Grandparents Raising Children Support Group

Pinky used to do that all the time. I started listening in and stopping her when she would make a promise, but sometimes it was too late - she'd get the promise out before I could stop it. So I finally told the kids not to believe her words. I said "unless she's standing in this kitchen she isn't coming here."

I didn't (and don't) care if that's undermining her -- she has no authority anyway. I wanted them to learn that there are just some people who make promises and don't follow through. If anything, they'll meet more people like her later in life and they need to learn to judge people by what they DO, not what they say.

That's the common theme we're living in my home, too...Yesterday when I picked GD up from day care, the director told me that I need to stop telling her when her Mom is coming because GD is so disappointed when she doesn't show up. I tried to explain that my daughter is the one who makes those promises....I don't ever do that...and was informed that it's my responsibility to stop my D from saying those things....to tell her that if she can't be a woman of her word, to let every visit just be a surprise. She also told me that when GD starts school this fall, her stories about her Mom will cause me a lot of problems with the school. I have no idea what she meant by that, so I'm going to schedule a meeting with her to discuss this. My sister is taking my GD this week, so I can have that meeting without my GD being aware of it. I hope to have a private discussion with my D this week, too...but I suspect she will follow her usual pattern and avoid me. My GD is turning 5 next month. I totally understand your frustration and I will try to follow SaraBT's example and start listening in to stop her from making any promises.

unless you can see a light at the end of the tunnel, I suggest you start playing down"mom". Children react easily to positive reinforcement. You will have to be careful though because your gs will need to grieve the loss of the mother he knew, good or bad. You may have to deal with her legally, but you can control the visits. Start making visits in a fun place for child, like park, zoo, amusement park, where he will be distracted by the environment. I doubt your dd will do well in this type of situation but you are complying with rules while protecting the child from future disappointments. Worse case scenario, she again does not show up and you will be the hero for taking him to a fun place! When you have that dreaded conversation with him this time, just say Mom can't make it, but you and I are going to the zoo (or toystore, etc). The next time your dd calls, your gs will be telling her how much you had when she didn't show. As others have said, there is no reason that you have to put up with that. Plan an outing and have fun!

thanks ladies...

Daisy... I have always thought to "play down" bios would some how cause the grands to feel unwanted, unimportant, unloved... I have always played it like mommy and daddy love you so much they... blah-blah-blah... I really don't want my GS to be angry with bios I fear this will cause problems with him later on. Now I am questioning that decision. HELP!!

I totally agree with Daisy. Putting the bios on a pedestal and making them sound like heros when they aren't isn't doing our kids any favors. Kids have a problem doing that on their own w/o our help. It's okay to occasionally say their mom or dad love them, but I definitely would not overdo it. I don't do that with my GS and he is doing well. He will be 5 next month, too. From time to time, he will say, "It's been a LONG time since mine Daddy (or Mommy) came to see me." and I will say, "Yes, honey, I"m sorry, it has. Hopefully we will see him/her again sometime soon, but I"m not sure when that might be." His other grandma tells him that his mommy is "trying to get better". He seems to be okay with that answer for now. I think these kids will grow up feeling like we lied to them if we make something of their parents that they're not. They will feel like, "Hey, why was I told that my mom/dad loved me SO much, but they never came around, never called, didn't send cards or presents, etc. Why did they lie to me?" I think honesty is the better way to go, but I think it's important to make it age appropriate. The older kids get, the more they realize on their own, and through experience, I've found that it's really best to let them form their own opinions based on the facts.

I think that anger is not only an appropriate reaction from our grandchildren but a healthy one (if it's directed properly). Our middle granddaughter can only admit to "sadness" that her mother isn't raising her and has chosen drugs over her. Our eldest granddaughter is angry, admits it, and says she is trying to get up the nerve to have a talk with Pinky about it all -- which I think would be wonderful.

I've always believed that anger is wrong only if it's misplaced, unjustified or overdone. If anyone has the right to be flaming ticked off, it's our poor little grandkids!

You make some very good points... I never really thought of things like that GMa and Sara... now help me with this because I have my GS not because of drugs but because the bios were too young (now I'm rethinking that) and ask us to take him. My DD the bio mom has another child she raises... she says she will take GS if I would let her but GS want go because of the BF, and I want let him because she doesn't have a bond with him, NEVER bonded with him, they have moved four times this year alone, they fight ALL the time, she has had three jobs this year as has he and he isn't working now... I have to buy GD thinks from time to time etc. etc. etc. He loves seeing her and having her stay with us but REFUSES to go stay with her. I'm not sure how to address that issue. If it were due to drugs I could explain she was sick (what ever is age appropriate) but what about this??

momma, you don't need to make your dd look bad. It seems she does a good job of that herself. I am saying that you make a positive situation and make sure it is a fun time for gs. If mom is a no show, the focus will be on having a good time over her lack of appearance. I think GMa said it well.

@daisey... I understand

Thanks!!

do not underestimate the bond between your gs and you. The bond between my gs and me is very strong and has been the only stability he has had. He knows I will love him no matter what. In his teen years when he made some not so good choices, I told him he could not make me stop loving him by doing bad things. I established that I was not very happy with his behavior but I would still love him. Your bond with your gs will grow as the years pass and he needs that security to grow. You will never regret your choices because you have done this for him.