What is HIV
HIV (also known as human immunodeficiency virus, and formerly known as HTLV-III and lymphadenopathy-associated virus) is a retrovirus that primarily infects vital components of the...
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When to disclose
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I was diagnosed a month and a half ago and have questions about when to disclose my HIV status and when not to. I'm a GWM, 33, single and getting ready to start dating/having sex again. Is there any advice that those who have been positive for awhile can give to someone like myself who is just now ready to venture out into the world again?
Since testing positive, I've talked to two guys that I've had sex with in the last year who are HIV+, but didn't tell me (I didn't ask at the time). I did not have anal sex with either of them and we were safe (no obvious exchange of fluids). Because of that, neither one of them felt they had an obligation to disclose. So... I'm wondering what are the ethical/moral obligations we have to disclose our status? Is there a moral/ethical obligation to disclose when anal/vaginal sex is not on the menu? I'm just looking for some advice as I venture out into the world again. Any advice or personal experience in this matter would be much apprecaited. Posted on 04/22/09, 01:04 am |
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I have found it helpful to get the status question answered right off. That is a personal preference, though. I find it saves misunderstandings and possible bad feelings in the future. It may surprise you to know that my status has seldom stopped interested parties from dating with... or it may not surprise you. That would be great.
Whichever you decide, just be safe and feel good about yourself. 
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Hello...I think it's best to tell the person about your status up front. If for some reason, the person rejects you...at least it was early in the relationship instead of waiting and then feelings get involved and then telling the person. I think the best thing is to try being friends first and then if you see things starting to get serious tell the person before having sex with them -Be Blessed and bye for now - BlackOpal
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Right or wrong I personally wouldn't bother telling someone on a first or second date about being HIV unless asked. Too many cards on the table up front. It's a confronting issue to bring up just when the other person hasn't the chance to admire your smile or bog down the getting to know you period.
A couple of dates gives also the chance to tread the waters and sound the person out. So many times I didn't like somebody or visa-versa that I was glad I didn't put myself through the heartache. HIV isn't a big part of who I am or my life and I won't let social stigma dictate that either. It may sound corny but I would kind of wait for three dates before I would tell a prospective partner.
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Interesting to read the advice and comments... I appreciate it. I'm finding that there's a HUGE gray area when it comes to this subject... especially when it comes to casual sex. I'm just now testing the waters and finding them to be very murky.
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That was a huge question for me as well when I found out I was positive. Personally, I felt that there was too much misunderstanding regarding HIV to not disclose early on. There are some who are so frightened of the disease that they would avoid even deep kissing if they had the choice. I felt obligated to give my dates that choice.
That's not to say that I told every man that I met immediately, of course. I put off that first deep kiss until I had an idea that I might want a relationship and told at that point. Both of the men that I had 'The Talk' with were accepting and appreciative that I told early on.
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When it comes to dating (looking for a ltr)I probably wouldn't disclose until after a few dates when the decision to have sex would likely arise. Or in my case, the first 20 minutes after I meet him (that's a joke people)
When it comes to casual sex, see 20 minutes above. Seriously, it is a non-issue for most informed Gay men. Every once and a while you will likely stumble across someone who freaks. So do your best to educate that person and move on. Best of luck.
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My question and concerns are, how did u get it in the first place? Ur profile states that u spoke with 2 men who had it, but there was no exchange of fliud. Seriously, this gives me a little concern, especially as I am dating a positive man and I knew from the very first day of his status. We have never had any unprocteted sex ever, but we do have deep kissing a lot of the times not to mention penetration 5-6x a week. So, my question is, how high as my chances of being infected?
Hope to be more enlightened here. Thanks Chato
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CB most people who are HIV- would definately like to know that the person they are getting intimate has HIV or not.
Chato. to answer your question there is no risk, I once read that deep throat kissing you'd need to swallow the equivilant of 2 pints of salava to stand a minute chance of infection. The only risk would be if you have for example canker sores and he to, or cold sores/cuts etc...I avoid kissing my hiv-partner if we have anything like this. hope When you say penetration i assume you mean intercourse, which aslong as there is a condom between you its fine, what reduces the risk if the man is circumcised, the viral load is low, the condom is used correctly, there are no bleeding/sores or cuts.
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if there is a potential for some play right off the bat cause u won't be able to hang the she didn't tell me card and trip me up legally but if we are friends eventually
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You also want to check out what is required by law. My state has mandated that it is a crime not to disclose before any sort of sexual contact. That definition being very vague, I feel as if I may have broken the law by not immediately disclosing my status.
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