What is Healthy Relationships
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I have many questions and not sure what to ask here and hope people don't judge me. I met this guy and we dated about 3 times and both felt there was a connection but I screwed it up and freaked out one weekend when he didn't call and made too many phone calls. When he saw that, it really bothered him and now I feel there is no way to work thru this without him feeling I'll do it again. I want to talk this through with him but it is too soon to go this deep with someone and to tell him about why I processed it weird. It's hard to really give the whole picture except that he talks a lot about other woman he was with in his life and how sexual they were and so on. I never went there with him, thankfully. I want a deeper connection than just casual sex. However, I basically lumped him into the category of "Player" and my brain was always suspicious especially that one weekend he didn't call. Yes, I know I sound needy and I'm working on that. But is there a way to keep it light and breezy and get him to forget that past goof on my part? There is a connection and would just like to start with that. He IM'd me and texted me alot in the beginning and then backed off when I said I need to not get sucked into that. He lives 3 hours away and is now saying he wants to concentrate on local gals now but hasn't met anyone yet. He says he's emotionally available and looking to get married again someday but is not in a hurry. He says there is something there but he needs more face time to feel comfortable. I may not be an option for him since I do live 3 hours away. I am planning to move up to where he is anyway in 10 months, is there a way to keep some sort of relationship with him alive with the possibility of dating in the future? What is you'alls advice here. I am really agonizing over this and need to find some peace about it. Thanks for your help.
Posted on 11/04/09, 05:11 pm |
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Honestly I think you're putting too much energy into this one. You botched things with this guy but is he really worth it to you? If there is all this insecurity and discomfort between you it's probably best to let it go.
Plenty more fish in the sea! 
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you see that's just it, I haven't really been given the chance to even see if he's worth it. I really don't know that much about him except what he has told me.
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Sometimes it just doesn't work out. I've had my share of first or second date screw ups. My strategy is to attempt an apology/explanation. If it is declined/ignored/etc. I move on. The last thing I want to do is upset this person I barely know.
Why are you so hooked on this one particular guy?
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because I am usually not interested in anybody, I've been saying next a lot over the last couple of years and this is the first one I've liked and he liked me back. They are so few and far between for me.
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He already said "no" to you, correct? Wanting it to be different won't change that fact. Why torture yourself with what-ifs?
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he's said no to the distance relationship thing, not me, but if I lived up there, there could be a chance it would work.
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Looks like you're good to go then!
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Could I get some other opinions, a concensus would be more helpful so far I have one opinion.
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Why not just take things slow and see where that road takes you. You are not a couple so I probably wouldn't focus on acting like you are or will be in the future. You could use part of your time getting to know him better and possibly for now just become good friends with him. At this point it doesn't sound like he is ready for a serious relationship and it really doesn't sound like you are either because if you were you probably would not have acted the way you did in the first place.
In all aspects why not just concentrate on yourself a bit more, date a few people and involve yourself in projects that interest you. You don't have to completely cut him off but your whole world should not be focused on one person and a relationship that you hope will become more serious. If it is meant to be then both of you will be in 100 percent agreement to take steps to make it happen. As it stands right now I think neither one of you are quite ready for that just yet. So like I said just focus more on a friendship for now and see how things go. Best wishes to you.
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The way I see it all your issues with this ralationship have nothing to do with him it is all about you.
It seems like you need to get yourself to a less contradictory position internally. When we hold a strong polarised position about what we feel in a relationship we also create a counter position in our own minds. In your case part of you is thinking that you maybe want to be with this guy for the rest of your life and the other part of you is thinking that it is very dangerous to get involved. You need to get to the position where you would like to spend time with this guy to get to know him better but are also ok with the fact that the relationship may come to an end. If you can reach this position in your own mind then you will be in a good position to actually decide how you want to proceed with him.
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