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Needing Their Love
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I will turn 30 in February and yet I still feel the need to prove myself to my parents to earn their love.
In every aspect of my life, if someone doesn't like me for who I am, I couldn't care less. I am a very assertive (almost aggressive) person who does not let someone walk on me or take advantage of me. I am who I am and if you don't like who I am, I'm not going to change who I am just to make you happy. This is the type of person I am but I find myself thinking 'why won't you love me?' about my parents. I am the youngest of 3 children and the only one still unmarried. I am generally happy being unmarried (it has it's pros and cons), make a good living, I pay my bills, don't do drugs, don't drink, I have enough friends to keep life exciting and all around I'm happy. But because I'm not married, do not have children and I go out with friends, my parents have labeled me as irresponsible. Now growing up it was always obvious who the favorite child in the family was, my brother (the oldest). My sister and I were mostly equal growing up but when my sister started having children, she shot straight to the top to be equal to our brother (in my parents eyes). Most of the time it doesn't bother me too much that my parents treat me like I am 10 years old and feel the need to lecture me on how irresponsible I am and how my opinion doesn't count because clearly I have chosen the wrong path in life. But recently it has been eating me up and here's why..... In September my mother had a massive seizure as a result of an unknown brain tumor. She had her surgery, found out that it was a noncancerous tumor and came home from the hospital two weeks later. My parents are both retired, spend more money than they receive in SS and retirement benifits, no insurance and are now roughly $300,000 in debt because of the brain tumor. I agreed to move in with my parents to help take care of her and the house and to help with a major medical mal-practice lawsuit (it's a long story). I have lived with them since Sept. 25th and nearly every day I hear how I have screwed up my life, I need to be more responsible and I am incapably of taking care of myself. Now since we found out my mother had a brain tumor, my brother and his wife have seen our parents once and my sister has seen our parents 3 times (each time was to drop her 1 year old son off with them so she can go out with her friends). I have been the one sitting by my mothers side as she becomes more and more depressed and worried the tumor will come back, talking to my father so he can let out his frustrations, have held each of them as they cried with worry about the bills, I work full-time and still come home to fix dinner, clean the house, I took their cat to the hospital because of a UTI, and have paid every single one of their bills since this happened. AND I NEED TO BE MORE RESPONSIBLE? My mother is doing great and I am very thankful for that. Even though I know that I am responsible, I have not screwed up my life and I am 100% capable of taking care of not only myself but also my parents, I still feel the need to keep proving myself to them so they will love me. Or hell at least appreciate me. WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME? Is there a good self-help book out there that can help me? I am generally a happy person but since moving back in with my parents, I have started taking xanax b/c of anxiety. I will not move out until I know they will be okay but what scares me is that I don't know if they will ever be okay truly living by themselves. As much as I dislike the way they treat me, they are my parents and I firmly believe family comes first. I just wish I was not the only one in the family that felt this way. There is so much more to this story but details are not needed, I just would like to stop feeling the need to prove myself to them. What can I do? Posted on 11/07/09, 01:11 pm |
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Hey Island, first of all kudos to you for being a saint! You aren't required to do any of the things you've done for your parents but you did. You definitely went beyond the call of duty.
As for the responsibility issue I think you need to do something to address this issue now. That sort of emotional degrading (abuse really) can eat away at your confidence over time and hurt you. I learned that the hard way with an ex girlfriend. My suggestion is two fold. First, don't let your parents go there EVER. Sit down with them in the near future when everyone is calm and there is no criticizing going on and explain to them what they are doing and how it affects you. Tell them the matter of your marital status and personal responsibility is not up for discussion going forward. From that point on you will have to dig in your heels and interrupt them anytime they start discussing it. Say, "no" or "don't" or whatever get's them to stop. Second, though they are your parents you really need to care for yourself first. If you are going to continue living with them make sure you get your space and put some of the responsibility on your other family members to help you! You are literally making yourself sick (i.e. the anxiety) and that shouldn't be acceptable to you. You sound like a great person. I hope you are able to work it out. :-) 
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I agree with GF you could try and get everyone together and see if everyone could have a reasonable role in helping your folks out. I would make sure everyone is in the room so all opinions can be heard. If you all can agree to work together I think this could be a workable situation for all of you and none of you will be overwhelmed by the responsibility it takes to help your folks out.
You could also check with social services in your area and see what programs your parents can qualify for as there are quite a few things they can suggest that may help the entire family out. There are also support groups for people who are taking care of the parents or relatives and they offer some wonderful suggestions in making it easier. I believe the DS site has a group as well. Anyway try and focus on what can be beneficial to your folks and you as if your other family members are not going to help and just complain they are not worth your time to convince in helping. Work with people that can help. Wishing you much better days very soon:)
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