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My fiance and I have up more downs than ups lately. Mostly because we have both been sick (I have had anxiety) and his bills have been piling up. Every week I have been going without and helping him pay his debts even though I told him to get them under control months ago and he didnt. For months Ive been paying and I havent bought a thing for my self except a pair of shoes on ebay that i couldnt resist. The reason I was helping him was to take some stress off him, and because we wanted to save for our wedding and a house. Some weeks weeks have been hard and we have just scraped by.
A couple of months ago things came to a head and turns out he was using again for a month (a few times a week). It hurt me because he saw how we were struggling to make ends meet. He told him he was paying bills but he was using. We talked about it and he said he would get help. I pleaded with him - no more bills, no more fines no more debts. So now a couple of months later it turns out that for the past month he has been gambling. He hasnt even saved a cent for our wedding. Last week his anxiety levels skyrocketed so he took the week off and I told him to rest and not worry about the housework or anything. Turns out when I was at work he was going to all these pubs and placing bets. He took out a loan. He has even hocked a few things. What hurts me is the lies. We are talking about it now and Im trying to make sense of it all. But thats twice he has been lying an dhurt me in a matter of months. I am not 100% myself but I have been making an effort to do everything I can for him. I told him I need some space and we are talking about things. I ask him questions because I am trying to get my head around it and trying to understand. I dont doubt his love, but I cant understand how he could do this again. Especially after last time. I feel so down and I dont know how to bounce back. Does anyone have any ideas? I know it wont happen overnight and it will take time, I have even said that to him but how do i start? Thanks in advance to anyone who might have some advice for me because I really need it!! xxhugsxx Posted on 11/04/09, 07:11 pm |
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It is up to you but perhaps you should consider taking a break from him. I know your intentions are meant to be good but if you continue to pay for everything and he continues to tell you he will get help you are merely enabling him and his addictions and history will just keep repeating itself.
He will have to at some point step up to the plate and face his problems and start to make changes and that he needs to do on his own. My guess is he quite aware of all the programs out there to help him get back on his feet so now the question is will he take the steps and get some help. I know it is painful but for the time being it might be a good idea to put a halt on everything as you do not want your marriage to start out unhealthy. You are already struggling to help him pay off some of the debts he has if you marry him those debts and probably more that you are unaware of will become your responsbility as well and this time you will have no choice but to pay them and if you can't your credit record might not look so good in the future. I don't want to sound harsh but it isn't a wise move to marry someone who has these sorts of problems and isn't even making a serious effort to change. You can be assured if you get married and he has not changed his ways if things get worse you will be left holding the bag alone. Anyway I do hope he changes his ways but in the mean time like I mentioned earlier it might be wise for you to back away from all of this and see how he does on his own. If he wants to make things work actions he takes to improve his life and overcome his problems will show. Take the time to find out if he will by watching from afar. Hoping things get better and wishing you the very best. 
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Thanks for you honest words Katie. I totally agree with you this is not a way to start a marriage hence my worries and concerns over it. I also know that by paying the majority of his debts has enabled him to do what he has been doing.
He got paid yesterday and took his bills off me and paid them. He also set up some direct debits so the money will come out automatically every week. He also went to his doctor who prescribed him with anti-depressants. In the mean time I have stepped back. I realise with the meds that things may get worse before they get better and I am ok with that as long as he keeps making the right choices. And after all this if he starts to do the wrong thing again then I will have to seriously consider my future with him. Yes I said I would always be there for him but I cant do that if he doesnt want the same things as me or wont help himself. Thanks again Katie.
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