amazing up until about 4 months ago. He was always affectionate and always wanted to b intimate in some way. His affection started to diminish slowly and I started noticing he was having difficulty achieving orgasm and he would prolong foreplay, trying satisfy me that way and wasnt bothered if we didnt have sex. Sometimes he wouldnt even get an erection, he could touch me and watch TV and be fine. Pissed me off. Then he would have an erection until we would have intercourse and then have difficulty maintaining his erection and I could tell he was trying to focus to maintain.

Now in the last month we have been intimate once. I tried to initiate oral sex with him a couple weeks ago before bed and he just layed there. He didnt try to stop my advances but didnt become aroused at all. When I stopped touching him, he acted as though he was asleep.He acted as if it never happened and has yet to mention it I have tried to talk to him about it in the past and he tells me it isnt me and that it isnt him either. He just blows it off as if I'm making a big deal over nothing but since when can a man sleep naked next to his wife or be touched sexually by her and not become aroused if he is attracted to her? When I mentioned it this last time he just told me "love you anyway".

I am very hurt by this. It makes me feel unwanted and unattractive and like he doesn't want me anymore. I have even told him that if its something physical that he has no control over that I would understand but that he just need to communicate with me. I get nothing. I'm at a loss and I need advice.
Posted on 01/22/13, 11:18 am
14 Replies | Most Recent Add Your Advice
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Advice:
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Reply #1 - 01/22/13  11:36am
" His stress level? Last physical exam, age, family history regarding heart, diabetes, etc etc.
Certainly you should be concerned, but I would caution placing blame or taking blame until a complete medical evaluation was done. Which may be tough to get accomplished unless you and he, can discuss it thoroughly. Sounds like you are going the extra mile for him and he needs to reciprocate. Wish you luck and a quick resolve. "
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Reply #2 - 01/22/13  11:42am
" He is 47 and was not in a relationship for 6 years before we met due to a bad divorce. He has had some medical issues recently but this began just before that. He started having unexplained chest pain/dizziness and went though lots of testing. They found nothing wrong other slightly elevated blood pressure and high cholesterol. He is on medication for that. Otherwise in good health. Its just like night and day. I haven't been pissy with him about it and I try not to say much other than to ask if something is wrong but he just blows me off. We used to cuddle alot and thats even diminished by 50%. "
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Reply #3 - 01/22/13  11:47am
" I am 4 years younger than him. We have been together just over a year and married 6 months. There is also a family history of heart issues. His dad had a stroke recently as well. His son and grandfather are diabetic but e has shown no signs of that. We both have a fair amount of stress but no more or less than we are accustomed to over the last year. Nothing else has changed just our intimacy level. "
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Reply #4 - 01/22/13  11:48am
" *14 years younger than him. "
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Reply #5 - 01/22/13  1:27pm
" I posted but don't know where it went, DS gremlins at it again?

It could be many things, physical or psychological. These are just guesses, you said sometimes he doesn't get an erection and at times he doesn't stay hard. He could be dealing with ED and is embarrassed by it or afraid he can't satisfy you. If ED is the issue, him no longer wanting to cuddle could be him thinking cuddling will lead to sex and then the fear or embarrassment kicks in and he doesn't want to deal with it. If it is ED, that has nothing to do with how attracted he is to you, ED is a symptom caused by an underlying physical or emotional issue. It could also be he has low T or many other things going on.

You said he had a check up but did he discuss his erection issues with his doctor? Did he ask to have his T levels checked? Talking to a doctor (preferably a Urologist) is the first step to take to rule out a physical problem.

All relationship problems including sexual problems need to be talked about openly and honestly by both couples if there's any chance of resolving the problems.

If he's not concerned by it and not willing to talk about it with you or with a doctor, that in itself is a problem. Issues can't be swept under the rug. "
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Reply #6 - 01/22/13  1:30pm
" Possibility the meds might have triggered the ED issue.

It's time for him to see the doc. Nothing ashamed about having ED. I fought it for a year before getting it fixed. "
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Reply #7 - 01/22/13  9:14pm
" I can really only second everything leather said. He should see a doctor...but he has to see this as a problem before he will ever make that appt and go.
A good honest conversation is necessary here. Tell him what you have shared here about how the events of late have made you feel unloved and unwanted and if he loves you he will not want you feeling that way. If it is a medical issue than he can seek help for this. I wonder if you could experiment with this and get some viagra and tell him you would like to try having fun together by both taking viagra and having a romantic night together. If he is responsive to this I would think that would tell you he still cares and wants you but has just been having a problem with ED. If he responds in some other way than sadly there may be deeper issues at play here. Best of luck honey. "
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Reply #8 - 01/22/13  9:42pm
" I was going to say the same thing...maybe stress level? Work issues that maybe he isn't ready to talk about yet? Any other outside issues? Why don't you try to talk to him about it and figure out what you can do to help him? "
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Reply #9 - 01/22/13  11:12pm
" Jewel,

You said "They found nothing wrong other slightly elevated blood pressure and high cholesterol. He is on medication for that. "

Those are possible issues.
1) High Blood Pressure (or cardio issues in general) can contribute to ED.
2) Medications to treat HBP can also contribute to ED symptoms.
(the above 2 double-whammys is know as "Making God Laugh").
3) Statins for cholesterol control can also contribute to ED.

Sooooo ... if any of these are affecting him, maybe try laying off medications for a month (and both of you taking long walks to help reduce HBP and get better fitness that way).

Good luck with finding the solution..

J "
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Reply #10 - 01/23/13  4:38pm
" Thank you everyone for you input. I decided that since he was at work and couldn't blow me off if I put it in writing to email him. I was brutally honest and gave detailed examples of the issues and told him exactly how it made me feel. I also told him that as his wife I deserved honesty and communication be it good or bad. I sent the email and waited...and waited. Finally I got a response. He said that he loved me and that it was not a lack of interest or desire for me, nor was it that he had interest elsewhere. He said that it was medical/physical and that he had been ignoring it hoping it would go away on its own basically. He said that he had noticed my moods changing and that affected his reaction to me. So he wants to discuss it tonight when he gets home. He is mad at himself for not being honest with me sooner and it causing me to feel the way I do. I'm glad I emailed him...bow maybe we can take the steps to figure out what is causing it and correct it. "

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