Healthy Relationships Support Group

I don't feel the biggest issue here is her texting him. I believe the issue is what is he saying when he's texting her? Is he saying that he's seeing someone and that her texting is inappropriate? Is he leaving the door open to her in the event you two don't work out? I truly believe if he told her to leave him alone she would.

Thankyou for your reply Jac Jac

He has said that he wasn't answering her calls or texts but as they continued he text to say that he would write. I asked him not to because he is leaving the door open. He thanked me for my advice.

He does keep asking if I feel that our relationshipe is for keeps, so maybe you are right that he is leaving a space to return if he wants to if we don't work out; he states not.

Would it be approprate to quiz him on this and request that he doesn't write again. I do feel like telling him that if this is not resolved by his no contact with her that I will not stay around.

I did look at his phone..I know...but I have to know. He had read her texts and has not deleted them. There were no saved sent texts so I don't know if he replys.
One text stated that she couldn't bear the fact that he was having sex with another women (so he has told her about me, which he said he had. This lady is also in a relationship with another (they are living together and have children). She wants out of her relationship and would like to be with my guy. He told me that there was no future for them together and that he told her that also.
What would one make of that.......I believe that he was happy to have a part time relationship with her but not a full future together.

Is he really ending this relationship?

I think you are in a sad place to be. You have found someone who you are interested in and you are at a point in your life where you are becoming curious again and you're looking. The sad thing is that you have found someone who has way too much baggage. You are free to start fresh and that sounds like what you want in a man. Unfortunately, your new friend is not free to start fresh. You are best to keep him at arms length untill he has proven beyond a shadow of a doubt that he is free. Until that happens he may never be free and just for you.

If you let this indiscretion go, then you are establishing a president and therefore, don't expect better behaviour later on. That is a fantasy, so don't fool yourself. It will only get worse. Only you can say how you are to be treated in life. So if this thing is distressing now, it can only get worse. Plus, if you feel you have to check his phone text messages now, how bad will this uncertain jealousy become when the stakes are much more serious.

From what I have read above, you know this already.

Remember this old saying because it is true:
"If you love something, set it free.
If it returns to you, then it's truly yours.
If it doesn't, then it never was."

If you feel you love him, set him free so he can figure out what he really wants to do with his life. If he really wants to go with this other woman, then so be it. If he really wants to be free of her, then that is what will happen. Six months down the road, if he is free, and you are still free, then perhaps the sparks will fly, but only time will tell.

If you suspect you are being lied to, then you probably are being lied to with more lies than you know. In my experience, liars never know when to stop and cover one lie with another. How do you know if he's lying? If his lips are moving, he's lying. If you are a basically good person then it's sad to say but you are easily deceived due to your basic nature. It sounds like you have been bit before and now you are more cautious about who you want to be involved with and so you should be.

In your case, ignore your heart and his BS arguments and listen to your basic instincts. Keep yourself safe and happy.

Hey, you almost got it right with this guy, perhaps just around the corner is the absolute perfect man for you and trusting him wont even be a serious question. It will just feel right and then you will know true happiness.

Be strong for yourself. Just say, "It was a grand experiment, but it just didn't work out." Nothing more to say. You owe him no further explanation. Your reasons are complicated and private and you should only share them with trusted friends and not someone who is trying to manipulate you with lies. Save yourself. Save your sanity and self respect. Better off alone than with the wrong person.

You came real close this time. Close, but no cigar.

This is what I believe to be true through life experience.
GG

I guess to me he is making it more complicated and I am not sure why he is. If he truly wants to cut all ties with this gal who keeps texting him then he could do it. You mentioned he doesn't like hurting people well he might want to think about what hurt means. If he continues to have correspondence with this gal it is not only unhealthy but in the long run it will probably hurt her not to mention what it is doing to you currently.

Anyway to me actions speak louder then words so if he truly wants to have a relationship with you and is very definite that he wants to end the relationship with this other gal then I say he should make very clear to this gal he no longer wishes to remain in contact. To me it is that simple. Unless of course he feels like he needs to be her therapist which I certainly hope won't be the case. In all aspects follow your instinct on this one. If you feel like he isn't being straight with you give yourself a break from him and pursue other things. I always find when in doubt it is much better to stop and take a good look around before any commitments of any kind are made. Wishing you the very best and hoping things work out for you:)

It has been my experience that a lot of men fail to truly close some of their relationships because they never know if they will need to return to it. If they are emailing back and forth there is no closure. If he was truly 100% done he would end her messaging all together. I find it interesting that he has NO saved out going messages. It means to took the time to actually delete them. he also did not delete her messages to him which would indicate to me that he wants to be able to go back to them from time to time.

As far as quizzing him "no" don't play games. You've told him how you feel about it and it's up to him to comply. Not complying says a lot. Say what you mean and mean what you say. It's my personal opinion that he continues to ask you if you're in the relationship for the long haul is so he can know whether or not he is also in it for the long haul. If you're just piddling around then he has room to explore this door that has not been closed.

I'm a scenic but I'm not a believer in putting your all into a relationship with a person who does not put their all into you.

Thank you all for your time and good advice. I will at our next meeting remind him that if she is in his life I'm not. I do beleive that if he really wanted to end this with her that it can easily be done. Thanks again.
Gut feeling.......I will probably move on from this one.

WEll that went really well. He said' it sounds as if you want to end this relationship. I asked for your understanding but it apperas to of run out. I don';t need this' so we've parted. Better now than later but I'm alittle devisated. I stayed calm though and said goodbye.
Part of me wishes it could of been different.
I can only think that in takling him I became a problem, so all his word of loving forever and anything can be worked out with good communication, love etc were empty.
I'm on a learning curve here but it's a lesson I don't wish to repeat.

You have already received loads of good advice here, especially from GardenGnome and Jac Jac.

I love they way he turned it around to be your problem by saying "I asked you to be understanding" LOL!! What a jerk!
He wanted a door mat, not understanding.
You learned his true character, so be glad he is gone.
You did the right thing, now be proud of your self!