Healthy Relationships Support Group

I'm not happy the way things are because he's so busy he doesn't take the time to just check up on me like I'd like. I try to be understanding, and feel like I'm not a needy person, but he really makes me feel like he doesn't really like me that much. When I'm with him, it's different. I feel like he cares for me a lot, and I have no problems. Am I too needy because I want to hear from him more throughout the day? I don't complain or anything, but I always want to see him every day. If it doesn't change, I'm thinking of breaking it off, but feel weird doing it because I said yes we should be together.

How many times a day do you hear from him and how many times do you want to hear from him? Wanting to see him every day to me seems a bit needy.

Have you talked to him about what you want?

I think I know how you feel...

It's not about being needy, it's about simply feeling wanted. He didn't tell you how he really felt until you were walking out the door. Nobody wants to feel "wanted" in this sense, because as you say, it feels like he's saying this just because he doesn't want anything to change. He's dangling those carrots of hope in front of you, saying later, later, later I can give you what you want. In a sense, that's cruel because nobody can say for certain what they want later, only what they want now. A year, in my opinion, is more than enough time to figure out what you want in terms of whether or not a relationship *may* have a future. I wouldn't put much stock into feelings stated when you tell a guy you're looking elsewhere.

Yes, I feel like he wasted too much of my time trying to figure out if he wanted to be with me, and in the end, he never really stated he wanted to be with me he just doesn't want me to leave him. If things don't change I need to let it go. I can see a future with him, if I felt more like he wanted to be with me.

As far as him contacting me more, I just want him to contact me like once or twice a day, but it's always like I'm the one who contacts him first. I don't want to feel like that, though, like I'm the one trying to keep it together or something. He contacts me daily but it's because I contact him first. I guess I should not contact him, and see what happens.

It kind of sounds like if this guy truly loves you and wants to have a serious relationship with you he would have expressed and showed that after you had a talk with him and told him how you felt. It wasn't until you broke up with him and told the fib that you were seeing someone else that he decided hmm maybe I better not let this one go.

To me it wouldn't feel right because I figure if I share and open up about my feelings and what I hope to have in the future with my partner and they are not in agreement with me and do not feel ready for whatever reasons then I feel it is time for me to move on and find what I am looking for rather then trying to change or hope that this person will someday want the same things. I determine this a lot on how long we have been together in the relationship and what we have established so far.

All relationships have their ups and downs but to me the important thing is would be that both people have no doubts what so ever that they want to be together and be willing to talk through all the problems and make compromises that both can feel comfortable and happy with. To get to that place you BOTH have to have established that first.

In your case that has not been done. He now is only considering wanting a serious relationship with you after the fact you had broken it off with him. In any event it will have to be up to you to decide if you want to give him a chance to see where the road takes you. The important thing is that you feel comfortable with the decisions you make.

Weigh your pros and cons carefully and make sure that truly feel comfortable in pursing the relationship with this fella. Wishing you all the best and hoping no matter what you decide will bring you happiness:)

Thanks katiebell...I want to make sure I do right decision so I will wait for a while since this change is new

I really do think a year is long enough for him to figure these things out. From my personal experience, most guys know pretty quick whether they are really into someone (want to make the effort to have a relationship). And if I got it right, while he said he's ready for a relationship, because he "likes" you, he didn't say he "loves" you, which perhaps is not a big deal. But it's not like he's making a big effort to win you back if you kwim?

I have heard of these things working out, where the gf threatens to walk out, and the guy finally wakes up (realizing what they might lose) and it works out ok. But it's never happened to me. The relationships I had that were longer term, they guy was really into me for the first few months, jumping through hoops to make me his gf. The guys who flaked out in the beginning, well it only got worse.

As for frequency of communication, I get what you mean, I feel the same way. But realistically, most guys aren't like that. A few are, yes, but most I think just want to communicate when there is a need, or when they see you.

I wouldn't fault you, if you wanted to give it one more try, maybe it'll work, I've just never had that happen to me. I've dealt with too many flaky guys, and have very little to no patience for it anymore. But I know you've invested a lot of time and effort already, which makes it harder to walk away... Wish you the best of luck!

I would not give this guy much more time, if any. I believe you made some bold statements from your "gut instinct" that indicate you really do not feel he is worth more time. I agree that most guys know pretty quick if they feel it is worth the effort to build a relationship or not. They are wired to assess situations for efficiency and this is one of their departments. The problem is, some of them (the more insecure ones) don't want their girlfriend to know which way they are leaning right away and will go to any lengths to try to keep her from knowing. This is where I agree with MTZ3 in that I've been with too many flaky guys to put up with this crap. If we are really honest, your guy is playing head games with you. I mean, after a year all he can do is tell you he doesn't want you to leave? That is pretty lame/controlling. Maybe the main reason he acts like he wants to be with you when you are together is because he believes his physical needs will be met. I think he is pretty lame. I would move on.

Off the cuff, given what you have written, I think this guy doesn't really WANT you; he just doesn't want ANYONE ELSE to have you. This was the case with my now-X husband. It took me a lonnnggg time to realize this sad fact. In retrospect, I should have never married him -- much less spent 30 years of my life with him.

Please don't make the same mistake I did. LISTEN TO YOUR GUT!

Thanks for everyone's replies. He's being very sweet with me since we hooked up together, and we have spent every day together. I'm just going to see how things turn out, and see how he is with me. I think he's trying to make more of an effort to be there for me, and he's showing his feelings for me more. I think he had issues falling for anyone because of his bad relationships, and I can relate to that. I felt strongly that if he didn't change how he was with me then I would end it, but he has changed how he is towards me. I feel strange talking to anybody about it, and telling anybody we're together, because it was always like we had to hide our relationship from people. Now that we're trying to be normal, it's actually making me uncomfortable. I like how he is being with me, though.