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The leech on my emotions and finances
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Although I love my Mom, she has gradually gotten worse over the years. She once made fairly decent money, but went on disability due to a "hurt back." She wasn't working for several years, and my Grandparents supported us.
At one point, my Mom requested State financial assistance. I ended up having to go to these classes for job training at age 17, right after graduating High School. Inevitably, I was wondering why I was there when I had just graduated, and didn't have any children. I found out I did not have to be there. Needless to say, I was a bit irked with my Mom for that. When my Mom did get a new job, she was always "sick" or "injured" which often resulted in her inability to be promoted, thus making more money. She even claimed she fell at a mall, and received a settlement which basically bought her a nise, used car. Currently the situation is the same. Fortunately I have a great paid internship with the Government and I am continuing my education. My Mom is still working a minimum-wage job and asks me for money. She claims it's for the bills, but I truly wonder what she spends the rest of her money on. She always seems to have money for her extensive prescription collection and for cigarettes. I purchase my own groceries, and she purchases hers. The sad thing is that she puts her name on her food which is like a slap in the face to me. I'm 110 pounds, and I certainly don't raid the cupboards, so I don't really see the point in that. I've also found out in recent months that no father is listed on my birth certificate. All my life I was led to believe my Dad took off and never paid her any money. Well how could he, if his name wasn't on there?! For the past 3 weeks, I have been staying with my boyfriend and I have been tremendously happier. His parents tell me to help myself to any food/drinks I like and they don't put their names on their food. I’m pretty sure they know how my Mom is by now. It makes me happy he has such wonderful parents, but I wish mine were the same. My Mom called me 2x last night basically asking me to come down and bring her money. It put a bad taste in my mouth, and made me feel used. His parents even gave him a considerable amount of money to help him buy a house, which is still being updated/renovated. I am hoping my boyfriend will ask me to move in, because if I ever do move out, I can't go back to my home. My Mom will have to live with my Grandparents and there isn't enough room for me there. I would appreciate anyone's support or words of wisdom. Posted on 11/05/09, 03:11 pm |
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It sounds to me like you have been through some tough times and had to put up with alot.
I would not blame your mom for your father's name not being on the birth certificate though, he could have run off before you were ever born. In the end you have no idea what she may have been through at that time. It seems to me that your mother may have gone through alot trying to bring you up as a single mother which may have impacted her health. I don't know the whole situation so I am just guessing. All I want to say is try not to blame her too much, your bitterness will only eat away at you in yhe end. On the other hand your mother is being extreemly petty putting her name on her food and is wrong to ask you for money if she is spending it on cigaretts, she should try to quit. It is so good that you have a boyfriend who is so good to you and has parents who accept you and if he is happy for you to live at his parents house it seems pretty certain that he will want you to move into his new house with him. You have to consider this you are in further education so you have a good chance of getting a good job when you have finished and not only that you get paid to do it. This not only puts you in a financially secure position but means that your boyfriend does not think you are only with him for financial security. Looks like you have a great life ahead of you, when you are not working studying you should spend your time enjoying your life with your boyfriend as much as possible. Try not to blame your mother for your past misfortune but try to avoid spending too much time with her either, it sounds like she only brings you down. 
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I guess to me it all depends on how you feel on how much you wish to help your mom out. There is nothing wrong if you are making enough money to support yourself and her and you wish to continue giving her money within reason. However make sure that you can support yourself meaning you could afford to pay rent for a place of your own as well as any expenses you have to live on your own.
It sounds like you have a great b/f however there are just no gurantees that you can move in with him or even if you do that the relationship will be long term so that is why if I were you I would make sure you can be financially independent first before you make any moves at all. As for helping your mother with her bills if you wish to continue doing so perhaps you might suggest to her that you will pay what you can afford but you wish to make the payments directly to the place she owes money rather then give her the money. She may not like that but it will give you an indication if the money you had been giving her is really going to the unpaid bills she has. You could also consider getting her to talk to someone about receiving assistance for housing, food ect... as you should not be expected to support her unless you choose to do so. I also think if you can move out and be on your own for a bit things will start to look a whole lot better for you and your future. Continuing the way you are will just keep things the same and your mom will hold you as a clutch which isn't healthy for either of you. As for your dad well perhaps your mom might come clean with you and tell you what happened back then but my guess is she probably will not. At some point you can always look into agencies that can help track your real father down if you want to purse that. In the mean time try and work on a plan for yourself to become fiancially independent because once you do I think a lot of new doors will open and great oppurtunities will come your way. Wishing you the very best and hoping much happier days come your way very very soon.
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See the thing about her having a rough time being a single parent isn't true. My Grandparents/Cousins/Friends Parents raised me until I was about 12. That's when I started living with her.
I've been having a rough few days, I found out my car repairs will be $2,500 and I will not have my car for several days. My Mom didn't seem to care and said I better find a way down there because she needs money. I just feel used. She showed no sympathy that my car expense is that much, it was basically her digging more and more for money. I really wish I could afford a new car since I am paying so much in repairs, but it's just not possible right now.
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I guess I have to ask but why don't you move out? If you were raised by other relatives and friends is it possible you could stay with one of them until you can get back on your feet? If your mother needs money why not let her figure out how to get it as the fact is right now you can't afford to help her without putting yourself in a hole. It isn't about not caring or even being sad or angry the facts are you can't afford it. Like I said get back on your feet first and then if you wish to continue to give her money go ahead but get your car fixed and try and get back on your feet first.
You could also apply for assistance as well and chances are you will qualify for some help with basic living needs you won't know until you try and do some research to see what is available out there for someone in your position. All I know is that if you continue to stay and keep doing what you are doing you probably won't get out of this rut and you will feel miserable to boot. Good Luck to you:)
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Thanks. Fortunately I am able to receive financial assistance for my schooling. That saves me about $500 a semester, which helps.
I am currently staying with my boyfriend and his family. His parents are so kind to me, and I am pretty sure he has told them how she is. I hope this doesn't sound horrible, but I am so much happier away from her, even not answering her calls makes me feel better. I guess it's just hard to accept this is how she is now. She's not the same person I once knew, and I don't want to be brought down by her issues.
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I forgot to mention, our cupboards and her purse look like a pharmacy. She has so many medications that I honestly wonder how she doesn't OD or have side effects from the various meds. She changes doctors and pharmacies quite a bit, which makes me think she has a chemical dependency which would explain her peculiar behavior.
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