HIV Support Group

I've grown up in a bible strict household, where sex is taboo till youre ready for marriage, and the only answer for sex before marriage is NO. While I still uphold to those morals... or atleast try to... Things... well... Things happen as Im sure every one knows. No one taught me about safe sex, well of course it was there, but no one ever drilled it into my head growing up, and I was homeschooled to top it off... I wish they had. I wish my mother had sat me down and said, "Listen, I know you know not to have sex before marriage, and you should strive your to the best of your ability to uphold that, but there are times where you might find yourself in a situation full of temptation, people make mistakes, and you might fall, but if that happens, you must must MUST be safe, and protect yourself." I wish I had been smarter growing up. When I lost my virginity I was barely 18, I trusted the man I gave it too and I dont regret that at all. What I do regret, is letting me self esteem and depression allowed me to give myself to anyone who told me I was pretty. I'm only 21 and I've had 11 differant partners.... 11... Gawd, to me thats like a bazillion! And it doesnt help that I didnt practice safe sex with all of them. Things just kind of happened. I never wanted it to be like this. Im absolutely ashamed, so much so it consumes my every waking moment.

First there was K, the love of my life young and in love and the only reason we went our seperate ways was because he joined the military, and thats not the kind of life I could handle... then T - he raped me and then it only got worse from there. After T there was M and J neither I loved or even remotely liked so why the **** did I give myself to them?! :'( After M and J there was B, he cheated on me two weeks into our relationship with some drugged out girl who lived in the apartment across from him... So I slept with his down stairs friend D, who had just got out of prison, smart right. I honestly didnt mean for it to happen, I feel so nieve. Anyways I went back to B afterwards, I forgave him, tried to move on, and he cheated on me again on our one year anniversary. I found out I was pregnant that day, and unfortunatly miscarried after 10weeks. It was a horribly emotionally abusive relationship. After that I feel like I spiralled... Next was I, he was the only one who was actually responsible enough to mention a condom and use it, I only meant to go to his house for drinks with friends. *sighs* After I there was another J. Then another M, who i didnt want to have sex with. I told him no so many times, but he pushed and pushed and pushed, till i just let it happen... Ijust LET it happen, and even before it happened, I told him, if you do this I PROMISE YOU I will hate myself and regret this very moment, and thats exactly what happened and I told him afterwards too. It was in a car of all things. After M, there was S... Ahh, S... I felt like I found a good one, he was a perfect match with my friend and her husband, they adored him and he acted like I was his world, it was a nice change of pace, someone kind and considerate and smart with my humor, so he was a little broken inside, I could help fix that or so I thought. Needless to say he left me after the 2nd week and ended up ruing my best friends marriage and her and him ran off together, and to top it all off I feel responsible for introducing them, he needed a place to stay and they offered up their couch for awhile and bam....

Now.... After all that... Im with N. He's the best damn thing thats ever happend to me, we've been together 4months.... and im so scared... so very very veeerrry scared of my results. You see, even through alllllllll that, ive never been tested, never even THOUGHT that would happen to me, never crossed my mind, no one brought it up and since it was never drilled into me that its something THIS important, the topic laid dormant..... The only reason I'm concerned about it now, is because N has been complaining about not feeling well, recent night sweats, he had a small rash on the side of his stomach that looked like ezima, and a nurse friend told him thats what it looked like, so he started putting cortizone on it, it healed like small scars :/ and the only reason me wanting to get tested is because I'm afraid with my past, that I may have given him something without me even knowing it. I feel irrisponsible, and terrified that if the results come back + that he'll leave me. But I would deserve it, so if he does I completely understand, im just so worried. I dont even know how to tell him i got tested and why. I know I'm going to have to tell him. I just... *sigh* i dont even know. Im sick to my stomach, worried, anxious, hysterical at times, frustrated, upset stomach because of the nerves. I feel like a horrible person and I doubt that feeling will ever go away, atleast until I know.... But with my past and actually sitting down and thinking about it, I'm probably almost positive that its going to be +
Posted on 06/11/12, 06:40 pm