Healthy Relationships Support Group

I wonder sometimes if the problems in my relationship are down to me being "emotionally unhappy". My partner did something that really hurt me a long time ago and all though I have come to terms with what he did I struggle to come to terms with the hurt it caused and i'm so desperatly un happy. My partner gets angry with me when all I want is for him to try to help me heal. Is it my responsibility to fix the damage or am I right to ask him to help me feel better?

Penny,that is an excellent question. I've tried so many times to "fix" the break someone else caused. I haven't had much luck with that. If the hurt is my fault, I have to correct it. If the fault was my partners, it's her responsibility. If forgiveness has been offered and accepted, there should be no need to return to the pain. If the problem is infidelity however, it can most difficult to put behind you but it can still be done. Put the past where it belongs. It can only block your path foward if you don't.

I am going thru this right now. I am the emotionally unhealthy one for the most part but I wonder how emotionally healthy he is either. He has shut down on me completely and I fear its over for good. I have tried to talk to him but he just gets farther away when I do. I've been trying to keep it light and breezy lately but he doesn't call anymore and doesn't make any more effort and I feel he's done. I reacted to situation badly, he was texting every day and Iming and calling and then one weekend, poof, he disappeared. I called him about 10 times and then realized what I had done and tryed to repair it. He was really bothered by my calling so many times and said that I have trust issues and anxiety issues. He is right. But his reaction was not of compassion but more of contempt. The more i try to explain myself the more he is driven. He says he's emotionally available but so far I don't see it.Is it all me? That is my story, now if I just knew what to do, I would feel better. I'm just hanging back at this point and if he calls, great, if he doesn't, then I have my answer.

I have an anxiety disorder and I can tell you what helps me from my partner when I am dealing with it. First, you must understand that anxiety can make and do someone say things they wouldn't usually- generally things that have to do with a fear. Tell your partner you understand her illness and know that sometimes it is the illness talking and not her. Try to let things go if you think they were directed by anxiety or depression instead of who your partner actually is. Second, reassurance is VERY helpful when a person is experiencing anxiety. Saying things like everything is okay, nothing is going to change, I am here with you, etc. can reassure someone who is being taken over by anxious fears.

On the flip side, I do think people need to take care of themselves. If their mental health is suffering, they should see someone about it. I see a psychiatrist and take medication for anxiety. For a period I was doing much better so I discontinued my medicine, but then my anxiety flared up again so I went back on it. I ask my partner to stand by me through my anxiety, but I also take action to address my problems as much as I can.

When I was a kid my self esteem took a nose dive because of my treatment by other children when I was a kid and my father was emotionally distant because he tried not to show his negative emotions. I developed problems of depression, lack of confidence in my abilities and tried to avoid responsability for my decisions.

My wife was treated badly by her mother including being physically beaten and to some extent spoiled by her father. She developed problems of depression, anger management and unrealistic expectations of any potential husband.

I was getting older and looking for somebody who would accept me with my distorted self image and my wife was getting older and was looking for somebody who would accept her occasional outbursts of anger and in the back of her mind she really wanted to have a child before she got too old.

I guess we both knew we had problems, at least I did but in the past there was much more stigma attached to mental problems.

In the honeymoon period of the marriage we managed to hold things together ok by each overlooking the deficiencies of the other.

After our son was born the additional responsability took its toll on the marraige with her blowups becoming more frequent and my bad decsisions becoming worse.

Our marraige continued to go down hill for the next 8 years up to the present time when I decided to take some time away from my wife and seek counceling for myself. I hope my wife also seeks counceling for her problems but that is her decision.

I do not believe we were wrong to get married because we both got out of it a relationship and a son that we may not have had otherwise.

The problem was not in the end our decision to get married but the social stigma attached to mental problems that meant we did not seek help before hand.

Fortunately things have moved on somewhat and the reality of mental health problems is more accepted but things have got to move on much further for society to reach the point where people can feel safe being completely open with each other..

What I hear from those who have responded is that there is a strong need for acceptance, reasurance and respect. But far too few people understand the power that anxiety and depression has on those of us who live with it day to day and often minute to minute . Oh wouldn't it be nice to hear how much we are loved in spite of it and that there is someone who will walk beside us through the storm even after our sun shines once again? However, I fear that most of us don't have that support, so what do we do? I say that for those of us who don't have that loving personal help should stand shoulder to shoulder and push through the barriers that society and apathy has put before us and not stop untill we have all reached our goals. Can we do this without hurting anyone?

Godave,

In my opinion society itself is the wound from which we are all suffering and until society is changed the abuse invalidation and the resulting depression and anger will be with us for generations to come.

In a word I believe that if we stand together we can make a difference but what we do must come from a place of compassion rather than anger.

I myself want to campain for a change in thinking within society where in many cases the concept of mental health is replaced by the idea of mental fitness, a society where the idea of going for counseling or therapy ia regarded in the same way as having a personal trainer.

The problem is that I just have no idea about how to get momentum going behind such a campaign, do any of you support my position and have any ideas what could be done?

Flyingfree, I wonder if even the best intentions and efforts would be strangled by the rich and powerful who don't care about the "lower end" of society. I once heard that it is cheaper for a health insurance company to amputate a diabetic limb than to pay for a program that prevents diabetes in the first place. You have certainly given me much more to think about. Let's keep the hope though that a solution can be found.

Sorry, I will have to drag out the soap box for a moment.

As long as people continue the think that a few people with comfortable incomes in the USA have a higher intrinsic value than the entire population of the continent of Africa.

As long as people, knowing that there are millions possibly a billion people at the point of starvation in the world today still do not understand that they must do whatever it takes to prevent this suffering.

As long as more than a billion young children across the world today continue to be abused and other wise invalidated resulting in serious mental health problems which society does not seem to wish to help people with.

As long as we continue to destroy our planet in the way we have been doing.

Then there is no hope for the human race.

Now is the time for humanity to accept that it is responsible for all the major problems in the world today and more people need to start stepping up to the mark and being prepared to make major changes in the way society operates.

I know this is not really the forum for this dialog and there may be those who take offence at what I have said but I just needed to say it.

I will get off the soap box now.

I'm going through this right now as well. I was the emotionally unhealthy one. While we were in counseling, I was diagnosed with functional depression. I'm being medicated now but its too late for our marriage. My wife and twin sons are moving out of state to live with her parents until she can recover from the chaos of out relationship. My depression left me incapable of being the support that my wife needed throughout our marriage. For the most part I was emotionally distant and incapable of appropriate emotional response. When she needed me I would get very scared and nervous and would have episodes of explosive rage.

My Dr. has said that I was not able to recognize my issues even though my wife was pleading with me to get help because my state of being precluded me from being insightful. My depression when coupled with the normal problems that relationships encounter was very destructive.

My wife did what she could but the stress of me wore on her until she felt like nothing inside. She had anxiety attacks every time I was around. By the time I was diagnosed, she was at the end of her rope! This left an irreparable and tragic result.

My Dr. says that the explosive rage was something that I developed as a defense mechanism. Any time I felt emotionally challenged I would respond with rage.

This took its toll on my marriage and has now cost me a closeness to everyone I ever wanted.

The bright side of all of this is that we discovered all of this while the boys were still young and so we hope to have avoided the start of an unhealthy cycle. Also, I'm getting the medical and clinical help that I need to hopefully heal me. Lastly, my wife and I are on amicable terms. We recognize that both of us are parents to the boys and their well being is our primary responsibility and concern. Even though they wont be with me physically, they will always be with me and we have agreed to daily contact.

My only recommendation is to get into marriage counseling as soon as you two can. If we had started counseling sooner, its very possible that we could have gotten me the help I needed and saved this mrriage.