Healthy Relationships Support Group

Anger is a natural reaction, so yes, it is healthy. Have you even been in a relationship with someone who never gets angry? Either they are shoving their feelings which is unhealthy, or they simply don't care.

I think anger shows that you care about a person, that you care enough to fight, and heck, fights are important in a relationship because it is through them that effective communication is built, and problem solving can happen together.

I think it's what a person chooses to DO with their anger that makes it healthy or unhealthy.

IMO, differences and disagreements happen in relationships, are very normal and healthy to a certain degree but not anger. I suppose it's what each individual's definition of anger is though.

Anger to me is hostility, it's a very strong emotion which can easily build resentments and I don't feel those things belong in a relationship. Anger to me can be a self-destructive emotion.

When one or both partners are angry (my definition of angry), they go on the defensive, they're too blind to see each other's POV and it's very difficult to resolve things that way. Disagreeing is done on a more rational level, listening to each other's POV, trying to get an understanding of where the other is coming from and can more easily resolve issues, compromise or at least agree to disagree.

Partner and I don't agree on everything, there are things he says or does that I don't like or agree with, things I say or do that he doesn't like or agree with, we have disagreements, we have arguments but I can't say we get angry with each other.

I know exactly where you're coming from and I think I understand what you're trying to say. If the anger is the kind like resentment, ect. then it makes it extremely difficult to build any kind of foundation for a relationship let alone love, which is the kind that I'm dealing with, because it pushes people away. But if it's like the ones where you argue about tiny tedious things, than I don't see too much harm as long as it's controlabe.

I agree with Leather on this. I think anger is a negative emotion and tends to result in resentments which eat away at a relationship.

If "adding spice" to a relationship is necessary for the fight for survival and success in a relationship, I think life hands us enough opportunities for growth and success without intentionally bringing anger/strife into the relationship.

Self confessed bringer of anger to relationships right here...

Yes, I can be a drama queen and bring conflict to relationships due to my temper and snap decisions. But in my defense, I don't sit around and say "oh, I need to fight over something because XYZ relationship is getting boring". I was raised in a family FULL of conflict and it overflows into other parts of my life. Not an excuse, just is, but it's getting better...

And even in the best of circumstances, I'll never be anger free. Geez, shoot me now if I ever lose my feistiness. Perish the thought.

I don't see anger as an emotion onto itself. I see it as a secondary reaction TO an existing emotion. For example, hurt or embarrassment.

During a divorce, I see anger as almost needed as a driving force to transition to a new life and to make sure that one gets what they want from the divorce process itself.

In a relationship... I guess I'm similar to leather in what I see. Anger is going to happen. Every relationship has some conflict and everybody has a bad day. When a person is fully centered, I don't see them getting angry all that often. We, as a society have a problem with anger, and most people get angry far too often (imnsho)

some of the sources of inappropriate anger I see are:

1) unrealistic expectations. This is caused by the "not fair!" principle where we have made up some sort of standard our life is supposed to match,a nd when it doesn't (and it won't, cause it's not realistic!) then we get angry at the world. not worth it.

2) poor empathy. When relationships start to break down, we "close off". We get stuck in #1, b/c things are not fair, and we no longer try to see the other persons' POV.

3) poor anger management skills. I'm shocked at how many people just are not aware of their own anger! They don't see their own triggers, they don't try to see themselves and how they are acting... they just don't "own" their own anger.

4) not being in touch with the *real* problem is. The anger, is most circumstances, is masking something else. If a person can uncover that, and just LOOK at it, that anger melts away. Like for example, most of my anger from my divorce actually came from embarrassment. Once I uncovered that and realized just how silly it was to be angry at another person for being embarrassed that I allowed so much BS into my life... I lost that anger. (I am still embarrassed though)

Just my thoughts. Nice thread!

I got "angry" in Home Depot a couple of weeks ago, my anger was a reaction. He was putting stuff into the cart and I asked "what are you going to do with 8 big jugs of laundry detergent?" his answer made me angry "Some is for me, some is for Marlene" my anger was pretty much instantaneous, I wasn't fly off the handle angry, no shouting yelling or freaking out, but yes I was angry. If I had kept my anger to myself it wouldn't have gone away, it would have instead turned into resentment which would have been a bigger problem. Sometimes I think he needs to know that I am angry about things even if he doesn't think I should be. I don't want to fight and argue about things, but I also don't think it's a good idea to ignore or deny our feelings- whatever they may be.

I think that you definitely should be able to express the emotions you have to your significant other. However, anger is a secondary emotion, you feel it as a result of someone making you feel sad or hurt. I think that it is important to be able to trust your partner enough to let them see that first emotion, the fact that something they did caused you to feel vulnerable and hurt. You need to be able to let your walls down, angry is a very defensive emotion.

However, do think that anger can be healthy in that if someone repeatedly hurts you, it can drive you to stand up for your own needs or end things if they need to be ended. One thing that I did learn from a failed relationship was that although it is nice to be open about your feelings, some people will not respect you enough to listen or care, and anger can show you are serious. So it can be healthy in a few situations, but I think it should not happen often, also how you express the anger is important, you have to treat your partner with respect at all times whether you are angry or not.

Something that I'm learning is that I can still care about things without huge emotional responses. It allows me to think things through and assess without having clouded judgement or being a reactionary. I can't think of many time where actual anger has served me unless I was in too deep and it helped me get out. Proactively though, I think detachment and thinking through things is a better way, because then you grow by spending more time reflecting and less time bickering. Also, the times that I have felt my anger to be most justified, either the other person was able to call me irrational, laugh at me by reacting so rashly, they totally closed down to anything I had to say, etc. I ended up being the fool in the end. Had I hadmy wits about me, I probably would have gotten my point across much more easily.

Thanks, peeps. Yes, anger in the sense of hostility is not good in a RELATIONSHIP, good, however, I think, for survival in doing what is necessary to make ends meet financially. The trick is separating the two, and not letting work and financial stress spill over into a relationship. I agree that a relationship needs to be a bit more tender and sensitive.