What is Grandparents Raising Children
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what is in these kids' best interest concerning whether or not to keep them connected to their deadbeat parents? By deadbeat I mean parents who don't have jobs, contribute nothing to the kids' living expenses other than small token "brownie" gifts, don't get their lives straightened out (in my case because of their addiction issues), but still want to visit with their kids? I mean, I know it's going to be a case by case situation, but if a messed up parent can manage to come over at least seemingly clean & sober for a weekly supervised visit & the child is ecstatic to spend the time with them, and the parent seems genuinely happy to spend time with the child, it does seem like the best thing for the child. The child has the knowledge that even if the parent is messed up, he/she loves them enough to come and spend a little time with them. Some people would argue that if a parent is going to be nothing more than a playdate, they don't deserve to spend time with their child. But......isn't it about what's best for the child and not so much about rewarding the messed up parent?? I do know from experience raising a stepchild that it is very, VERY, VERY important for a child to feel like his/her parent loves them and wants to spend time with them. My GS is so happy when my son comes to see him & he is devastated when he leaves. The baby cries and cries and cries, and my son usually does, too, but doesn't let the baby see him. He "sneaks" out, but that doesn't really work either because as soon as the baby realizes he's gone - he gets upset. I made an appt. with my counselor and plan on discussing these things with her, but I'd like to know some other people's experiences with this. I think I'm going to be in this for the long haul and I think having a "visiting" daddy or mommy may be the best thing my grandson gets out of his parents; at least that's what I see for the foreseeable future. Perhaps they will grow up at some point and change, but for now, it's all I hope for.
Posted on 10/30/09, 04:10 pm |
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Experts say that if at all possible, bio parent s/remain involved in child's life. The problems that most of us have is that bio parents put kids in middle of conflict. It sounds like you are handling everything extremely well. If it's working, don't knock it. The only suggestion I w/have is to have your son work w/child when he leaves, reassuring him he will come back. Kids need to learn that and if your son is being consistent in his visits, he can teach him. By all means talk w/your counselor as each situation is different but I say trust your instncts. 
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I struggle with this too. My gd (age 3--almost 4) regresses to younger behaviors with every phone call or contact w/ bio's. We have more temper tantrums, more dissolving into tears for things that normally don't bother her, potty accidents, etc. I'm conflicted--I want to protect her from all the confusion she feels from the contact, but also know she needs to get the contact.
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I'm not sure what the answer is. I have 2 gc. One is 9 and one is 5. The 9 year old really wants his parents, but the 5 yo really does not know what Mommy & Daddy are. She has been with me almost 1/2 her life and the first half was extremely bad for her. I think, for me anyways, the hardest part of raising these kids is dealing with their parents. Our lives are on hold waiting for them to get it together. I believe it is hard on my 9 yo also. They lead him to believe he's coming home, but it doesn't happen. Is it in his best interest to have so many dissappointments. Is it in their best interest to always have the drama. It does not matter what I do or don't do, at some point their addiction causes drama in our home. I grew up without my Dad. I did not see him from 6 yo until I was in my 40's. I did wonder alot about why he did not want me, but I truly don't believe that it caused me alot of mental problems. I am leaning to the opinion of it is not always the best for them to be around their parents. At least in my case.
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I think we have to evaluate it strictly based upon what's best for the kids.
In our case, much as I loathe and detest my husband's daughter, she was an excellent mother for the first few years of the kid's lives. Her biggest problem was that she would argue with her boyfriends in front of them and disappear to go party. At least the two boyfriends she had were steady, and both loved the kids as much as they could. As a result, our grandchildren didn't have to experience what I would consider active "abuse." Our kids are happy to hear from their "mom" and their behavior doesn't change much. On the contrary, they seem detached from her, and talk to her as if she was a distant great-aunt or something. Lots of one-word answers and "I don't want to talk right now" comments. However, if the kids reacted negatively to every phone call or visit and acted out or regressed afterwards, I would seriously reconsider whether that was good for them or not.
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I raised my step son from age 3. His mom disappeared for 5 years when he was 6 and reappeared when I had my youngest. As I am starting protective placement with my six year old and 7mo old GC, he has been a big help. As a child you need a sense that you have a "mom" and "dad". The support I gave him, gave him a foundation to figure things out and accept the reality when he got older.His home life was consistent and loving in the midst of irregular visits and wondering why his "mom" didn;t love him.
Now that he is 36, he has made attempts to have a relationship with his mom and he has found he is in the control of his best interest as an adult in having a mom whose addictions are her first love.
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Rocknorth, you bring up a good point. Right from the beginning we wanted to dispel any notions that "Mom" didn't love them, and that none of this was their fault.
I remember asking them: "If Mommy has a stomach ache, is that your fault?" or "If Mommy gets a speeding ticket, is that your fault?" And they would say "No." Then I would remind them that her addiction is like a stomach ache or speeding ticket -- it's something to do entirely with her, not her children. They seemed to understand that, and I hope they never feel blame for Her actions...
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I have 2 step children 12 and 13 whose bioMom just came back into their lives after a 10 year absence and my grandson William whose Mom shows up regularly and bioDad has by choice not seen him in 6 months.
With all the children I believe that knowing and having contact with their bio's is important and encourage it. Yes, we have issues from time to time. The older children did regress some when bioMom's contact first began, but as they felt more secure they returned to their old selves. William fusses when Mom leaves but then he fusses when PaPaw or the kids leave for work or school. And even though we/I am filing for adoption of all the children, we intend to have them know their bioFamilies and have contact. I believe it is important to know where they came from and be in touch with their roots...so to speak.
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The family counselor we met with advised controlled supervised visitation. The minute a visit eroded into a fight with me or to where my daughter was ignoring her daughter to talk on the phone or play on the computer, she had to leave.
My daughter moves a lot so her contact has been very sporadic. Right now, she lives literally around the corner so her visits are very frequent. I continue to make sure she acts appropriately around her daughter. She swears a lot in front of her, which I hate just to give one very minor example. They do love each other and that is a bond I am not going to break. The same holds for my granddaughter's bio dad. His visits have been sporadic from birth but there is definitely a bond between him and his daughter. The main issue is for the visits to stay safe, calm and with as little drama as possible. I know that some of the worst damage my granddaughter has experienced was due to the vicious fighting between my daughter (her mother) and me. I said, no more. If we can't get along, then my daughter simply cannot be around us. Period. I figure as she grows up, my granddaughter will come to understand exactly why we (the grands) adopted her even though her mommy loves her.
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